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Pain I Can Feel

Authors Note: Yes gentle readers, the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I realize this is my first posting in quite some time, but look out! Iím back, and I have dropped a bomb. In the coming days look for a new edition of the ďThunder RoadĒ and the prologue to my novel ďDreamScapesĒ. Also keep your eyes open for a new poem or two from me. I canít wait to read all of the critiques and comments.

My first love was sweet and it was pure,
I thought it would last forever
I thought I was so sure
She left me speechless
All I could do was stare
Hurt like that is fast and itís rare

Thatís pain I can feel,
It lets me know itís real.
Only true love can hurt you like that
Oh yes, thatís pain I can feel

Now the love of my life
Is a blue-eyed little girl
Her innocent laughter
Itís my whole world
She says ďDaddy,Ē in a voice so sweet
This time Iím gonna kiss you on the cheek

Thatís pain I can feel
It lets me know itís real
Only true love can hurt you like that
Oh yes, thatís pain I can feel

Now thereís a boy
And he wants to take her away
Iím thinking sheís just a baby
And that there's no way.
I look into her eyes
All I can do is stare
Hurt like that is fast and itís rare

Thatís a pain I can feel
It lets me know itís real
Only true love can hurt you like that
Oh yes, thatís pain I can feel

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' said Alice. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.'
Lewis Carroll

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The following comments are for "Pain I Can Feel (Songwriters Challenge)"
by HeRoCoMpLeX

Hero's song challenge
Hi Dave...welcome back...Merry Christmas.

As for the song...I love the sentiment...that IS a pain you can feel when the babies grow up and start that journey to adulthood!

Love the song overall...but (again I know NOTHING about songwriting) the first line seems to have extra syllables than the rest of it...from a merely poem structure point of view. Suggestion:

"My first love was sweet and pure"...or something similar. Also the second stanza last line...same thing and so on. But then I don't know what your melody called for. In any event...I really enjoyed it! Again, I loved the sentiment. When is the baby due?


( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: December 18, 2009 )

Hey Dave/Challenge
Good song! I do agree with Bea the syllable count per line was a problem - If you push words it works and sometimes that is style. I'm glad your doing well and I look forward to your work.
Bless you

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: December 19, 2009 )

Thanking 2
Aunt Bea: The baby is due in Feb. We are really excited. Thank you for the kind words. You're right about the extra syllables, but it works with the melody. I have to admit that it is a bit strained but it fits. I couldn't find a way to shorten it and still get across what I wanted. While singing it in the mirror, as long as I just keep on singing, you don't notice. LOL, thank you for pointing it out for me though. Happy Holiday's to you and your's!

Ken: As always, kind words from you are truly and honor. I'm just glad the inspiration struck and I could weigh in on this months Song Challenge. I'm doing extremely well. I'm working on a rant about my life as a Christian right now. I can't wait to finish it and see what everyone thinks so be looking for that in the coming week! I hope you're having a Merry Christmas and that you have a wonderful New Year!

Much Love,


( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: December 25, 2009 )

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