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A shattered crystal dream
Condensed into a single teardrop
Falling from my eye

Yet inside I weep vigorously
The retention of this pain
Crushing my heart
Making it hard to breath

The folly of misplaced trust
The intention of warmth
The lesson learned to late
The guide of overwhelming loss

Fault lies in the betrayer
Taken as a careless whimsey
I have betrayed your love


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Comments

The following comments are for "Green"
by mason

breathe?
I was interested enough in this poem to read it more than once - hence - niggling things [to me] prompted this comment.

breath seems all wrong where you've used it

As a writer, I always notice word repeats too which [to me] suggests a limited vocabulary. Unless of course the poetry format [like villanelles/triolets/sestinas/etc. etc. etc. require it.

I didn't find vigorously/weep was a good word link .. probably just my reflections on weeping as opposed to the more robust actions of wailing/caterwauling..


( Posted by: Pen [Member] On: October 14, 2010 )

reply
yes I meant breathe!! This one I wrote very quickly...it was a release of a great deal of emotion and regret...a very personal moment of clarity...I knew if I didn't publish this poem in the moment I would refuse to post it as it is very revealing...So my editing was lacking...thanks for the interest.

( Posted by: mason [Member] On: October 16, 2010 )





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