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David Berkowitz, aka the Son of Sam, is a dear personal friend. Recently being paroled from Attica Correctional Facility in New York State, fashion trends have changed drastically since Mr. Berkowitz's murderous rampage in the summer of 1977. Wanting to attend an extravagant ball thrown by the royal Hilton family, David was nervous about choosing what he could wear that would express his audacious, yet courageous love for Paris. To impress Paris the need to choose clothing to accentuate David's murderous good required professional help. Upon being informed of David's fashion crisis, haberdashery extraordinaire, and an employee of Banana Republic Jonathon Schexneider was contacted for advice. It will come as no surprise that the suit that Jonathon had chosen for David was designed by Banana Republic.

To make David look like a real .44 magnum lady killer, Jonathan recommended that all accessories, not only the suit, should be bought from and fashioned by Banana Republic. The sky is blue and when a mood begins to elevate from the blackest, inkiest depths beneath the oceans of Hades you are feeling better and that mood is blue. How better to show that the Son of Sam belongs in the sky with the angels and that his mood is good than wearing a baby blue French cuffed button down collared shirt. The atmospherically inspired 97% cotton and 3% Lycra spandex dress shirt maintains the same comfort and weightlessness as a celestial sphere and is nonsensically priced at only $59.50. To brighten up the heavens that David will be wearing across his chest it is nice to see early stars appear in the form of sterling silver cufflinks. Banana Republic sells those stars that come out before the sun deserts the earth for the ridiculously low price of $34.00.

As the Earth compliments the heavens, David's charcoal pants will generously emphasize his well developed buttocks, thighs, and calves. The slacks outer portion is composed of 100% wool, while an indispensable inner lining of 100% acetate eliminates the itchy effect of wool. This trouser will put the "leg" back in elegance and finally answers the age old conundrum of why God invented legs. David can strut like a god with the clouds of Mount Olympus wrapped around his legs for the preposterously economical single payment of $148.00. Atlas can not match the support given by Banana Republic's solid black patent leather belt, styled with a space-glossed silver buckle sold for the bargain-basement price of $65.00 at a Banana Republic near you.

To match the clouds beneath David's uninspiring waistline, Berkowitz will be wearing a versatile charcoal triple button jacket. Being comprised of the same exquisite fabrics as the pants, no nerve will go unsatisfied. This suit is truly a hedonist's most prized possession. The jackets hue is reminiscent of smoke emanating from voodoo rituals burning deep in Louisiana's swamps. You don't have to be Marie Laveau to appreciate this maddening magic; you can afford this jacket for the unbearably dirt-cheap price of $325.00. If an insufficient amount of southern belles are panting at David's feet with this spellbinding suit alone, then he can jazz it up N'awlins-style with a bruising black and blue striped 89% silk and 11% cotton tie sold at the catchpenny price of $59.50.

David will be flying like Icarus in his black, parapsychological Kenneth Cole Wing N It shoes and the Son of Sam will have to watch out for that sun while soaring above the clouds. David's classy shoes have a tailored monk strap with a handsome wing tip design. Combining leather upper and lining with a generous addition of a leather sole are further evidence that these are the shoes that Jesus was wearing when he walked across water at the Sea of Galilee. And who better to walk in the shoes of Jesus Christ than the Son of Sam? The real miracle is you can own these holy relics for the ungodly low price of $298.95 at Dillard's, located within the same corridor of the mall as Banana Republic. In the after math of the bomb of fashion fused with religion that was just dropped on you, these devilish shoes have a padded foot bed for comfort, not that David will need it since he's wearing Banana Republic's own solid black 78% cotton and 22% nylon dress socks! These comfortable stockings are also incredibly durable and could have very well saved Achilles from the poison arrow if he were wearing them when shot in the heel by Paris. Even more deadly than the fatal arrow is the attitude of the spoiled rotten, snotty, and callously self-righteous attitude of the very few privileged rich and David can protect his heels from the scathing, judgmental sight of the Hilton dynasty for the unreasonably pathetic amount of $8.50.

"I love fine detail," Jonathan Shexneider exclaimed with flamboyance. "The more accessories the better David will look!" Taking Berkowitz's psychopathic, cold-blooded stare and blending his outfit with shiny ornaments gives a cold steely exterior like that of an autopsy table. Watches, rings, and whatever other garnishing and frills can be used to bring out the thrills that are sure to creep up like frost from the base of Paris' spine when David gets her alone. Gold brings flashiness to its wit's end and it clashes with most items so all of David's polished adornments must be silver (Shexneider). What brand and style of watch and other embellishments David will wear is not important as long as it is expensive and known to be so due to the designer.

"Three buttons, two buttons, one button," Jonathon stated his rule on when to button which coats with however many buttons. "Sometimes, always, never." With three buttons, David will unbutton his bottom button to sit at the table. This is the only rule of etiquette that David needs to know about the suit while wearing it. If Mr. Berkowitz can mind his manners like a proper gentleman and not take orders demanding that he blow the brains from the skulls of lovers assassination style from Paris's dog, Tinkerbelle, then he is sure to make a splash at the Hilton's ball. If the Son of Sam can pull off being a dashing, refined gentleman and becomes a big hit with Paris, the world might be lucky enough to never have to hear about the spoiled blonde brat again.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Superficial Fashion Exposť "
by BAAL

Fashion
I'm wondering if there is, in fact, any truth to this story or is it just a shot at the fashion industry. Either, it was a charming and very funny look at the world of fashion and commercialism. Kudos!

Much Love,

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: April 19, 2010 )





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