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I'll Apologize Twice
a country "feel good" tune.

(Verse 1)
I quit my job today
and went right back home.
I realized that it was Saturday
and that I'd rather be alone.
I poured me a glass of ice-water
and I shore did drank it.
I called you up on the phone, baby,
to ask you for a spankin'.

'Cause when I get my lottery money
I'm plannin' on shootin' somebody in the head.
I can't afford a gun right now, babe,
but as soon as I can they'll shorely be dead.
Yeah, when I get that lottery money
I'll get all the shit I ever wanted to have.
Like a shiny, new suit of body armor, babe,
in case I ever did almost get stabbed.

(Verse 2)
I fed my fish today
and then I went fishin'.
I can't remember what it was she said
but she shore likes chicken.


'Cause when I get my lottery money
I'm plannin' on shootin' somebody in the head.
I can't afford a gun right now, babe,
but as soon as I can they'll shorely be dead.
And if my pants fall off, at least I'll have my socks
and I'll just keep shakin' my hips.
Then I'll apologize twice into your big brown eyes
'cause I'm a rude ole son of a bitch.


[i](Badass country slide-guitar solo next)

(then the band breaks it down)

(and then maybe some whistling with a nice piano break)

“I'm sorry, baby. Come back. I'm sorry.” -spoken behind piano

(drum solo)

(then the fiddle plays for a while)

(harmonica solo)

(now the whole band comes back in for last verse)[/i]

(Final Verse)
You said you'd never marry me
if I ever quit drinkin'.
I'm a little hungover now
but here's what I been thinkin'...


(Final Chorus)
I'm gonna buy you a quarter stick of dynamite
with all of that lottery money I win.
Yeah, we can catch them fish with our dynamite sticks
while drinkin' two big bottles of Jim!
And if my pickup truck ever gets unstuck
I'm gonna drive it right outta this ditch.
Then I'll apologize twice for all my bullshit lies
'cause I'm a rude ole son of a bitch.

(Big finish: vocal solo sung slowly now, with a lot of feeling and no music)

“Yes, I'll apologize twice into your big brown eyes
for bein' such a son of a bitch.”

(The band ends together on one note here)

~Country Musician's Note: no one is really going to be shot in the head, ya'll. It's all just country feel good music about love, drinkin', and fishin'.

Reverend Antinormalità

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The following comments are for "I'll Apologize Twice"
by TheTesticularPrancer

*sound of children screaming and yelling in the back ground*


TP, just wanted to say I love this dang song. It sounds like a shit kicking, sheep......shearing good time.


( Posted by: Herocomplex [Member] On: September 3, 2009 )

I'll apologize
Oh my Rev. Is this a country tune?

Well, lets see the parameters for a good country tune are these: slide guitar or lap steel, fiddle, piano, harmonica, spoken word behing piano - all good!!

Now for content. A perfect country song would have all of these elements (Some, care of David Allen Coe) : jail, pick-up-truck, booze, tears, regret, momma, rain, dog, cheatin', fishin', hunting, trains, forgiving, lost job, Jesus (Not sang in Vain),love America references, guns, the flag, dislike of Commies and liberals - I think that's it. So how did you do? I see a lost job, shooting someone sings to 'guns'(OK!),pickup truck -just three - well, doesn't look good on Jonpenny's country-o-meter. ;)

Actually I thought it was hilarious - do you have a serious bone in your body? A little more rhyming needed but if this was your first attempt at songwriting I'm impressed. Thanks for a good laugh.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: September 3, 2009 )

Shore... sure
I'm not sure but I think the words shore / shorely should be spelled as surely. :)

I wish I can hear this song...

rhyming is never easy but you did it very well :)

( Posted by: edwinpadillo2 [Member] On: September 3, 2009 )

Thanks on Purpose, my fellow Persons
Thanks guys. Yeah, turns out (as I suspected) that writing a country tune was VERY easy. David Allen does indeed some it all up in the last verse of 'You Never Even Called Me By My Name' but I could never hope to top that one.

I misspelled sure & surely as 'shore & shorely' on porpoise so the reader may properly imagine the course, Southern-American twang this tune MUST be sung in.

Is that not GENIUS of me!!??!
Did you know guys know that Porpoises are small cetaceans of the family Phocoenidae; they are related to whales and dolphins. They're distinct from dolphins, although the word "porpoise" (pronounced /ˈpɔrpəs/) has been used to refer to any small dolphin, especially by sailors and fishermen. The most obvious visible difference between the two groups is that porpoises have flattened, spade-shaped teeth distinct from the conical teeth of dolphins, and shorter beaks.

The name derives from French pourpois, originally from Medieval Latin porcopiscus (porcus pig + piscus fish).
Fascinating to think that people throughout time have given so many specific distinctions on absolutely EVERYTHING under the sun! Even plants, insects, and BACTERIA.

Porpoise also a cool word that can be substituted for PURPOSE in case anyone feels like getting crazy.

( Posted by: thetesticularprancer [Member] On: September 4, 2009 )

Informative...(as usual)
Very informative again! Just as in your earlier comment above this one...and by the way, I got the "twang dialect thang"...very funny and entertaining. Thanks for the laughs and smile. We can all use more humor in our lives;-)

See the good,

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: September 4, 2009 )

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