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Unseen eyes watch my every move,
Muscles ache but still I run, pursued by a deadly hellhound.
It knows my scent and hunts for blood,
eager for more time with its prey.

The memories of my fallen self are content to mock me,
each one naming me a fool in a different way.
A succubus controls my humiliation with evil glee,
laughing at my attempts to flee.

I see an escape, a blue portal that can save me.
Terrifying is the darkness that follows and there is nothing I can see.
The leap was like the one a foolish lover would make,
not unlike the fool I used to be.

Standing here in a bizarre world,
I almost forget my troubles in the land I can no longer see.
But then the mut picked up my scent again,
and the malicious toture of the chase begins anew.

In my frightened dash, I find a weapon,
A sword in the desert, among the bones of the fallen.
I feel the darkness closing in,
The predator quickly moving to devour its meal.

In a panic I bring the blade to bear,
ready to end the planar duel.
The hellhound forgets stealth and howls,
its heavy footfalls shake my resolve.

I twirl around and see nothing,
The hound called back to its master.
The evil succubus had long decided I was not a worthy plaything.
Alone again I lower my gaurd.

The she-demon now only existed in my memory,
the fight had long ago been decided.
I look back at the corpse to thank the comrade for the sword,
and realize with shock, the body was mine.

A ghost is what had become of me,
I was only reliving the final climax of my life.
The battle was already lost and the women had forgotten me.
I died in the sands, running away from the fiery hells.
I was killed by a different kind of horror, the terrors of my mind.

There, now that I got the raw material out of my head, help would be appreaciated. Any general or specific suggestions would be great! I really didn't have a rule or pattern with cadence or rhyming so help a fellow writer out :)


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The following comments are for "Mind Terrors"
by HavocTheDemon

This is a tough form - lyric poetry has to tell a story - beginning - middle - and end. This one was pretty darn good. I really enjoyed it. Had the feel of a sword and fantasy piece - the end snapped me back - unexpected. Nice!

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: July 8, 2010 )

It means alot that you enjoyed it. This is just a product of my mind when I couldn't sleep and something made me want to write about mind terrors. I realized the fantasy part when I was started and embraced it.

Do you have any suggestions on how to meld and shape this and create something truly good? I'm all ears!

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: July 8, 2010 )

well done
Great poem! I could really sense the fear and apprehension. Strong all the way through.

Just a couple of typos: torture, guard and should women in the last stanza be woman?

The rhythm didn't really bother me. One trick is to read it aloud to see where the emphasis is and if any rewording needs to be done.

( Posted by: sandra [Member] On: July 9, 2010 )

Ah! I do see the typos now. Easily fixed though! Don't we have a resident poetry expert here? Or maybe I'm not good enough to warrant his or her attention lol!

Anyways, glade you like it Sandra. I'm off to read your storys now. Its been too long in coming! I did post one more Twilight Shadows and just typed one more piece up. It's exciting, just a tiny taste of what Revan can do :)

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: July 9, 2010 )

mind terrors
i "feel" this one...i'm not a professional poet, but unless a poem/prose creates a sense of place/emotion, it'll never work...this one has that

( Posted by: cmsmuse [Member] On: July 10, 2010 )

mind terrors
Okay! I didn't get back because I wanted to think about this a bit and not be offhanded. In truth there is nothing,aside from typos ;), with the poem. All I can do is add some ideas if you want to rewrite or take a different bent.
here it is:
1. I like the sword and fantasy aspect - so you could look at the whole poem and elevate the language a bit - appropriate to the form. ie: terrible/loathsome troubles/woes hellhound/hell beast/fiend/black cadejo/Cerberus just look for a way to lift the language and say the same thing differently in different stanzas - it will add color and interest.
2. Lyrical poetry, traditionally would be sung or recited in singsong manner - will often have a beat pattern that is more or less consistant:
da da dadada dada da
dadada da da dadada da
da da dadada dada da
dadada dada da da da

3.What worked for me was the story. The reader can connect and the ending was icing on the cake.

4.A thought on content: If it is to be a sword and fantasy thing. Start the guy out as weak and running- scared to death. Then have him gain strength when the sword shows up. Even beating the hell hound, but gaining nothing but having to continuously fight hellhounds. The ending then would gain pathos as well as surprise.

You have an incredible imagination and get it down well on the page. I read that you just write on the cuff - cool! But a little journeyman work to perfect is worthy as well. What you do when you wing it is impressive - a little more work and rethink and you would be sensational.

Just a vagabond poets opinion. I hope it helps.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: July 10, 2010 )

We are our very own worst critics, and in the end it is our own feeling about what we have written that matters. Critics come and go, and my method of selecting a movie to go to, when I went to movies, was to pick the one critics hated. I always enjoyed them, always.
Some probably could recall many otherwise great Broadway Productions that never went anywhere because of critics, it might even have driven some writers to the brink of suicide.
I got caught up in this story very easily, and I think if you mess with it too much the whole thing could be a ghost in the desert, alone, forgotten, and dying in great thirst.

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: July 11, 2010 )

You guys are great
Thank you guys for the wonderful thoughts!

@Jonpenny, I'm going to workshop this one, you had some really good ideas and reinforced what I thought. Usually for me the important thing is getting the material down and then molding it. Sort of like globbing paint on a wall and then smoothing it out. Your a great write and I value your opinion, it means alot that you liked such a messy first draft!

@Veebdosa, Thanks! I hope I can make this into something. I don't believe you've ever commented on my work before, glad to have another friend on here. I'll repay the favor I promise! This does need some work but I'm glad you saw the potential in my ramblings. Nice to meet you :)

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: July 11, 2010 )

I'm sorry I overlooked your comment! Forgive me lol, I'm not very bright sometimes. I enjoy your writing so its good to see you do the same. Really happy everyone enjoyed it somewhat. I'm here to please...and well, to write :)

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: July 11, 2010 )

I got to hand it to you Havoc you know how to tell a tale of death unrealized. Then realized at last. Wasn't sure what to expect when I said I'd stop in and read a few but I"M IMPRESSED!

( Posted by: trynfinity [Member] On: July 31, 2010 )

Thanks! I would love for you to see the revised version. This one was just the raw idea that melted out of my head and onto the keyboard lol.

( Posted by: HavocTheDemon [Member] On: July 31, 2010 )

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