I stare intently on his teeth. They are immaculate. The whitest white, perfect shape, the incisors slightly longer than the front four teeth. They gleam as he speaks. Word after word, his tongue dancing behind his bottom teeth. Saliva glistening in the moonlight.
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“Who was your first kiss?”
“What?” I tear myself from my staring contest with his mouth
“I asked you who was your first kiss?”
“Oh, hm,” I giggle nervously, “Bobby Redding, in fifth grade.” Both of my cheeks flush with embarrassment.
“Oooh, sounds steamy.”
“Oh, it was. However, it was just a peck on the lips.” I mimic the childish kiss on the side of my paper coffee cup. I can feel him staring at me, smiling, when I look away.
“And may I ask who stole your lip virginity?”
“Ah, nice way of putting it, well I think you know already.”
“You’re getting warmer.”
“Your first girlfriend?”
“Behind the science wing staircase?”
“Now, you’re hot”
“Ha ha, I thought you two would be together forever.”
“She got clingy really fast, I could barely even talk to my sister without her getting jealous.” He scratches the back of his neck. I can’t help but admire his shoulder muscles popping out from under the collar of his shirt.
“Blue is a nice color on you,” I blurt out.
“Um, thanks, that was random,” He laughs.
I feel my cell phone vibrating on the wooden table. I look down at it.
“Who is it?” Josh asks me.
“Chris from work,” I stick my tongue out.
“Why the face?”
“He’s just so annoying. We hung out like two times and he just doesn’t get the hint that I don’t like him. Every time he asks me to chill, I tell him I have other plans.”
“Well maybe you should be honest with him and tell him you don’t like him.”
“Oh that’s unnecessary. We are both leaving for college soon, then we will never see each other again.”
“You’re an avoider.”
“No harm done.”
“What’s wrong with good old Kevin?”
“You mean Chris?”
“Well he’s just really clingy. I like guys who are confident and Chris just isn’t.”
“You want a bad boy?”
“I guess I do.” I trace the rim of my coffee cup with my finger, the wax is smooth and slippery.
“Anyway, what happened between you and Ted?”
I blink hard, I hate hearing that name. “Well, we broke up.”
“Well yeah, I got that far. What happened?”
“Let’s just say, he was a shitty boyfriend.”
“In what way?”
“What is this, twenty questions?”
“No, I’m just curious.”
“He broke up with me because he ‘didn’t want anything serious’ and it turns out he was cheating on me the entire time with multiple chicks from work. Does that answer your question?”
“Oh, sorry,” He fiddles with the tea light candle next to the napkin holder.
“No, it’s not.”
“I was such a good girlfriend, Josh.” I shake my head with disgust. I hold my lips tightly together.
“I bet you were.” He stares straight into my eyes, so much so that I feel my heart speed up. I feel anxious and look away. Why is he acting like he likes me? I forget that Josh always does this. Every time we hang out he sends these mixed messages. It’s about time I stop taking them to heart. He is just being nice.
Josh looks down at the table and back up at me. His eyes look so sad. “Did Ted give you butterflies?”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t have dated him if he didn’t.”
“You only date people who give you butterflies?”
“Well, if that nervous excitement isn’t there then I can tell that I don’t like them.”
“Ah, well I’ve only had butterflies two times before.”
“With Cara and Beth?”
“With Beth but not Cara. Cara was more of a friend than a girlfriend.”
“Beth, you loved her.”
“I would’ve done anything for her, that’s what’s really messed up.”
“Because, she gave me that feeling, the butterflies you talk about. She could’ve convinced me to jump off of a bridge. I just wanted to make her happy.”
“Is that why you had sex with her?”
“Do you regret it?”
“What is this? Twenty questions?”
“Shut up, just answer the question.”
“I regret it because I only had sex with her because she wanted to. It wasn’t special, it wasn’t what I wanted.”
“Oh, I don’t really understand, wasn’t it good?”
“Physically, yes. Emotionally, it ruined me.”
“Would you like some midol with your coffee?”
“Shut up, this is the last time I open up to you.”
“Oh, I’m just kidding.” I squeeze his forearm playfully. It is hard as a rock.
“It’s hard to explain.”
“Oh, well I wouldn’t know,” I look away with a smirk.
“So you didn’t give your V card to anyone?”
“You sound bitter about that.”
“Just a little.”
“That’s a good thing to have.”
“I wanted to lose it before college.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“I know, it’s whatever.”
“Are you excited for college?”
“No, I’m scared to death. Are you excited about moving to British Columbia?”
“I’m excited to play hockey, I don’t really want to move to another country. It’s a twenty hour drive.”
We both look away. I feel like the pit in my stomach widens 10 inches.
“It’s getting pretty late, I think were the only ones left in the coffee shop.”
I look around. He is right, we are the only two people in the place. The bartender raises an eyebrow at me. I smile at him as to say that we are leaving.
I walk a couple of feet in front of Josh as we approach my car. I don’t want this night to end. I always feel unsatisfied when we hang out. There are so many things left unsaid. Mostly unsaid by me. He leans against my car. I stand in front of him. I stick my hands in my back pocket. My jeans are pretty tight. I can tell that my butt looks larger than normal. I need to find a way to show him my ass. I decide there is no way to do it in a subtle manner. Josh fiddles with his cell phone. Opening and closing it.
He looks up smiling. He is staring at me. I stare back. He is making me nervous. He won’t break the stare. I feel like he wants to say something, but he remains silent.
“What?” I ask.
“What?” I giggle nervously.
“I’m really bad at this.”
My heart stops. This is it.
“You should come out with me instead of Chris from work.”
This is what I’ve been waiting for since 10th grade.
“I know this is awful timing.”
“Were both leaving in two days.”
“I know, I know.”
I grab his hands and put them on my waist. I lean against my car. I am going weak in the knees. His hands have never been on my waist before. My heart is racing. We are staring at each other.
He smiles, “do I make you nervous?”
Coyly, I reply, “a little.”
I stand up so my breasts are against his chest. I am barely breathing. Our lips are centimeters apart. We both stop smiling. I lunge out and kiss him. I wrap my arms around his neck. He smoothes his hands down my ribs. I feel lightheaded. We are kissing like madmen. I can’t get enough of his lips. I grab onto his hair. His hand is at the top of my butt. I am aware of every touch. He pulls away. We rest our foreheads together. We are both out of breath. He breathes out, “lets slow this down.”
I ignore his direction and rush into another kiss. His doesn’t respond quickly, instead, he slowly, sucks on my bottom lip as he pulls away. I am aware of my coffee breath, but I can’t do anything about it now. His hands rise up, almost to touch my breasts, but he retreats. I pull away and rest my head on his shoulder. He smells my neck. I hold him tightly, as if to keep this moment from ending. I pull away and look into his eyes.
“I can’t believe I just kissed Josh Schickner.” I laugh.
“I’ve had a crush on you since 10th grade.”
“Why did you like me?”
“You paid attention to me.”
He smiles, and tucks my hair behind my ear.
“When did you decide that you like me?” I am curious.
“Last time we hung out I went home and I couldn’t stop smiling.”
“Why are you so nice?”
“I don’t know.”
I break out of my kissing haze and get a harsh reality check.
“We can’t do this.”
“I know,” He sighs.
I hold onto his biceps. “You’re gonna find some nice British Colombian girl and fall in love.”
“I won’t lose sight of you.”
I look down and push the gravel with my feet. I know he can’t keep this promise. How can this moment be so exciting and devastating all at once?
“Well, I don’t want Mama Schickner to get mad, maybe you should be getting home.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
We both are overcome with disappointment. The air is heavy. I hug him and hold on for at least a minute. He kisses me lightly on the lips.
He walks away to his car. I just stand there looking at him. He looks back and smiles. I wave weakly. This is the last time I will ever see him. I get into my car and rest my head on the steering wheel. I start the car and sit in the parking lot for an hour before I drive home alone.