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NOTE: As always, I use adult language from time to time. I'd also like to say that I still don't have internet access, but went to a public place that had wifi because not knowing what was going on with everyone was driving me crazy. Thanks for reading everyone.
Well, it’s Saturday night and for some people that means partying and a good time, but here I am, alone in the dark; bored out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, the alone part doesn’t bother me (the darkness doesn’t either) but right now as I’m typing this I have no internet. Why does it sound so wrong to say that it means a lot to me? That without being able to go online I’m…going crazy?
Well for one thing, I don’t have a car. Oh yea, first thing on my checklist when I get out of boot camp. I suppose I could go on about how lucky everyone was when their parent’s bought them a car and how mine never had that kind of money, but that’s not what I want to talk about.
I find myself saying this quite a bit when writing, but back to my original point; no car. That means I can’t go anywhere and even if I did I have no money right now either, and EVEN IF I did where the hell would I go? I don’t know anybody in this dam state, I’m from Florida! So until I ship off the 22nd of this month, all I am doing is existing. Ok, not exactly true but you get the point. Without internet I can’t…survive?
No, that’s not right. I mean I’ll be in boot camp for nine weeks and I’ll be fine. Of course I can survive without it, but if I’m just sitting here all day trying not to gain weight before basic training how can I not go crazy when there is nothing to do but write this blog which I can’t even post?
The thought that made me want to write this was that I was thinking about earlier when I talked to my dad on the phone. I mean, the last few days I’ve heard the army people talk about how important family is and all that and I started to…be neutral towards my own? Well, tried anyway. I’ll get to my horrible sister in a minute. So I tried. Then today, I start talking to my dad who has been asking to speak with me and he starts going off blah blah..and I realize I’m just not interested. Like, what do you want?
Since I’ve finally made REAL progress in my life, I’ve heard the line “I’m proud of you!” so many times it makes me sick. Honesty, who cares? I sure don’t! Do you think I care about your pride or not? I’m doing this for me, not for anybody else. I still don’t even understand what that means. I know how I can be proud of myself, but proud of someone else? What the hell? How can I be proud of someone who is doing something that I’m not even a part of? I know I can be happy for someone, but proud, when that person and accomplishment has absolutely nothing to do with me? I really just don’t understand and I hate hearing someone tell me that.
This got me thinking, does anyone else really know what that means? What it really means? Oh I’m sure I would know that feeling if I was a parent (not anytime soon), but until then it’s just alien to me. Most people probably say it just because it sounds like the right thing to say. Do you really feel proud of me? As in, you feel proud to say you know me in some way? I’m sorry, but that is a ridiculous notion to me. Maybe it’s because I feel no real connection to these people. Maybe when I’m married (again, not anytime soon) and I feel real love towards my wife, I can be proud of her. But to say your proud of someone who has no real ties or interest in speaking with you, well I guess it’s no wonder I’m between giggling in amusement and gritting my teeth in anger when I hear those words spoken to me.
So, after speaking with my dad I realized that I just don’t care. I honestly don’t, and I am not sure how I feel about it. I don’t care whether he comes to my graduation, whether he is in my life at all. Well, that’s not true, I’d prefer not. The same thing with my mother, I just can’t even begin to explain those problems. Ridiculous, that is the only word to describe that situation. Well, and revolting but don’t make me out to be the bad guy here. Trust me when I say you really don’t want to know these things, I certainly don’t. And…well the same thing with everyone. Well, almost everyone. I would like to keep in touch with a few people, every so often. Sigh, sometimes I find myself asking just what the hell am I doing? Do we ever really know?
I suppose I could explain about my sister; I’m not sure I want to divulge things about my mother just because I don’t want to think about them. Well, the reason I literally hate my sister, is because she was never anything more than a (excuse my language) bitch. Truly, she captures the very essence of the word. She is the kind of person that walks around thinking she is better than everyone, giving everyone attitude and just being disrespectful to everyone. In her mind she is superior to the rest of us, and we should all bow down.
I’m sorry, but I just fucking hate that. How can you demand respect from everyone without earning ANY, and give absolutely none! When we were growing up..even then I hated her. She would start fights all the time, take offense from something not even directed at her, and just generally raise hell on a daily basis. Though I suppose you might have a different idea of me, but I’m a docile person. I just do my own thing and not worry about everyone else. I clean up after myself and just want peace.
I could go on and on about the times that add up to equal my utter loathing for that person, but I won’t. I will say that back when I was stuck in that dark place, she made it much worse. Barraging me with questions about getting a job and insults generally along the lines of “Your nothing” are just some of the things I’ll highlight for you. I wish I could go into greater detail, but honestly there were so many times I wanted to punch her in the face because she wouldn’t leave me alone that I can’t remember them all.
I just..have issues with people who can’t leave someone alone. I never bothered her, NOT ONCE did I come up to her or go into her room and say something that would ignite a heated debate or physical confrontation. NOT ONCE did I take an unprovoked verbal jab at her. Yet all of these things she has done, countless times. I think she knows that because she is female I cannot, in good conscience, use my full physical strength yet she is more than happy, ecstatic even, to come at me with the intention of seriously hurting me. I bet if you asked her even today, she thinks she could easily handle me(which is obviously not true, I’m not 12 anymore).
Just six months ago(as long as I have a say in the matter that will be the last time I ever see her) I almost lost control when she started pushing me around and yelling at the top of her lungs at me. For the record, I didn’t even do anything. She refused to have the decency to ask me to use something that was my property. She broke into my room and took what she wanted (with me sitting there watching) and had the nerve to act like I did something wrong. I seriously wished she had been an older brother right there, because I’d much rather test my strength against an arrogant self loving brother than stand by and do nothing to my idiotic older sister.
The gloves almost came off ladies and gentlemen, few people can get under my stoic exterior, but she is one of them. Somehow, I controlled myself and just shrugged it off. Looking back, I’m glad I did and I almost laughed when she told me she was proud of me on face book. What a ridiculous world. Did she think I forgot? That a simple “I’m so proud of you!” will erase years of torture and anger? I will never forget that fucking bitch and everything she has done to me. I will not seek revenge, but my hatred will never lose its edge. That…person (struggled with a word here) can just go to hell. I want nothing to do with her. My family are my friends, my few true friends. If you read this, you know who you are.
When I started writing this, I was asking myself if I knew what I was getting myself into. Was I sure the army is what I wanted to do? Was I sure that I wanted to cut these people out of my life? Do I know what I am doing? Do we EVER know what we are doing? Well, I think for once in my life, I can see clearly.
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Havoc
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