This is the follow up. Rereading your own writing that you never intended for anyone to read is a very surreal feeling. Did I really write that? I had totally forgotten about it and litdotorg hadnít crossed my mind in quite awhile. It was the last thing I had written; itís been what, a month or two? I have been a bit busy, and Iím slightly happy where I am today. I finished the semester of college with a good GPA (Iíd have to double check). My grades were all Aís and Bís (I did miss out on another A because I did horrible on the final, they did not prepare me for that!). Iím trying to get my life together after I screwed it up and Iím making solid progress.
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As you guessed from my previous blog, it just happened. Yeah, I dropped out. It wasnít because I wasnít smart, I was just caught in a situation that had the inevitable conclusion. I had no idea how to stop it, and at the time I didnít care. Looking back, I really canít blame my father. He definitely didnít help the situation at all, but I know that no matter what pending a miracle, I had dug my own grave. I take responsibility for being a handful, no one knew how to reach out to me and to be honest Iím not totally certain it was possible. My dad wasnít abusive, he was a pretty cool dad when me and my sister were kids. Oh, yeah I have a sister, and I hate her (though recently Havoc seems to be losing his edge, havenít felt any real anger towards her; what a strange world we live in).
Back to my original point, as a father he had his ups and downs but certainly nothing dramatic like an abusive alcoholic. I guess there is a time in life when every kid starts to open his or her eyes to the world. We realize that our parentís donít know anything about the world around them. You see, I was always a sarcastic person, and when someone was completely wrong about something I would call them on it. This was a two-way street, if I was wrong I would admit it. Now this might sound conceited, but Havoc is never wrong. Yes, I said it, he, I, am never wrong. Insane? Let me explain. I donít say things that Iím not certain of. If I donít know, I am going to say I DONíT KNOW. If I have a feeling or some insight but Iím not sure, I will say IíM NOT SURE BUTÖ.So you see, itís more of not ever really putting myself in a situation where Iím wrong. Iím honest to people (provided the demon has no reason to despise you) and that is just how I do things.
Anyway, my point in all that was to say that my dad didnít take sarcasm very well. What I mean is, he never admits when he is wrong. His one true flaw (if I had to put myself on some sort of judge chair) is that he canít admit fault. When your kid calls you on something simple that makes you look like you donít know what the hell you are doing, Iím sure things arenít going to end well. See, my dad would joke and take little verbal jabs at everyone and it would be funny. But if you came back at him with an equal sarcastic comment he would get angry. Most likely it would blow over after a few days but it didnít change the fact that for some reason I had to treat him with the utmost respect when he never gave any to me. Why would a dad stoop to a kids level and poke you, if he wasnít prepared to receive the same treatment?
So thatís about all I want to say about my dad. Itís over, Iím over it. Havoc casts aside the memory like the popsicle stick after he devoured the ice cream that was around it. Right now, it is almost 7pm and I only just woke up an hour ago. When you donít have anything to do, your schedule becomes very bizarre. Now calm down gentle reader, I know this sounds bad but let me explain. No I am not on the self destructive path anymore, despite how that sentence sounded. Piece by piece Iím getting my life back together, like a jigsaw puzzle that Iím not quite sure what the picture is.
After I moved in with my mom, a few months after my 18th birthday, I took my GED test and passed with flying colors. It was pretty simple to me, I honestly didnít consider studying even though everyone told me to. Havoc oh Havoc, what a stubborn but undeniably flashy person. Passing tests without opening a single book on the subject is just what he does. Enough of that though, as of right now I completed my semester of college (as I previously stated) and have my 22 credits. Though 15 was sufficient, I mind as well finish out the quarter right? 11 and 11. Anyway, I took my ASVAB last week and, you guessed it, without studying. Can you guess what happened? Iím just going to type this sentence to draw out the suspense..lalalaÖ.ok enough! I passed, was there any doubt? I got a 73 with a GT score of 113. People tell me that itís pretty good, and who is Havoc to resist saying ďDo go onÖĒ
So where I stand today, is on the edge of doing something with my life. Iím excited, not that Iím satisfied with just ďsomething,Ē but because I really do want to join the army. Honestly, Iím deathly afraid of the physical stress. Iíve never been too athletic, but I have my moments. Smarts has been a bit of a trump card of mine. Iím not talking rocket scientist, but raw smarts. I know with my will power, and of course, Havoc oh Havoc within me, I will make it somehow. Iíve never been a religious person, but if god does exist, maybe Havoc is his gift to me. His never ending will to succeed without the help of others is something that nobody else has. His strengthÖ.my strength, is undeniable.
I do want to give a shout out to Jetfire, who might possibly be the nicest person in the world. Now if I was an emotional guy (I am but I donít show it) I might have shed a tear after reading that comment. Without Jetfire, I would not be writing this right now. Sorry itís been so long friends, you will be without me even longer when I head off to boot camp. I wish I could say Iím sorry, but my writing still has just so many flaws. I need to learn, I mean really learn what the hell Iím doing before I want to post something that the rest of you will look at.
Oh and Jetfire, there was a girl, one that I truly loved and who may have changed me forever. I donít talk to her anymore, because for some reason I just donít feel the need to. Thank you for the kind words, truly. Iím starting fresh once I finish boot camp. What that means to Havoc, well Iíll just let the curious reader speculate.