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Oh little duck floating by me
I wonder daily what you see
The grandma and child delivering your bread
Rudely dispersed, terrified, by the local smack head
Who locating needle, locating vein
Shoots up to numb his pain

Oh little duck how I imagine the sights you see
If only you could communicate to me
From the couple on the boat doing their loving
To the local bully abusing and shoving
His next victim who thuds into your house
Rescued, alone he slinks away like a mouse.

Oh little duck so happy and free
How I wish that was me
You play in the water so merrily
Practising your airplane landing voluntarily
The only thing I wonder as I make my way
To work is, are you the same bird I see each day?



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Comments

The following comments are for "Canal Side"
by MattS

made me smile ending
That, in itself is a good thing. A few awkward moments in this poem but .. it's worth a read and a comment too.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: February 18, 2011 )

Duck walking
A pretty good poem, but with some bumpy parts with the overall flow, or meter.

If you read it aloud a few times you will see where the rhythm gets stretched or shrunken in a few areas.

Example:
"Oh little duck how I imagine the sights you see
If only you could communicate to me"

First line is too long, to many syllables to cram together. Maybe shorten to:

"Oh, how I imagine the sights you see,
If only you could communicate to me"

It is a more balanced flow and meter. There are other areas like that, you can easily put balance to them.

Otherwise, enjoyed it, thinking it would be a great child's poem, we need more of those I think, get kids reading poetry earlier.

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: February 19, 2011 )

Thank You
Thanks for the feedback people. Truth be told I do need to take longer to re read the stuff that I write. The problem seems to be that once I say it unless its written down its gone.

This was quite an interesting challenge to do. I have been told that my poetry is a bit negative so it felt good to just do something a little bit stupid and fun.

Thanks for the comments.

( Posted by: MattS [Member] On: February 19, 2011 )





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