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What exactly is this you might ask. Well curious reader, this is an attempt to let everyone get to know me a little better. This is a way to write without, well working on things that actually matter. Like Twilight Shadows, or my NaNoWriMo project (which Sandra likes). Obviously November is over, but I still want to finish it someday. Iím writing this because I really donít want to work on something, I just want to write. I suppose this is mostly free writing, streaming live from yours truly. The real reason Iím writing is like Beckett Grey always says, ďWe write because not writing is worse.Ē

Anyway, Iím Havoc. Hello and nice to meet you. I was recently rereading Davidís (HeroComplex) blog. Yes, all of it and I loved it (simply click on his name next to the other staff members on the right panel). Please note that I keep it to a minimum, but I DO use adult language. If you are offended by ďRĒ rated thoughts, please donít read any further.

Sometimes I feel like my life so far has not really started. As Iím writing this Iím one week away from finishing this semester and talking to a recruiter. Hopefully Iíll be able to join right away. You see, I have made quite a few mistakes in my short 19 (Iíll be 20 this month actually) years on this planet. While most of us have, Iíve made some doozys. Is that right? Who knows? Anyway, I donít think there is much worse than not approving of yourself. Tie that in with being utterly alone, hating EVERYONE around you, and doing nothing for yourself and there you have my teenage years in a nutshell.

My sophomore year of high school was pretty normal. During the 3rd or 4th quarter, I started missing school a lot. I mean a lot. Originally it was just a kid being a kid, lazy and just feeling that summer feeling too early. I lived a block away from the school so I just walked. My freshman year my bike was stolen (bastards!) and I never got another one, funny huh? Back to my story, since I walked and my dad left for work much before I left for school, I was pretty much my own alarm clock. I even had one, but I would just wake up, turn it off, then go to sleep again.

At the end of the year, my grades definitely were hurt. I was so lazy back then, I would intentionally keep my grades around Cís. I could live with those grades, so why do work to make them go higher? If I had a B or even a rare A in high school, I would stop doing any work for a few days. So it came at the end of the year that I didnít get the credits I needed. My dad, being the wise and powerful man that he was, grounded me for the entire summer because of my failing grades. I paid the price and I think this was where my insanity began. Being trapped in the house made me resent him every time I saw him. To ease my disgust, I would not even leave my room. I would leave my room to use the bathroom (including shower), and eat. These things were ALWAYS done when no one else was home. My resentment had turned to utter hatred and loathing. Every time my friends came over to see if I could hang out (it happened a few times a week) my anger increased two fold. Somehow, I managed to live those two months barely speaking to anyone.

The next year school year I was a Junior but didnít have enough credits to be considered one, so technically I was a sophomore still. That being said, my truant ways just caught up to me again. I would sleep in all the time and go to class during 2nd, 3rd, and 4th period; sometimes during lunch. I would have to say that every other day I was absent, and when I did come to school I missed some of my classes. On average I maybe made it one full day of school out of every week. The weird thing about this was that I became popular, infamous even. All of the kids in my classes, and even some who werenít knew me. I was the kid that was never there. For some dam reason I never understood I carved out a nicheí in the popularity structure. I remember one specific time that a kid I knew saw me in gym class and said ďhey, youíre here today!Ē Yeah, a real original greeting that I heard around ten times a day. What was funny was that after gym we had math class together as well, right after. I basically followed him right to the class, and not even five minutes later he looked at me and said, ďhey, youíre here today!Ē I remember being half way from laughing hysterically and strangling the asshole for being so dam stupid. Once again, I shrugged it off and continued to wear my stoic I-donít-give-a-shit mask. Teachers knew not to call on me when I wore that protective armor and students left me alone, which was just what I wanted. During class I would put my head down and sleep, listen to my iPod, or read a book.

Again my father took action. He confiscated my Xbox from my room when I was somewhere, I canít remember but I wasnít home. This infuriated me because it was MY Xbox, he didnít even buy it for me! It was my property, what the fuck!? He even shut off the cable in my room and I would spend hours upon endless hours staring at the ceiling and laying on the couch in my room. This went on for days, weeks, and months but I just wouldnít break. The demon that had spawned from my disgust and hatred would not concede. He would NOT let me give up. Not once did I seriously think of hurting myself, but more than once I pictured actually brutally murdering my family members. Iím not afraid to admit this because somehow I kept myself in check. Iíd be lying if I said I still donít harbor these demons within me. They are forever a part of me, thus Havoc The Demon was born. He is my hate, my loathing, my anger and pain. Yet he gives me strength and power, he will never let me give up and he will keep me alive, because he needs me. We are one and the same, he gives me everything I need to push forward in life. It is such a strange thing.

Back to my story, I didnít want to go to school because my dad had taken everything away from me. What was the point? I was a confused kid, rebelling and angry at everything. He just didnít know what to do but threaten me, push me into a corner. All my father did was forever imprint the memory of him being an unbelievable asshole. Day after day he would torment me by jamming speeches down my throat and asking me questions about getting a job. He wouldnít even let me leave the house!

There were days when I would wake up (around noon) or so to voices. I donít know why, but even to this day I am an extremely light sleeper. When Iím dozing my hearing becomes supersonic or something, like Supermanís. Anyway, I would hear my father talking about me. It was mostly negative, like what I did yesterday, what I didnít do, my grades, my truancy, my laziness, anything and everything. Iíve learned since then that my father is a complete head case, he never stops complaining about everything. He thrives on misery and itís always everyone elseís fault. He would complain to anyone who listened to him about me including my sister, any of my three uncles, my mom, you name it.

The last straw was one particular morning (I honestly canít remember what day it was) that I awoke in my room to some very annoying voices. Now I hate being woken up by something stupid, but the damage was done. They were in the living room but I heard them clear as day. It was my dad talking to my uncle Danny about, you guessed it; me. They were various things from me getting a job to me getting my permit or license. Those were all his fault, but of course being the kid with all of that power at my disposal I was to blame. He never wanted me to get my permit because ďit would add $1,000 to his insurance.Ē One particular line came out of his mouth and Iíll never forget it or his tone of voice. He said, ďOn his 18th birthday Iím going to throw all of his stuff out on the front lawn and tell him to get out.Ē Now his tone of voice wasnít sad, resigned, or even just engulfed in anger. It was calm and sinister. He said it how a bad guy from a cheesy movie would explain his ingenious evil plot to a minion.

I just really couldnít believe it, yet I heard it with my own ears. His only son in a serious state of mental instability and uncertainty, clearly I was depressed and angry at the world, not knowing how to deal with it; I barely talked and I grew an undeniable hatred for anyone who tried to reach out to me. On my 18th birthday? Only 4 days away from Christmas(my birthday is the 21st). Wow. That totally blew my mind and cemented the fact that I hated my father. What a fucking heartless jerk. The very next day I took everything I owned (which was my Xbox, my TV, and clothes) and moved in with my mom.

Well curious reader, there is much more to be said but I think Iíve bored you enough for one blog. If this gets any comments Iíll continue but if not then Iíll get the hint that no one cares. I hope the slight peek into some dark times was slightly entertaining.


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The following comments are for "The Demons"
by HavocTheDemon

Havoc...You Got It....
Hey Guy...I care....keep writing....

I pick up on your "notes" (because I want you to write more, for now they're just notes)

You come from a broken did I...Your father was 100% negative; My mom 100% positive.

I make the comparisons because had your father found something to lift you up and there is "always" something....and make you feel good about yourself....You would have had A's

I wondered throughout your story....where is that girl in his life...That's all it would have taken ..."encouragement"...where is she?

It isn't you Havoc...and never was....Let this lesson teach you to say kind things to people, to encourage them in the least small way....

God is trying to tell you something......Listen closely...with your super sonic ears...

Unfortunantly, as a grandmother twice over and for whatever it's worth to a young good looking guy...I love you....I love your fiesty ways, Your brilliant mind..and your ability to out write everyone on Lit.Org....The reaon I know this..Is because...I just read the best writing I have ever read...Now...
KEEP YOUR PROMISE...You said...You'd write more ...I'm waiting....

( Posted by: JetfireK [Member] On: January 9, 2011 )

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