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Ah! Break out the sixty one Kodak brush,
Pull the strokes across the Montana dew; And
pull the rain from the mountain vista; Torn and fresh
against her face

Place the happy family; foreground, with
blond hair and drawn eyes; deep with snowy
dreams and a colourful face

Ah! one nine six one cowgirl straddle your horse
Conjured in the heart of a lonely beast; America
Pull your reins, beat the heart and tear across
the colourful face of this lonely, hopeless land



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The following comments are for "1961 Cowgirl"
by 0207070

Yeehaw
I really love this poem.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

1961
S1, L1: "sixty-one"

S1, L3: replace semicolon with comma, following "vista"

S1, L3: uncap "Torn"

S2, L1: clip semicolon after "family"

S3, L1: "one-nine-six-one"

S3, L1: place comma after "cowgirl"

You employed a lot of pucntuation, but no periods. Was that by intent?

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

Wimin Rode Side Saddle
My best guestics...addressing 2 issues above, Bobby I do believe the poet here is proned, exactly as I am myself, to give the reader elbow room to decide the location and reasoning for punctuation. Not using so much open. up a whole new cauldron of mischief for poet con-a-sewars who deman exact and formal punctuation. In short, we want the reader to decide for themselfs, to use their own brain, not the poets.

As for the happy family tidbit, it could only reflect that it is a photograph, not reality, further re-inforced by the lady riding stradle, and not sidesaddle. No lady would have rode stradle until after woman's sufferage. They all rode side-saddle, and Dale Evans indeed attempted to write history.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

James @ 1961
James,
My suggestions were made in case you are here to improve your craft. Editing is our friend.

When a poet employs semicolons, for example, they should at least be used correctly..and sparingly.

Personally, I think this poem could be strengthened if it was reformed, without any punctuation.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

Girls at Closing Time
Your point on punctuatiion is well put, Bobby, and a credit to any poem constructor. If, constructing poems is what you want to do, lots of it around here.
,
But digging deeper into the heart of poetry, the very soul of poetry that makes the reader feel as if this is for me, and I feel part of it, requires that we leave the world of poem construction and enter the world of talent and heartbeat, where the reader can feel the essweense of the poet regardless of
punctuation formalities. Let your hair down and try kissing the ugliest girl at the dance.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

James @1961
James,
Haphazard employment of punctuation, as well as poor grammar, takes away from the experience of the reader. It doesn't add anything to the experience. It's a distraction.

Ron,
Did you not say here at comments, that you didn't study poetry?

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

Feed back
I very much appreciate all feedback and discussion. I am merely a novice and trying my hardest to improve on the punctuation side of poetry. Thankyou for your comments. I intend to as we all should spend the rest of my life on the learning curve to inspired poetry! J

( Posted by: 0207070 [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

James @ 1961
James,
Do you have a draft/version of this piece which doesn't have any punctuation?

That is a good exercise. By forming/deconstructing into lines which require no punctuation, you may find your poem takes on new life/strength. At the very least, you'll view it with fresh perspective.

If you do use punctuation, be consistent. It's the haphazard employment which becomes a distraction. It's like a driver erratically changing lanes on a highway.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

nope
No, Bobby, I did not say that, I said I did not study poetry in France.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: February 20, 2011 )

feedback
in the last line s3l4 drop the comma and the word hopeless and the whole thing makes more sense.

( Posted by: bhagwandave [Member] On: February 23, 2011 )





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