Not a rant so much.
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I'm finished here. I think.
Not a bone in my body hates you anymore. I don't feel the desire to smite you and yours. DESPITE what you all did to me. I'm... ok.
And for once being ok IS okay with me.
I've never been one to tread water. Whether it be with or against the tides, I've always been moving. While, of course, I'm doing anything BUT treading at the moment. Spiritually, emotionally, I'm okay. I'm treading.
I spoke with a woman that has a mind today.
I asked her out, hesitantly. Because it would be the first time I've asked anyone out since I asked Jennifer Scola at aged 13 for Spaceballs and pizza afterwards! Imagine that! Two marriages, four kids, and never asked a one out. Insane right? They always came to me.
Well. This is symbolic to me. I see signs everwhere, and for those with eyes, truth pierces the veil. They came into my life because I needed them. Rather, what they had for me. One came to lift me up, and destroyed me for life. The next came, and fostered me, and destroyed my soul. Like the phoenix I rise though. NOW, knowing what I know of them, their insecurities, what makes them tick... I can choose to join one in Love. Or not.
It's that simple now. My fear is that my hesitancy in Love would signal defeat to my proposed lover. My encouragment is that she'd recognize the greatness that lies within, and be willing to fight me for me. I'm formidable though.
And she said "Yes!" No shit! I was so excited at the prospect that I forgot the rest of asking someone out. I didn't square away concrete plans, just that she'd go. So, I'm a self-admitted novice at this thing. Because it's always come that easy. All I have ever had to do is sit there. I know why they came. The cage is pleasant to their eye. Which makes me hate them. The speed with which they desired to have me doubles that hatred. There is much more to me than this body, this face!!!
There is a mind within that seeps, but they never like it. They never appreciate that which lies within.
Picture a combination of a Greek God and a porn star.
With the mind and mouth of Dr. House.
Yes, I'm a bastard. Yes I am a mean prick. But these are defenses. If the fools would see that, and actually try, I just might show them Avalon.