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What exactly is this you might ask. Well curious reader, this is an attempt to let everyone get to know me a little better. This is a way to write without, well working on things that actually matter. Like Twilight Shadows, or my NaNoWriMo project (which Sandra likes). Obviously November is over, but I still want to finish it someday. I’m writing this because I really don’t want to work on something, I just want to write. I suppose this is mostly free writing, streaming live from yours truly. The real reason I’m writing is like Beckett Grey always says, “We write because not writing is worse.”
Anyway, I’m Havoc. Hello and nice to meet you. I was recently rereading David’s (HeroComplex) blog. Yes, all of it and I loved it (simply click on his name next to the other staff members on the right panel). Please note that I keep it to a minimum, but I DO use adult language. If you are offended by “R” rated thoughts, please don’t read any further.
Sometimes I feel like my life so far has not really started. As I’m writing this I’m one week away from finishing this semester and talking to a recruiter. Hopefully I’ll be able to join right away. You see, I have made quite a few mistakes in my short 19 (I’ll be 20 this month actually) years on this planet. While most of us have, I’ve made some doozys. Is that right? Who knows? Anyway, I don’t think there is much worse than not approving of yourself. Tie that in with being utterly alone, hating EVERYONE around you, and doing nothing for yourself and there you have my teenage years in a nutshell.
My sophomore year of high school was pretty normal. During the 3rd or 4th quarter, I started missing school a lot. I mean a lot. Originally it was just a kid being a kid, lazy and just feeling that summer feeling too early. I lived a block away from the school so I just walked. My freshman year my bike was stolen (bastards!) and I never got another one, funny huh? Back to my story, since I walked and my dad left for work much before I left for school, I was pretty much my own alarm clock. I even had one, but I would just wake up, turn it off, then go to sleep again.
At the end of the year, my grades definitely were hurt. I was so lazy back then, I would intentionally keep my grades around C’s. I could live with those grades, so why do work to make them go higher? If I had a B or even a rare A in high school, I would stop doing any work for a few days. So it came at the end of the year that I didn’t get the credits I needed. My dad, being the wise and powerful man that he was, grounded me for the entire summer because of my failing grades. I paid the price and I think this was where my insanity began. Being trapped in the house made me resent him every time I saw him. To ease my disgust, I would not even leave my room. I would leave my room to use the bathroom (including shower), and eat. These things were ALWAYS done when no one else was home. My resentment had turned to utter hatred and loathing. Every time my friends came over to see if I could hang out (it happened a few times a week) my anger increased two fold. Somehow, I managed to live those two months barely speaking to anyone.
The next year school year I was a Junior but didn’t have enough credits to be considered one, so technically I was a sophomore still. That being said, my truant ways just caught up to me again. I would sleep in all the time and go to class during 2nd, 3rd, and 4th period; sometimes during lunch. I would have to say that every other day I was absent, and when I did come to school I missed some of my classes. On average I maybe made it one full day of school out of every week. The weird thing about this was that I became popular, infamous even. All of the kids in my classes, and even some who weren’t knew me. I was the kid that was never there. For some dam reason I never understood I carved out a niche’ in the popularity structure. I remember one specific time that a kid I knew saw me in gym class and said “hey, you’re here today!” Yeah, a real original greeting that I heard around ten times a day. What was funny was that after gym we had math class together as well, right after. I basically followed him right to the class, and not even five minutes later he looked at me and said, “hey, you’re here today!” I remember being half way from laughing hysterically and strangling the asshole for being so dam stupid. Once again, I shrugged it off and continued to wear my stoic I-don’t-give-a-shit mask. Teachers knew not to call on me when I wore that protective armor and students left me alone, which was just what I wanted. During class I would put my head down and sleep, listen to my iPod, or read a book.
Again my father took action. He confiscated my Xbox from my room when I was somewhere, I can’t remember but I wasn’t home. This infuriated me because it was MY Xbox, he didn’t even buy it for me! It was my property, what the fuck!? He even shut off the cable in my room and I would spend hours upon endless hours staring at the ceiling and laying on the couch in my room. This went on for days, weeks, and months but I just wouldn’t break. The demon that had spawned from my disgust and hatred would not concede. He would NOT let me give up. Not once did I seriously think of hurting myself, but more than once I pictured actually brutally murdering my family members. I’m not afraid to admit this because somehow I kept myself in check. I’d be lying if I said I still don’t harbor these demons within me. They are forever a part of me, thus Havoc The Demon was born. He is my hate, my loathing, my anger and pain. Yet he gives me strength and power, he will never let me give up and he will keep me alive, because he needs me. We are one and the same, he gives me everything I need to push forward in life. It is such a strange thing.
Back to my story, I didn’t want to go to school because my dad had taken everything away from me. What was the point? I was a confused kid, rebelling and angry at everything. He just didn’t know what to do but threaten me, push me into a corner. All my father did was forever imprint the memory of him being an unbelievable asshole. Day after day he would torment me by jamming speeches down my throat and asking me questions about getting a job. He wouldn’t even let me leave the house!
There were days when I would wake up (around noon) or so to voices. I don’t know why, but even to this day I am an extremely light sleeper. When I’m dozing my hearing becomes supersonic or something, like Superman’s. Anyway, I would hear my father talking about me. It was mostly negative, like what I did yesterday, what I didn’t do, my grades, my truancy, my laziness, anything and everything. I’ve learned since then that my father is a complete head case, he never stops complaining about everything. He thrives on misery and it’s always everyone else’s fault. He would complain to anyone who listened to him about me including my sister, any of my three uncles, my mom, you name it.
The last straw was one particular morning (I honestly can’t remember what day it was) that I awoke in my room to some very annoying voices. Now I hate being woken up by something stupid, but the damage was done. They were in the living room but I heard them clear as day. It was my dad talking to my uncle Danny about, you guessed it; me. They were various things from me getting a job to me getting my permit or license. Those were all his fault, but of course being the kid with all of that power at my disposal I was to blame. He never wanted me to get my permit because “it would add $1,000 to his insurance.” One particular line came out of his mouth and I’ll never forget it or his tone of voice. He said, “On his 18th birthday I’m going to throw all of his stuff out on the front lawn and tell him to get out.” Now his tone of voice wasn’t sad, resigned, or even just engulfed in anger. It was calm and sinister. He said it how a bad guy from a cheesy movie would explain his ingenious evil plot to a minion.
I just really couldn’t believe it, yet I heard it with my own ears. His only son in a serious state of mental instability and uncertainty, clearly I was depressed and angry at the world, not knowing how to deal with it; I barely talked and I grew an undeniable hatred for anyone who tried to reach out to me. On my 18th birthday? Only 4 days away from Christmas(my birthday is the 21st). Wow. That totally blew my mind and cemented the fact that I hated my father. What a fucking heartless jerk. The very next day I took everything I owned (which was my Xbox, my TV, and clothes) and moved in with my mom.
Well curious reader, there is much more to be said but I think I’ve bored you enough for one blog. If this gets any comments I’ll continue but if not then I’ll get the hint that no one cares. I hope the slight peek into some dark times was slightly entertaining.
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Havoc
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