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Gone are El Paso sunrises
where true loved
reigned briefly,
leaving only
a taste of burnt ashes.

Gone are El Paso sundowns
over coarse sand
and broken glass,
remnants of a future time.

Copyright 1971 James D. Young
Copyright renewed 1999 James D. Young




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The following comments are for "GONE"
by JamesYoung

"Gone"
L2, of S1: It's, "love".."where true love briefly reigned"

L4, of S2: perhaps, "remnants" 'for' or 'in', instead, "'of' a future time"

If it's, "remnants of," it would be, "of time passed."

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 26, 2010 )

Busted!
Ah, the typo police got me, Bobby7L. I gotta beware of those danged d-demons always droppin' in on things. Pleadin' guilty, as charged (tho it's sometimes tough to peck away at good keyboard copy while the guy/gal sittin' next to you at the library is on a cell phone and flappin' lips like laundry in a Texas breeze.)

Re the 2nd observation, I was being my usual time-trippy sci-fi self and had intended the "of" as written. Of course, that was 'way back in my imbibing days, so anything might've worked. lol. Thx! - Jim

( Posted by: JamesYoung [Member] On: December 29, 2010 )

James.. "Gone"
I'm glad you received my suggestions in the spirit they were intended.

I'll leave handing out 10's like Halloween candy to others.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 29, 2010 )

Ten
Nice imagry, and only a stooge would not realize it is love and not loved in line 2 of verse 1, and only Beaves or Butthead would comment on it anyway. Not worth it and in no way is it relevant..

However, I do have this one issue with verse 2, El Paso is in sort of a horse shoe shape around the mountain forming the Southern Pass, where El Paso gets its name, and Fort Bliss formS all of the space up to the base of the mountain, so I can see, geogra[hically, where there could not be much sand, coarse or fine, of any desert, although the whole area is desert. Ft Bliss has exploded in growth, and the desert is all gone. But, again, this is nit picking, and maybe the imagry of the poem tells of a time long gone by, of course it does, it says as much.

I give this a 10, as well, because your picture does call up some older El Paso memories to my own mind.

So much imagry in El Paso, how about a summer rain coming in off of the mountain range for a bit of heat relief, WONDERFUL WONDERFUL, you can see half a dozen rainbows at one time, how about a rib-eye or huge T-Bone steak out at the CATTLEMAN'S STEAK HOUSE at Indian Cliffs Ranch? Truly the best steak you will EVER EAT, anywhere and the friendliest ranch crew you will ever meet. And Ciudad Juarez is not all that bad.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

herrdom2
L4, of S2: perhaps, "remnants" 'for' or 'in', instead, "'of' a future time"

If it's, "remnants of," it would be, "of time passed."

( Posted by: VeeBdosa [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

Future
"Gone"
L4, of S2: perhaps, "remnants" 'for' or 'in', instead, "'of' a future time"

If it's, "remnants of," it would be, "of time passed."

Bobby, such a suggestion destroys the deepest meaning of this futeristic line, the poet has it absolutely right. It is a beautiful line that suggests many things, most importantly, "I've got to find it again!!!" Perfect, absolutely perfect.

( Posted by: VeeBdosa [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

of "Imagery"
..yeah, imagery, with an 'e', any "stooge" knows that, as well..

Veeb,
Editing is our friend. The poster, I think, gets that. Your offerings show that you do not.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

LMAO
You 2 are endin' my year on a good funny-bone note. Thx 4 the comments & the laffs.

And veebdosa, covered Ciudad Juarez in my still-unpublished novel RERUN. What a present day history it has, eh? A great jumping off point for the protagonist heading down to Chihuahua.

( Posted by: JamesYoung [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

James
A writer's site is not the place to dummy-down writing. I think you know that. It's a place to improve your writing. One of the details/disciplines of good writing is editing.

If you send poorly edited pieces to a potential publisher, what do you think they're going to do?
Most likely, they will not pay much attention to your work.

I would want to have someone let me know if I had an editing issue..so I could FIX it.

Keep putting pen to paper.

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

In Agreement
Did appreciate your comments, Bobby7L. My former editor/proofreader eye was not working that day. No excuses, but when I send stuff to a publisher or a magazine, I cringe if it does not leave my hands in perfect condition.
Much success to you and all in 2011!

( Posted by: JamesYoung [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

James
As writers, we should aspire to that here, as well.

I'm my own toughest critic.

Happy New Year,
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: December 30, 2010 )

Safe Food Safe Sex
I will look forward to reading RERUN, since, according to first, hand, believable citizens of Juarez, our Media feeds us nothing but inflated accountings, aND if you know where NOT TO GO you will be fine, it is affordable. Avoid the food and the Senoritas before Siesta at alll costs.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: December 31, 2010 )





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