A New Day
by Sami93 (Member) - published: November 25, 2010
Word Count: 270 Word Bytes: 1523 Viewed: 286 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by Sami93

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This is the day I end all this
This is the day that I say no more
No more for failure no more for darkness
I have lived far too long in the dark
And never tried hard to see the light
I have fooled myself, thinking that what I was doing
Was everything I could, everything in my power
But now I have come to realize...
I tried hard but that wasn't enough
I gave too much but that wasn't enough
And so now I can see that I have a lot more to give
A lot more that I could do
This is the day that I will start again
This is the day that I will say farewell
Farewell to the days of depression
Farewell to the times I let myself down
This is the day that I will be someone new
This is the day that I will be a somebody
Somebody that will change the course of the world
That will be loved and accepted
I have looked for many years for acceptance
I have been treading on the wrong road
This is why I say this day is like no other
Today a revolution will start, and it will begin in my heart
Today someone new will be born from my body
Someone who is more confident and a hard worker
Confident in what he does, a hard worker in his studies
Some who loves himself not hate
I can't take anymore failure
Because I can't let myself down any longer
I am now facing my biggest demon
And this demon is... I

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Comments

The following comments are for "A New Day"
by Sami93

sorry
sorry it should be someone who loves himself, not some who loves himself...
my apologies

( Posted by: Sami93 [Member] On: November 26, 2010 )

Facing Demons

Samie,

An interesting and informative read if it is read as the third person relating it to oneself.

Poetry style appears good to me and is certainly very readable, the interjection of rhyme goes well and adds to the read.

On the subject matter there is possibly only one thing I would change slightly to enhance your meaning. I would have altered the following line slightly:

"Someone who will start realizing how much he gives and how little he takes"
to
"Someone who will start realizing how much he gives and not what he takes"

..this would have shown what I feel is the purpose of this change, to stop worrying what you get out of life and start looking what you give. (And actually doing this you get far more enjoyment from life.)

I feel your summary finally shows us all what our 'real' problems are!

"I am now facing my biggest demon
And this demon is... I"

Nice one,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: November 30, 2010 )

Ivor!
You keep teaching me new stuff! I can't believe how small I am...
Well in order to grow up we have to learn, in order to learn we have to ask...
And as it seems I am asking the right person and I am glad to have you helping me.

( Posted by: Sami93 [Member] On: November 30, 2010 )

Keeping it tight!
Hi Sammi...you asked me for my comments on this, and here they are...for what it's worth!

In addition to Ivor's excellent comments, here are my suggestions for tweaking this. Brevity of language is king in poetry...like wearing jewlery...less is more. Try to keep it tight and concise.

First of all I would change the title to: A New Day...you are moving forward, not back.

Line #19 - eliminate "save lives" leaving the rest.

Line #21 - delete entire line
Line #22 - eliminate "so"
Line #28 - eliminate "not hate like what I do
Line #29 & 30 - eliminate both lines entirely
(They are self serving!)
Line #30 - eliminate "because"

This will tighten up make a more cohesive presentation. "Because and So" are to be used sparingly at the start of sentences.

I myself am guilty of making these same mistakes from time to time in my haste to have a finished product when I'm facing a deadline...you are in good company here...we learn from each other.
These are only MY personal prefernces...I don't want to tread on your own creativity...but as I said...breavity in word usage...along with strong descriptive passages, are what we strive for!

Keep up the work!

Bea

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: December 1, 2010 )

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