Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
10

(6 votes)


RatingRated by
10JetfireK
10jonpenny
10pablowilliams
10Sami93
10trynfinity
10vance9

You must login to vote

Haloed beauty, she dazzled me
My eyes not daring to look away
Like crashing waves from the sea
Whispered promises in her wake

“Come to me,” she sang so sweet
A siren’s song to lure astray
The tune did tug my dragging feet
And stole my will to break away

My girls are home and waiting
While I’m away with my new love
Their image in my mind is fading
My time with them is not enough

The disguise I wear in her embrace
Is harder to take off with every day
The mask is clinging to my face
Molding my flesh like so much clay

Split now, two selves I see inside
One jaded and spent to the last
Another passive, willing to abide
Both hiding inside the mirrors cast

Would that I could go back and chance
To undo this thing that I have done
To say no to her seductress dance
To not fall prey, to turn and run

But my mistress hails and I must go
My other life is now my calling
Strung out and tired I hate her so
A black hole into which I’m falling

What can I say to stay her hand
What can cure me of her cancer
“March,” she says, “across the sand.”
I cannot give but one right answer

Boots are tight and gear is strapped
I step into line to walk the route
The Army called, my life is mapped
Locked and loaded and moving out


------
'But I don't want to go among mad people,' said Alice. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.'
Lewis Carroll



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Mistress"
by HeRoCoMpLeX

Dude
I'm printing this out; I have to show this to someone- I don't know who yet, but I gotta!

( Posted by: pablowilliams [Member] On: October 22, 2010 )

I hope this isn't true!
Quite a story in a poem! I enjoyed its build up and climax and unfortunate turn of events.

If it is true, i say be true to YOURSELF, and try to harm as few people as possible in doing this. Best of luck!

( Posted by: IcicleIcicle [Member] On: October 22, 2010 )

Sonnitified?
Dave,

Liked the theme and most of the rhyme, seems to be trying to follow an ABAB rhyming patern except that first firse which I will come back to.

I almost wish I could talk to Vee Bdosa about this one as there is something in the stle that would make me want to completly revamp it in sonnet fashion and I am certainly not the expert on that!

I do feel though that in rhyme you have a leaning in this direction and i would strongly advise you to look at Vee Bdosa's work to see if it sits easy with you. (He says its easy 10 sylables or something of that nature!)

I'll let the last verse go if route is pronounced 'rowt' by you and not 'root' as I pronounce it!

But no such excuses can I see for the first verse:

"Haloed beauty, she dazzled me
My eyes not daring to look away
Like crashing waves from the sea
Whispered promises in her wake"

ABAB would have 'away' rhyming with 'wake', am I missing something here?
Also I find that the mix of crashing waves and whispered promises are too extreme ends of the scale to accept!

possibly:

"Haloed beauty, she dazzled me
For her now, others must I forsake
Like braking waves washed by the sea
with promises flowing in her wake"

Or something similiar to lead into the situation.


Others (depending on pronunciation:

My girls are left at home and waiting
(extra sylable and more piognant)

This mask is clinging to my face
(ties in with previous 'disguise')

For luring me to where I'm falling
(origian lines very disconected)

I step in line to walk the route
(step into line is too literal)

Now loaded, locked and moving out
(Too many 'ands' - jars)


Well hope this isn't too critical, I do actually like the piece but I feel the 'poetry' was in the meanings and these need a few subtle changeds to make it flow in the same way as your freestyle poetry.

Now I'll get back to trying to write sonnets, somebody said they were easy!

Have fun,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: October 22, 2010 )

You bet it is....very...
Chilling and perfect...wow

( Posted by: JetfireK [Member] On: October 23, 2010 )

mistress
I love the first 2 verses, and the word "haloed" I also love. I have used haloed in several of my early Monsieur L'Vampyre poetry.
For me, this is a vary complicatted poem, I amfinding difficuly reading past 2nd verse, but have to leave now and will get back to it later.

( Posted by: VeeBdosa [Member] On: October 23, 2010 )

2 poems?
I dunno, I am having problems connecting thed 1st two verses with the rest of the poem. For me it is difficult to read, which is not unusual, and they are 2 different moods, 2 different matters and 2 different poems. But the writing is good, I really like the 1st 2 verses a lot.

( Posted by: VeeBdosa [Member] On: October 23, 2010 )

Mistress
Loved it!

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: October 25, 2010 )

1 plus 1 equals....duuuhhhhmmmmm
Well one of my WOMAN FRIENDS here, (I won't say who she might get the big head LOL) pointed out to me that I had missed what this poem is all about. I humbly admit to this.
Now it makes the whole more readable to me, and I am totally in shock that I missed him being a soldier, and I MISSED THE LOADED AND LOCKED and I've lived around the Army and M-16s most of my adult life. Sorry guys, you know what, when they came out with FULL METAL JACKET, I missed that, too, at first.
I kind of missed the wife, who has no part of the poem, if there was a wife, and in the end, I have not seen too many single male parent soldiers, although there must be some. I have not met any personally, and have been part of the Army life for 37 years.
But, there MUST be a wife, right? Right cause the poem is about his MISTRESS. Let's see, 1 plu 1 equals....uhmmmm 3?
Much better poem now that I know how to read it.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: October 25, 2010 )

@Pablo, Ivor, Icicle, Jetfire, Ken, Veebdosa
Oh my! I don't even know where to begin. I've been away at school for a few days and come back to all this. I guess I'll address each one individually as best I can:

Pablo: Thanks my friend, for not only stopping by and reading, but sharing with whomever you decided to share with. I hope they enjoyed it!

Icicle: Have no fear, I am faithful and totally devoted to my wife. The "mistress" spoken of in this piece is the Army. You see, I'm a soldier and I am often called away from my family for months and sometimes even a year at a time. It looks like I'm going to have to go back again next year and that is what inspired this poem. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It is much appreciated!

Ivor: I don't even know where to begin thanking you for such thoughtfull and sage advice. That you took the time to read and offer it at all is an honor. Let me address a few of your points here.

I did indeed pronounce route "rowt" and not "root" so no worries there.

In the first verse, I realize that away and awake don't truely rhymn. This is a trick I picked up in creative writing class back in college. I can't remember the offical term for when you take two words that don't exactly rhymn and kinda force them together, but I do remember there is one. Also, the mix in this verse was not between crashing waves and whispered promises, but between crashing waves and wake. A wake being the draw down of water behind a wave.

Other than that, after re-reading I realize that you are right about my cadence issues and I definitly need take another look at those. You're also right that I am more comfortable with free verse. However, I enjoy the challenge of trying to fit what I want to get across in a poem into a ryhmn scheme of some sort. So I'll certinaly keep practicing. Thank you again, for the honor of commenting, I will definitly be paying special attention to your advice while editing this one.

Jetfire: Thank you for reading and for the obscene rating. Always a pleasure hearing from you!

Ken: As always, I look for your comments the most. I know I've done well when I get such a short one from you. The stupidly high rating is also noted, Thank you!

Veebdosa: As I told Icicle, the mistress is indeed the Army and yes, I do have a wife and daughter. They are the "two girls" who are waiting for me at home. Thank you very much for reading and commenting and thank your lady friend for me as well! ;)

Much Love to you all!

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: October 27, 2010 )

Miss Me?
What can I say but, I started reading and I knew whom the lady that sang her sirens song was from the first minute you described her. Lets see again you paint such a picture with words, I can almost see you in with your duffel at your feet waiting to step onto army transport, not wanting your "girls" there to see you off because of the look in their eyes as you say goodbye, and fighting that ache as the excitement at the same times makes the senses tingle with anticipation.

I'm sorry for absence and my lateness to comment, but I have not strayed forever and here I am again.... seduced by your words.

Still there are a few places where the flow stuck just a little. But that's why I have trouble with following a particular pattern, and end up just letting it rip.

Will be eagerly reading more every chance that I get...
it's like stepping into another world when I read your writes, even if just for a brief second ... and it's great..
Always
Heather

( Posted by: trynfinity [Member] On: November 27, 2010 )

of love and lover for country
David,
Hope this finds you with your family..and smiling.

Enjoyed read..
Salute

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: November 27, 2010 )

great Mistress I missed it
Oh feathers, I should have picked all of that up, I do some of it at the 2nd and 3rd reading, each time it got a little clearer, but I never even suspected the Army as being the actual mistress. Fantastic expiditoin of metaphore ala Edgar Alan Poe.

I could hear a classroom of inquiring, puzzled and amazed young minds discussing the very poem for 45 minutes and wanting more, needing more, demanding more.

You know what, they still have them old Army shuttle busses and even a few "cattle cars" here at Fort Dix/Mcguire AFB the Army busses are Army Brown/green the AFB busses are blue.

Well, I sure missed this poem the fgirst read, but it kept naggaing at me, that is what this kind of poetry is supposeld to do.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: November 28, 2010 )

Wonderful!!
Dave,
I have read and reread this a dozen times.
This poem makes me feel the excitment and anticipation as well as the pain at leaving the girls behind. Can't wait to read the next one!!!

Crystal

( Posted by: vance9 [Member] On: December 1, 2010 )

jeez!
Do you mean to tell me I read a metaphor poem and actually figured it out before I got to the end??? Whoa! I've gotta go pour myself a .. um .. er .. a port! yeah! I figured out a metaphor poem before somebody had to hit me over the head! Yay me .. actually no .. yeah you for writing it clearly enough so this metaphor made it through the layers of logic I've got cluttering up my mind.

( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: February 17, 2011 )

metyfore peticure
Well it took me a spell, too, Pen, I had to read it at least 5 times.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: February 18, 2011 )

@Heather,Bobby,Pen,&Crystal
I have been remiss here on the boards for taking so long to say thank you for your kind comments and wonderful insight. So tall of you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this humble wordslingers offering!

Much Love,

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: March 7, 2011 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: