Anthem Of A Broken Heart
by Sami93 (Member) - published: November 12, 2010
Word Count: 1033 Word Bytes: 5877 Viewed: 332 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by Sami93

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Searching for acceptance is a long road
Searching for approval is a long shot
Why is it hard to be accepted?
Should I be perfect?
Should I be supper man?
Should I be prince charming?
Can't I be who I am?
Can't I be who I want to FUCKING be?!
I want to be ME!
I want to be ACCEPTED to who I really am!
I'm tired of lying
I'm tired of hiding
I'm tired of aiming for perfectness
I'm tired of searching
Searching to be ACCEPTED
Accepted by everyone, everybody
I'm tired of giving more than taking!
I'm tired of being the perfect friend, son, brother
I'm FUCKINGLY tired of trying to be who people want me to be!
My parents don't know who I really am!
I was never enough!
Even if I try my best to please them
As if they are perfect!
As if I AM!
I'm just a piece of shit walking on two legs!
I'm tired of trying to be the perfect, kind son!
They think they support me, but they are destroying me!
I can't talk to them, they'll think I'm crazy!
Well maybe I am!
FUCK my friends!
Some of them think I'm awesome!
Some say I'm perfect! Well guess WHAT?!
I am SHIT! I hate the earth I walk on!
I hate who I am! Who I've become!
I'm my little cousin's idol
Who the hell wishes to be like me?!
A fucking looser!
A LOOSER who knows not what love is!
A LOOSER that's looking for acceptance!
And when that looser gains it, he does not believe he did
That looser has lost faith
Faith in himself, people, and eventually in God
What the FUCK! The looser says...
What have I more to give to this pathetic world?
What have I still got to give?
Should I give up my soul so everyone would respect me?
I would do even more than that!
I'll even let someone else take my place and go to heaven instead of me
And I’ll go to hell, just to make that person happy
Just please God! You merciful God!
The great God! The strong God!
Why the Fuck are you doing this to me?!
It's like you wrote on my book that I'm not meant to be happy
What the hell do you want me to do?!
I give more than I FUCKING take!
I am depressed just to make people happy and satisfied!
I persecute my soul to save another's
I give my heart so it gets thrown away
What the FUCK should I do?!
What do you ask more from me?!
I’ll do anything you order me to do!
I pray, I fast, I do everything you ask for!!
Don't I have the right stuff?
Don't I have the right reasons to be happy?
Or are you just enjoying yourself sabotaging me?
I don't know till when I can last
I don't know till when I will lose hope in you, in me...
I don't want to lose faith in you
I want to trust you
You trust me with the soul and body you gave me
But I just need a stupid HINT!
I want a reason to keep on going
To keep on trying!
I want to try! I want to try to be perfect
I want to try to be loved, accepted from the people I love
Or just tell me if I'm asking for a lot
If I'm being greedy
I ask you humbly, on my knees
I ask you with my hands raised up to the sky, with my eyes full with tears
With my heart full with sadness, but yet full with hope
You are my God, you protect me
You gave me a heart, you save me
And I am grateful, I'm humble to your service
But just help me this time, I beg you with my heart!
Or just let me die!
It would just comfort me knowing that I'll be back...
Back into your arms
I don't care what you'll do to me
I don't care if you'll send me to hell
I'll tell the demons there how much I love you
How grateful I am to have you as my God
But I just want HELP! A SIGN!
I just want to make a difference!
But everything I do seems wrong...
It's like I keep falling in the same hole every single time
But I can't see my hole, I can't find it!
I don't know what's wrong! Is it ME?!
It's like I'm tied! Tied with a greater force...
Something stronger than me, something that is making me weak
Something that is trying to weaken my love to you
But I promise you with my life!
I am fighting, and I will never lose hope!
I will keep on fighting, I will keep on waiting...
Waiting for redemption
Redemption to free my soul
I will keep on fighting till my last breath and after
Till the end of humanity
Till you close the world, and open the judgment day
And when that day comes and you send me to hell
I will be happy, because I know that I am closer to you than ever before
I will tell everybody in hell how much you gave me
And how little I gave you
All my life I looked for acceptance
Acceptance from everybody, from everywhere
No matter whom the person is, no matter where I am
But what I am mostly looking for is your acceptance
I want you to accept me is a man of honor
As a good slave, because I am your slave
But this slave is asking for twilight, for a way
A way to redemption
And this slave will NOT give up
I shall be your strongest slave
I will TRY to be your perfect slave
I may be asking for a lot
But I only ask for a way and nothing else
A way to find love, to find hope, to find acceptance and appreciation
And I will fight to find my way
To find my destiny, my road, my path that I shall tread on
Forever.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Anthem Of A Broken Heart"
by Sami93

We love ya Sammi!
Wow Sammi...this was stunning!

I don't know how old you are, but I suspect you are a teen-ager, or young man looking to find his way.

Somewhere along your childhood, you were not praised/affirmed enough for your sensitive make-up, or were constantly compared with other siblings/friends etc. Sometimes this is due to overhwhelmed parents, teachers or contemporaries.

God truly is a loving and forgiving God...but YOU must do YOUR part in shaping your life!
If you feel that your parents are witholding love/acceptance from you...TALK to them or show them this poem...I assure you, they probably have no clue as to how you feel...they are just as bewildred as you are as to what is going on in your mind...which by the way...they can't read unless you Calmly and lovinly sit down and explain how you feel.

I suspect that the people who DO admire and look up to you...have good reson to do so! There is no reason for you to go on feeling this way. Teen age hormones wildly fluctuate at this stage and they are probably going through the same things you are, but not quite so pronounced!

I would suggest you speak to a trusted teacher or clergyman, if you can't talk to your parents. I'm sure they would recommend you see a therapist to help you deal with your insecurities...sooner rather than later...as these feelings will only tend to get worse as time goes on.

You wil be amazed to know that the very people YOU look up to...have or are going through the same feelings. We ALL need and want love and respect...it is inherent in our nature...you are not alone in feeling this way.

God loves you just as you are...and so should YOU do likewise. YOU know who you are inside...just as good and loving as the rest of us...but in your case...I suspect...even better!

God loves ya...and so do I!

Bea (Grandma Bea)

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: November 12, 2010 )

Love you toooo
Thank you a lot, and yeah i thought that i need to see a therapist, but don't worry i'm strong enough to face it alone... i mean i got myself out of 3 years depression.
I am kind of different from other teenagers, i don't think like the rest, well anyways, thank you a LOT i will take every single word into consideration :D

( Posted by: Sami93 [Member] On: November 13, 2010 )

Anthem of a Healed Heart...

Hello, This is poignantly strong and you are very "special"....You care for others and are disappointed because they do not give one tenth of what you give...

Let me just say (here and now) that you are one of "God's Soldiers"...and you can be proud that you care so much and "admit" that when you go above and beyond the call of duty that it makes you feel "so good" inside!

Just do not let people run over you because they will, almost every time. And it's those who do not fall in the "almost" category who are your "true friends".

At Lit.Org we are holding your hand. We are there, always! And when you allow depression to overtake God's Soldier well YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON THE WRONG TRACK! You certainly have made me happy this morning because I see God's Soldier ...and that does not happen every day so I feel blessed! Thank You...Please keep your wonderful ways and smile...We Love You! We think you're perfect!...and we don't even care if you feel disdain because we are gushing over you. There are few like you so I will gush as much as I like, whether you like it or not! So Thanks for making it a wonderful Wednesday!

( Posted by: JetfireK [Member] On: November 17, 2010 )

heh thanks alot
you know what you said really got into me, thank you a lot....
let me know if i can help you in anything, ok?

( Posted by: Sami93 [Member] On: November 17, 2010 )

our worlds
I read slow and have to be careful, and have read this twice, most parts of it, and I have already told you about your gift. I tell you again you have the gift.

I have never, to my memory which is not much of a memory, seen anyone write such a lengthy piece saying basically one simple thing in so many lines and never repeat yourself or that particular thought twice. It is incredible.

I would dearly love to have a small piece of your talent to put with my own, I want to see Ivor weigh in on this, and Ken, I lived with some Muslims in Missouri who were from Syria and Lebanon, years ago. they are in Nashville now and some of them are in Paris, France I think. Their writing has some of the quality you have, just not nearly as good, and so I must wonder if this is not part of a world we do not know too much of here in the USA?

This is great, and I promise I will read, I will study this in great detail because I want to get all I can out of it, sounds like this person is a lot like I was at that age, and that was in Kansas, not Syria.

Good luck and keep goin,

( Posted by: VeeBdosa [Member] On: November 17, 2010 )

Nobody's Perfect!
Sami,

I recently wrote a piece trying to explain the responsibilities of a poet. Or that is how it read, in reality it was about personal responsibility in everything we do. Not measured by others, not directed by others but certainly by our own standards and taking account of others feelings.

Unfortunately others, like ourselves, are not perfect and can get it wrong most of the time!

Worth pondering on if you are to look at where you are in your writings and life at the moment.

Your writing is powerful and as can be seen from the responses so far has stirred memories and emotions in people of treading the same ground. This is the sign of an excellent writer but that is not the thing that is important about this at the moment.

I live my life with only one rule, I am not deeply religous so some would disagree as my religion is 'personal responsibilty'. I do not now give a damn if people think I am right, wrong or otherwise as long as I know I make every decision based on my personal moral standards.

It has taken me some 60 years plus to find this piece of mind and a very rough journey. Your statement in your poetry:

"And I will fight to find my way
To find my destiny, my road, my path that I shall tread on"

...shows that you have already realised this some many years before the penny dropped for me. However the 'forever' will never be correct!

Life changes, pathways change despite the fact we ALWAYS feel we are stuck where we are now. In my personal life and work life I have always been a 'change maker' the unfortunate thing is human mindset resists change even when it is for the better so it is VERY hard for people to accept in any form.

Parents cannot accept the changes in their children as they mature.

Children cannot accept their own changes as they mature and tend to think it is everybody else who has turned against them.

Nobody gets it right and with such powerful instincts at work it is not surprising that things go wrong. It is also very difficult to understand that today and yesterday are not going to be tomorrow.

Secret is to accept that others are not perfect and they make mistakes and hope we can forgive them their's as we would hope them to forgive us.

I too have had to deal with deep depression where I felt that life was not worth living. Luckily I was able to rationalise and treat myself and my emotions to an 'outside' personal examination by myself. I soon learned to recognise depression and although it still washed over me constantly the 'logical' bit of my brain helped me survive.

Your poetry indicates where you are at now, you will not be there in the future and you may possibly find that those who you feel think you are the problem actually do not, and it is only the mistakes they make in dealing with the situation that is giving that impression.

Worse thing is that you tend to be saying that YOU feel that you are the problem. This I can assure you is not the case.

As you say in your writings you are simply having a rough time finding the pathway that is right for you. It is worth remembering that nobody can like or love others properly until they like themselves.

It is up to you to decide if you like yourself and this can only be by analysing your own actions and not by the feedback from other people. At ther moment I feel you are taking too much notice of critisism and actually believing it!

Do the right things by your standards and damn anybody who doesn't like it. Let he who is perfect throw the first stone and NOBODY is perfect.

On a final note, don't give up writing as I am sure given a little time we will see some differences in the the 'pictures' you are painting for us......

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: November 17, 2010 )

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