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There was a foolish child of hope in my mind.
He was very naughty, though he was sweet and kind.
He was running and playing, breaking every vase picturing the reality.
Trying to stop him as a cold and experienced, but caring father,
I decided to explain him, this is an impossible desire.
I tried to explain him the bitter truth furnished with lies.
When he didn't listen, my despair lost his temper,
yelled and swore, and filled his mouth with pepper.
When you pitied me to not say that you don't love me.
When you pitied me to not say that you don't even like me.
I looked into the vacancy where my heart used to be in,
and found the hate I nursed and grew for a long time within.
Nothing could help me looking into your eyes, to tell you,
the nonsense, false phrase of I don't love you,
so I opened my hand and asked for his help to tell you,
the nonsense, false phrase of I don't love you.
But he poured coming out of me suddenly
I couldn't stop him, he came out crushingly.
He told you secrets which shouldn't have been told.
He had not learn anything but hate and how to be cold.
He shut my ears and closed my eyes to tell you,
the nonsense and false phrase of I don't love you.
The schizophrenia devil took the control,
whipping me and stabbing me by his long sword,
I tried to stand the pain I received, from every true or false word.
He said them with all his evil powers, to make you hate me even more.
No! I haven't cut and picked any flower before you.
I had been cut before, I had learned the pain.
How can I disturb any flower by a touch? I can never dare to.
Let alone cutting, picking or destroying.
No! no flower in the world can smell the way you do.
If this is love then what I have felt before was not true.
Don't be deceived by this sad mask I wear when I see you.
It's because your smile is so simple, amazing and powerful,
full of life pure and free, flying like a bird.
It puts mine into a shame.
I want to smile back at you though I can't.
Funny or not I can't tell, but I hear the laughter of my heart in your pocket,
when I see you trying to wash it by your tickles in your shiny treasure bucket.
But now, that the innocent child is punished, scared sitting in a corner,
This makes the reality and most of all the pain for me even much bitter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: Please read this poem and tell me how does it make you feel. give your opinion, and tell me if the title is not fit. Any suggestion is welcomed.

------
ilgaar


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The following comments are for "The nonsense, false phrase of I don't love you."
by ilgaar

nonsense....
I couldn’t finish this. I got about a third of the way through it and my eyes crossed. I got a little of what you were trying to say, however, its full of inconsistencies that make it impossible to follow. For example:

He was running and playing, breaking every vase picturing the reality.
Trying to stop him as a cold and experienced, but caring father,
I decided to explain him, this is an impossible desire.
I tried to explain him the bitter truth furnished with lies.
When he didn't listen, my despair lost his temper,
yelled and swore, and filled his mouth with pepper."

Is he breaking the vases to picture reality? That doesnt make much sense. What is an impossible desire? Picturing the reality? What bitter truth? You never say what bitter true you explained. Did your dispair lose his temper? Or yours? How does dispair lose a temper anyway? Filled his mouth with pepper???

You've given broken images here with little or no explination. What you are talking about in the begining seems to fade and you are talking about something else toward the middle. I got a little farther before I stopped. Reading what I did, I got the impression that english is not your first language. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that, but it just makes it hard to read and follow. But then again, maybe I'm just missing the point. Jonpenny is the resident wordsmith, he may be able to explain and help better than I could.

Again, please take my comments in the spirit they are intended, just my friendly observations in an effort to help you learn and grow as a writer. I hope, that you will take a few moments and return the favor by reading and adding your insight to any of my piece's. I would welcome your observations. We're all here to help each other out. I hope my humble comments have helped you. ;)

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: September 5, 2009 )

nonsense
Dave is right here. There is nothing wrong with the beating of your poetic heart - it's just a very talky-chatty organ. The correction isn't going to be that hard for you. I have noted to others on this site that is a matter of 'economy' and a personal voice to write poetically. You write in a conversational manner and that has your metaphors seem disjointed and dizzying. It is for the poet to find the fewest words to pen the highest communication. There was more meaning in Poe's 'Nevermore!' because of the clear and concise verses prior to that famous exclamation.

'I tried to stand the pain I received, from every true or false word.
(What received, but pain from every word?)

He said them with all his evil powers, to make you hate me even more.
(An (His) evil spell cast and I hate myself even more)

No! I haven't cut and picked any flower before you.
(I have cut no flowers to lay before you)

I had been cut before, I had learned the pain.'
(With each cut from you I have borne this pain

I offer these alternative verses not as the way to do it, but as a suggestion in how to restructure words in a more poetic manner. A poetic voice is different than a conversational one. Give it a go and see what comes of the difference . I have an idea that we will all be surprised. There is a fine poet in there - let it out!

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: September 5, 2009 )

Thanks for your enlightening critiques
To the both of you. I can never be offended by your observation, and feedback. in fact by criticizing you are helping me to achieve perfection. It is true my writing is lame. but by the help of kind people like, who are courageous enough to be frank and tell the truth, I can fix my mistakes. Actually I am getting interested in your characters, and I wan to know you. It's true I don't have much time to read your poems, and true that I can't be a good critic as good as you, but I will try to give it shut. thanks again.

( Posted by: ilgaar [Member] On: September 6, 2009 )

: @ ilgaar
You are more than welcome. But please don't say you work is lame - it's fine. Any voice a poet possesses is a higher and worthier voice than those who don't speak at all. I am no scholar just a vagabond poet and writer trying, like you, to make it better. My voice comes from those generous others I have met along the way, who have given me their thoughts on what a wrote. Just keep writing my friend.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: September 6, 2009 )





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