Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
0.00

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

Every day, every minute and second passes without you
My shattered heart is suffocated, smashed without you
My eyes are crying blood instead of tear without you
I wish you could see how messed up I am without you
See how this heart is screaming, crying in unrest silently
See how ruined has become the garden without you
The ruined heart is cultivated, painless with you
Otherwise this tavern is ruined eternally without you
If I can find in this darkness one colorless pure truth
Even if I can, it will be only a shadow without you
What can I do, I can't think of a world without sun
I've found the light, I don't want to sleep at nights without you
If you don't embrace me, death won't understand me without you
All of my nice dreams will be nightmare without you


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: Please Read this poem and tell me how does it make you feel. Give me your opinion. your suggestions and critiques are welcomed.
Thanks to you all

------
ilgaar


Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "Without You"
by ilgaar

Without you
Pretty good - here is some suggestions for you to play around with.


Every day, every minute and second passes
Without you
My shattered heart is suffocated, smashed
without you
My eyes are crying blood instead of tear
Without you
(Meter and idea blend beautifully here.

I wish you could see how messed up I am
(Meter is off!)
Without you

See how this heart is screaming,
crying in unrest silently (Clunky added line ???)

See how ruined has become the garden
Without you

The ruined heart is cultivated,
painless with you (Meter is off and seems added and contrived)

Otherwise this tavern is ruined eternally (Too many syllables- economy here - find another way, in tempo, that would work)
Without you

If I can find in this darkness one colorless pure truth (Added line????)

Even if I can, it will be only a shadow
Without you

What can I do, I can't think of a world
without sun (Sun?? would work if I would see I change like this more than once)

I've found the light, I don't want to sleep at nights (Meter is off - too long)
Without you

If you don't embrace me, death (you) won't understand me (Meter is off - too long)
Without you

All of my nice dreams will be nightmare
Without you

The reason I suggest taking 'Without you as a separate line is that you force the reader to regard it as a separate thought and the punctuates the poems meaning.

I hope this helps and makes some kind of sense! ;)

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: September 7, 2009 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: