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They are veiled faces unfolding

As they exchange muted voices

Hiding under stiff-looking masks

Eyes down-cast

Creating wrinkled shadows

I noticed they are properly unidentifiable

I see their hunger

While they incessantly wait

To taste those make-believe dreams

They amuse me with their

Haunched musings on sugary dusks

Why?

Fluted tongues have been sewed tight

Yet swallowing dulled words

Buried awkwardly and stiff

They have perfected the sound of sighs

On their hollowed throats

Released sporadically

Aching to nibble

Our white stars

Bribing them

Of the sweet caresses

For a moment they

Stop thinking of

Doom and rage

Rage and doom

Lavishly oozing

Booming

From their menís

Terrible hearts



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Comments

The following comments are for "DESERT MOONS"
by weepingwillow

Aching to nibble
Poem is chock full of great lines. It has a romantic olde world feel.

I like it as is but must admit to mentally deleting some words as I read. Less is more is something I learned from one of lit's great voices, Bobby7L.

( Posted by: toscano [Member] On: May 19, 2010 )

I concur
With the comment above. You have lots of good images and turns of phrase here, but I believe that the eliminating unnecessary words and some of the repetition would greatly enhance this piece.

It wasn't a lesson I learned easily, given my penchant for verbosity. But it was a lesson that once learned made me a much better poet.

Just my two cents,

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: March 3, 2011 )





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