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This is just an unfinished beginning of something. Feedback would be appreciated.

As a child, Beatrice was dressed in pink gowns with little bows on them. A perfect little girl, for a perfect little family. Her parents wanted her so badly. Probably because they had so much trouble in their lives, that they needed to show the world that they came out okay. So the world got Beatrice. And Beatrice got the world - that was created for her by them.

When her parents decided to have her, they (as all good god-abiding parents) signed up for a meeting with Genetic Programmer. Dr. J. L. Thompson was one of the best programmers in all of the Philadelphia metropolitan area.

Thompson: Welcome to my office, are you first time creators?
Father: Oh thank you Doctor, yes it’s our first time…
Mother: and we are so excited!
(Father nods in agreement)
Thompson: Well, I guess I should take you through the process first, so you know what to expect.
It is no longer how it was when you were created… (deep chuckle) Oh no! That was a horrible mess of paperwork. Now It’s much easier. When you kids where created, you had 4 months of gustation. Now we are down to just 6 weeks. But enough reminiscing, you’re not here for an old man’s stories! So what we are going to do, shortly, is use this device right here, (Thompson gestures matter-of-factly toward the machine on the table) to extract your reproduction cells and your ideas for your… (checks paperwork quickly) daughter’s reality base.
(Mother and Father embrace at the thought of having a daughter)
Thompson: After your scan, the results and samples will be sent to the lab. There the technicians will do their magic and your daughter will gestation will begin 3 days from today.
Mother: 3 days? Isn’t that a long time? Our friends just created and they told us gestation began the next day…
Thompson: Which hospital did they go to? (another deep chuckle) We like to take our time to create the best reality base for your child. We pride ourselves in that. But if you want to go to some shim-sham Genetic Programmer just to get your daughter created faster, then by all means…
Father: Oh no! Of course not! Forgive us Doctor, we are new to this whole creating business.
Thompson: It’s alright, I am known to be a bit passionate about my work. Shall we get on with it then?
Mother: Yes!
Father: Let’s go!


The following comments are for "Beatrice the Beginning"
by angelatini

woo hoo!

( Posted by: roach [Member] On: October 22, 2009 )


( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: October 22, 2009 )

The begining
Good start. You have some mechanical issues. (no comma before the word 'that') A little editing is all - I miss things (a lot) as do we all.
One suggestion: When you add an action in the middle of dialouge - add it to the line.
"I don't understand." She turned her head to look out the window.
Are you sure you want to use a story to 'script' format? The dialogue is a bit clunky - mixing forms can be hard to read.
Keep going.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: October 26, 2009 )

Re: jonpenny
Yea I agree with your feedback. I don't plan on leaving it in the script format. I just quickly wanted to get my idea down and see if I could make it go somewhere. I'm going to revise it sometime soon and repost. Thanks!

( Posted by: angelatini [Member] On: October 28, 2009 )

Creating Beatrice
I read a short story like this by one of the famous sci-fi writers around. I am intrigued to see where you'll go with the plot. I love Twilight Zone as well and this reminds me of how some of Rod Serling's stories also start. Good writing. Waiting for the next installment.

( Posted by: echomarm [Member] On: October 29, 2009 )

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