I'm beginning this note with only one thing in mind and seeing where that takes me. What's that thing? It's love. I'm not quite sure what aspect of love I want to explore herein. I think I'll just go wild.
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What lies in an expression of love to someone who can't return the feeling? Is there a point to such a thing? Realize how much goes into those words, all the emotions, all the risks, all the hopes. Now watch as they crash into a brick wall. Was it worth it? If so, to whom? To the receiver who may get a slight boost to their own self esteem? What of the poor soul who sent out a piece of their very being, their own heart? Maybe some people don't quite understand but if you end up in this situation in which you hit the wall, you will never get that piece of yourself back. Sure, one day you might develop a new part for a new person but that other piece you built up so high for one person, you gave it away. They claimed it and ran off with it, leaving you with a little less. A part of you is gone never to be returned. In love, one person's gain is another's loss.
Having been an outsider to love for almost 24 years now, I've allowed so many pieces of myself go over the years. Now the older and lonelier I get, the easier it is for pieces to fall of. The parts that replace what I've lost are also becoming less in their quality. They reek of desperation, selfishness, ugliness...No one accepts these pieces because they sense these facts under the surface. They have the option to receive much kinder, intelligent, beautiful pieces from the souls of others so why should they settle for less? Why should they settle for a piece from the boy whose heart aches at the sight of another's love, who averts his eyes from kisses and loving embraces, the boy who cries out of sheer envy for what others have...My tainted piece aren't wanted. I only have bottom of the barrel love in a barrel no one even looks in anymore.
But I don't know, maybe this is all a good thing. At least for others it might be even if not for me. Attempting to send my love out in the hopes that someone will accept it and return the feeling, I tend to be perceived as a great friend in return. So even if I'm unable to be loved romantically, is there merit in the fact that I can be a great friend? I can make others smile, laugh, feel great about themselves. They in turn take these feelings on to enrich their own lives and pass it on to those they have chosen to love. So even though love turns a blind eye to me time and time again, I can still provide a great service to other people. It may not make me happy, it may even make me furious at times but it's one of the few things I have the ability to do so why not embrace it? Lose myself so that others can gain from it...
I don't know where my life is going in the slightest. I don't know how to react and interact with the people around. I often feel used and unappreciated. People will convince me they don't mean it in such a way, but I can't help but feel I've put myself in a permanent servile role in the lives of everyone around me. Am I here to make you feel better when others fail? Am I here to do the hard work others are too lazy to? Am I here just as a temporary substitute to who you really want to be around? Who's words can I trust on such a matter? Probably no one's. I have to come to my own conclusions and live with the consequences.
So I'm laying here on my bed, thinking of the people I love and those I have loved in the past...just wondering what I've been wasting my time on this whole time. Not once has the feeling been returned so imagine all the energy I've wasted on this. All the stress, failures, depression, tears, scars, none of it had to happen and none of it has to ever happen again if I learn from my mistake, the mistake of trying and hoping.
There are some things people can just know. For me, one of those things is that a mutual love experience is beyond me. It's something I've wasted so much energy on so far with nothing to show for it. So what should I do about this? Erase the idea of ever finding love in life. Replace it with something more tangible, possibly achievable given the right circumstances. Where love isn't possible, sex is. Where loving embraces are hard to find, simply sharing a bed is a feasible task. When meaningful kisses wont happen, perhaps exciting physical contact just might. So what I'm trying to say is when the loving mind fails, seek out and be satisfied by simpler pleasures. For some of us that may be all we can achieve. Don't look down on me for it. Don't fill my mind with a fantasy you yourself have the ability to fulfill, but wont.
Allow me to chase the dreams I can catch. Don't point me towards the stars in the night sky and then tell me to start jumping...
A kind word that is honest and heartfelt can go a long way...