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Please note that since I've written this, my mood has softened quite a bit. As usual, I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Warning: Adult thoughts and language!
So here I am, a day away from going to the MEPS station. What’s after that? I thought I would be shipped off right away, but I’m not too sure. The recruiters are talking about some future soldiers program. While I do want to get my fucking life straightened out ASAP, I do understand the need for them to prepare me for boot camp. I’m nervous as hell about PT, but one step at a time. One activity at a time, one push up at a time; can’t be worried about the whole thing before I start or I’ll never make it that far.
Not sure why I am writing now, guess it’s because I’m not sleepy. Been sleeping all day, have to change that and quick. I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way and just tough it out until my body (and mind) realizes that I should be sleeping late at night, not wide awake. I guess it’s because I’m a night person, that makes it hard for me.
Anyway, Mandy has been bugging me lately. She knows something is wrong. Well nothing is wrong to me, but I guess to her it would be. It’s just so hard to explain, and I really can’t explain it in a face book message even if I could. I mean, it makes sense to me, but I’m sure she wouldn’t understand. No one would, and that makes me glad. I just want to be alone for awhile and be on my own little island. Sigh, just how am I going to pull that off? One step at a time…one person at a time. Every time I think about being alone, by myself in my own place, it makes me so happy! Going to work and coming home to a quiet house…god does it get any better than that? Side note: Could I still have that while keeping in touch with everybody?
Well, I guess it COULD get better than that. I mean, I could meet a cute girl and fall in love. Just the two of us…that would definitely be amazing. I guess the problem is, let’s be realistic here. That’s just not going to happen, beautiful girls just don’t fall into your lap while you go about your day. I just don’t think there is too much hope for me considering my past statistics. Soon they just become bad memories sealed in the vault, reminders of my ridiculous epic failures. It’s kind of funny how much can pass between two people and then suddenly it evaporates, leaving no evidence but the memories. How many of them remember my name?
Back to that side note and the train of thought that followed it. Couldn’t I still be alone, in my own house living that separate life from the past; while still keeping in touch with everyone? In a short answer, no. Just no. Because simply, there is a difference from being physically alone and mentally (or emotionally, if you prefer) alone. I’ve been mentally alone the majority of my life, so much that I actually enjoy the solitude. I’ve been called anti-social before, and well I’d have to say there is some truth to that. It’s different if I’m talking to a girl that I could get close to, but generally I don’t really talk to people.
Back to my original point, I’ve been mentally alone for so long no matter how many people were around me. I always spent my time in my room, with my door closed. I was never doing anything, but for some reason I just always want my door closed. Being the strange guy that I am, when I live with someone I just start to hate them. I can just look at them and feel that hate! I’ll mock them when their back is turned and just think how great it would be to…well I’m not going into detail but you can figure it out. I don’t know, I just see faults so clearly. So, if I have the chance to have my own house and be physically alone, it won’t mean anything if I’m not mentally alone like I’ve always been. And that’s why I’m going to cut everyone out of my life, because it’s just what I want and let’s be honest, none of them can force me to interact with them. That’s how I want it.
Now, a curious thought popped into my head. I did say that I start to hate people that I live with. Does this mean that I’ll never be happy with a women? I’ll start to hate her? Nah, I never hated Tori. Well, let me rephrase that, I never hated her when we were together. Sure I was unbelievably angry and hurt when it ended, but that was because it ended and how it ended; my own demons having nothing to do with that.
I
’d be really happy if I could be in a relationship with a girl and we moved in with each other. I guess until then (if it ever happens) I just want to be on my own and single and not give two shits about anyone. It’s way too early for me to be thinking about relationships, too many factors and too many things I haven’t done. But when I’m ready…then what? Hah, it’s kind of funny, I don’t really know. One step at a time, right?
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Havoc
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