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After thinking and reflecting on all of the comments I'm very happy with it now. I had some help from a very good friend as well as the help from the wonderful authors here at Lit. It started out as just an idea and with everyone helping me it was shaped into a real poem. Without further ado, here is the revised and edited version:

Unseen eyes watch my desperate flight,
Muscles ache but still I run,
the flaming hellhound has my scent,
I cannot stay beyond its sight.

The memories of my mistakes are content to mock me,
horrors haunt my fragile soul with ease,
An evil succubus controls my humiliation with glee,
laughing at my attempts to flee.

A desperate escape I see,
a blue portal that could whisk me away,
The leap was like the one a foolish lover would make,
not unlike the fool I used to be.

I arrive in a barren desert,
and almost forget my troubles in the land I can no longer see,
but somehow the mutt caught my scent again,
and the malicious torture I cannot avert.

In my frightened dash I trip and let out a squeal,
a sword covered in sand, among the bones of the fallen.
I reach for the weapon and I feel it,
the predator quickly moves to devour its meal.

In a panic I bring the blade to bear,
ready to end the planar duel,
its heavy footfalls shake my resolve,
from behind I feel the burning stare.

I twirl around but the blade slices air,
the beast called back to its master.
The evil harpy had given up on revenge,
and relief replaced despair.

The demon exists only in my memory;
the fight had long ago ended.
I thank the corpse for supplying the courage,
and realize with shock, it was me.

I relive a fate that was predefined,
betrayed by my own instincts,
I was killed by a different kind of terror,
the terrors of my mind.


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The following comments are for "Mind Terrors(Revised)"
by HavocTheDemon

Mind terrors
Well done! The tone, cadence, and rhyme of the 2nd stanza being my favorite. I loved the complete story.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: August 3, 2010 )

Thanks for the wonderful comments. I also noticed you mentioned my poem in your column a little while ago. I am truly honored and humbled by your praise. Every time you offer a piece of advice I learn so much.

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: November 3, 2010 )

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