Before this goes any further, I do want to say that this is pretty raw, and please don't include yourself(especially David) or any other members of litdotorg into my rant. Through my horrible and small amount of writing you know me much better than anyone else.
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I suppose I just get a laugh out of posting these. Truth be told, I'm quite nervous because the last two I've written were much more personal and..venomous? I just hope none of you get the wrong idea or perception when reading these. The title was chosen because the idea of a spider getting caught in it's own web fit quite nicely. Once again, I do use adult language so be warned. Be gentle if you decide to comment, as these were never meant to be read by anyone other than yours truly.
Have you ever looked around at your friends, your close friends, and saw them moving forward but you standing still? Iíve been stuck in a place that I never wanted to be in, for awhile. It hurts to admit it, it really does. I must have missed the day when everyone got that handout entitled: The Guide to Life. I wasnít doing anything for myself, for a long time. Living with mom, no job and not even a license at 19 years old. It really hurts to admit something like that, but I welcome the pain. I use it as a tool to remind myself what I really want: to be alone.
Yes, alone and on my own. What does that mean to Havoc? It means I want everyone to fuck off and die. I want it to be just me, JUST me. I want to go to work in the morning, doing what I wanted to do (being a soldier in the US army) and come home to no one! Absolutely no one, an empty house. No one I can look at and just start to feel the hatred bubbling up inside of me. Just me, the thought drives me forward more than any other. I want to forget everybody, everything about who I once was. I want to be that guy Iíve always been inside, the demon who defied the world. I want to say fuck everyone and just live MY life. Who cares?
Iím not saying I donít have any attachments to my friends and such, but I could easily throw them away for me, to preserve what I want; to be on my own. Now I know this is a two-sided coin, being on your own is tough but I can do it. I will thrive on it, I know it. They will all be fine without me, they already are. Everyone is moving forward with their lives and Iíd just be putting myself on some sort of pedestal if I thought they would notice or even care. I want to start my life, MINE and no one elseís. Who Iíve been in the past is so different from who Iíve been inside, and Iím finally close to being that person. No one is going to stop me.
But could I live with that? Could I really, just forget them and not even talk to my best friends ever again? Well, Iíd never really forget them unless I suffer some sort of memory loss, and Iíve learned in the past not to say never(or forever), but even with those stipulations; could I live with that? Honestly, I could. All I want in this world is to be on my own, self sufficient. I donít want to talk any of my family members or any of my past friends. Once I get out of boot camp Iím going to be a totally different person, and I just canít wait. I donít want any part of the past anymore, Iím going to wash my hands and be done with it.
No exceptions and no regrets. Letís just hope they can let me go, it might be hard to escape the grasp of the past. After enough time has passed, Iím sure they will give up. Thatís what I want, truly. To be rid of all this, to be proud of the life I am living and be proud of where I am in life. I donít need them and they certainly donít need me, everyone is just fine. Sure they may send me a message asking how I am or I will cross their minds once in awhile and they will wonder but eventually I will just fade away from them and thatís how I want it.
The thought of someone thinking about me and trying to get in touch with me but canít find anybody who knows my number, just fills me with so muchÖjoy. It honestly does, and maybe I am sick because of it. I just donít know, but I do know what I want. I hardly think I am running away, just choosing to remove myself from them. Itís not any of them, itís me. They sicken me, yes itís true and maybe thatís wrong. Every single person Iíve known has just disgusted me in some way, and when I remember why, itís so easy for me. Iíve felt true loathing towards everyone Iíve ever known, itís just plain and simple. I donít want to be around any of these people anymore, no one from my past is going to be in my new life. Iím going to focus on me, and donít want to give a shit about anyone else. Yes, I mean everyone. They are sadly mistaken if they think I will even talk to them again once I am on my feet and on my own. Iíll find a way to get rid of them, somehow. Even the resilient ones, such as mom or dad, will be cut out of my life until I deem it necessary to change that decision.
The loathing and disgust thing isnít the reason, so donít focus on that. I just really, really want to be on my own. I canít explain it, I just want my life to consist of me and what I do from then on. They say the past is what makes you who you are. Itís true to an extent, but Iíve never been myself in the past. Just, a fraction of myself I was forced to be to survive under the pressures of everyone else. I donít want to erase the past, but leave it behind. Starting fresh, that is what it means to Havoc.
I suppose there is a measure of strategy and subtlety to do this without being mean, but is it worth the effort? Truly? I just donít know, but feigning ignorance seems quite easy to do, and other times just completely ignoring some people will be even easier. Ah, tact and cunning, brute force and simple power, all these things are a part of me, a facet of my personality. I will just have to feel out each situation and do exactly what I feel will work. Except for the time I was with her, I was alone and lonely. But Iím done with that, not with being alone, but sick of being lonely. I donít need them if I can finally learn to stand on my own two feet. I wonít need anybody. Honestly, that is my real dream. If I donít ever find love again, it will be a sad thing, but will I be sad? Hell no, because at the end of the day, I am the only one that matters. No one will ever understand, but that of course makes me, me. I wouldnít have it any other way.