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Please note that since I've written this, my mood has softened quite a bit. As usual, I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Warning: Adult thoughts and language!


So here I am, a day away from going to the MEPS station. Whatís after that? I thought I would be shipped off right away, but Iím not too sure. The recruiters are talking about some future soldiers program. While I do want to get my fucking life straightened out ASAP, I do understand the need for them to prepare me for boot camp. Iím nervous as hell about PT, but one step at a time. One activity at a time, one push up at a time; canít be worried about the whole thing before I start or Iíll never make it that far.

Not sure why I am writing now, guess itís because Iím not sleepy. Been sleeping all day, have to change that and quick. Iíll have to do it the old fashioned way and just tough it out until my body (and mind) realizes that I should be sleeping late at night, not wide awake. I guess itís because Iím a night person, that makes it hard for me.

Anyway, Mandy has been bugging me lately. She knows something is wrong. Well nothing is wrong to me, but I guess to her it would be. Itís just so hard to explain, and I really canít explain it in a face book message even if I could. I mean, it makes sense to me, but Iím sure she wouldnít understand. No one would, and that makes me glad. I just want to be alone for awhile and be on my own little island. Sigh, just how am I going to pull that off? One step at a timeÖone person at a time. Every time I think about being alone, by myself in my own place, it makes me so happy! Going to work and coming home to a quiet houseÖgod does it get any better than that? Side note: Could I still have that while keeping in touch with everybody?

Well, I guess it COULD get better than that. I mean, I could meet a cute girl and fall in love. Just the two of usÖthat would definitely be amazing. I guess the problem is, letís be realistic here. Thatís just not going to happen, beautiful girls just donít fall into your lap while you go about your day. I just donít think there is too much hope for me considering my past statistics. Soon they just become bad memories sealed in the vault, reminders of my ridiculous epic failures. Itís kind of funny how much can pass between two people and then suddenly it evaporates, leaving no evidence but the memories. How many of them remember my name?

Back to that side note and the train of thought that followed it. Couldnít I still be alone, in my own house living that separate life from the past; while still keeping in touch with everyone? In a short answer, no. Just no. Because simply, there is a difference from being physically alone and mentally (or emotionally, if you prefer) alone. Iíve been mentally alone the majority of my life, so much that I actually enjoy the solitude. Iíve been called anti-social before, and well Iíd have to say there is some truth to that. Itís different if Iím talking to a girl that I could get close to, but generally I donít really talk to people.

Back to my original point, Iíve been mentally alone for so long no matter how many people were around me. I always spent my time in my room, with my door closed. I was never doing anything, but for some reason I just always want my door closed. Being the strange guy that I am, when I live with someone I just start to hate them. I can just look at them and feel that hate! Iíll mock them when their back is turned and just think how great it would be toÖwell Iím not going into detail but you can figure it out. I donít know, I just see faults so clearly. So, if I have the chance to have my own house and be physically alone, it wonít mean anything if Iím not mentally alone like Iíve always been. And thatís why Iím going to cut everyone out of my life, because itís just what I want and letís be honest, none of them can force me to interact with them. Thatís how I want it.

Now, a curious thought popped into my head. I did say that I start to hate people that I live with. Does this mean that Iíll never be happy with a women? Iíll start to hate her? Nah, I never hated Tori. Well, let me rephrase that, I never hated her when we were together. Sure I was unbelievably angry and hurt when it ended, but that was because it ended and how it ended; my own demons having nothing to do with that.
I
íd be really happy if I could be in a relationship with a girl and we moved in with each other. I guess until then (if it ever happens) I just want to be on my own and single and not give two shits about anyone. Itís way too early for me to be thinking about relationships, too many factors and too many things I havenít done. But when Iím readyÖthen what? Hah, itís kind of funny, I donít really know. One step at a time, right?


------
Havoc


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The following comments are for "It's kind of funny"
by HavocTheDemon

just so you know
I read this and thanks for the snapshot of your thoughts/life/whatever.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: February 5, 2011 )

Think about it...
"I want to be alone and I want my door closed for some reason"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Good Luck....haven't been alone since 1964. Feels like a shadow stuck up your butt...

Meanwhile practice your push ups....never know when she'll come along...



( Posted by: JETFIREk [Member] On: February 5, 2011 )

Pen and Judy
Nice to meet you Penelope! Hope to see you around when I get back, whenever that will be!Thank you both for reading. Sometimes things move fast and other times I'm sitting there wondering why the clock is barely moving. Thanks for the kind words. I just feel compelled to write these sometimes and can't help myself!

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: February 7, 2011 )





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