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So uneasy, so stormy and so full of thunder is my heart.
And I am drowning in this void ocean of without land in my heart.
It's raining on my face heavily.
And now I have stopped struggling and gave myself to the waves.
Even this headache is so ashamed of me.
How strange! The pain has become my friend,
But even pain can't understand me.
Even whiskey doesn't understand me.
Even being drunk doesn't help anymore.
Maybe even death wont understand me.
How dark and empty the truth was,
It didn't even have a face.
And how words are simply helpless in helping you.
My eyes are open but they are shut.
Stars are bright, but they are not shining.
And even darkness is ashamed of the dark.
And now just the whistling and blowing wind.
Only the moaning of engines break the silence sometimes.
How strange is it to sit on the edge of roof,
It just doesn't have any feeling.
Look at the moon, it's so big, incomplete and dirty.
Look at all these lights, how deceiving.
Look at my cigarette, burning, turning into ashes and smoke,
Carried away by the wind, just like life.
I can see an evil in the very far distance approaching and calling me by name. I am scared.
It's getting colder and colder, I wanna wake up, but I can't.
Can you feel it? Of course you can't, this heavy mist covering all around you, won't let you see.

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Note: Would you please read this poem and tell me your opinions and feelings!
Help me to choose a better title for this poem.
Thanks.

------
ilgaar


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Comments

The following comments are for "The untitled poem"
by ilgaar

untitled
I don't know about this one. You have moments that are brilliant and then the rest just seems an unimportant conversation. For me,, you need to work on economy. What I mean by that is that you need to work on saying more with fewer words. Maybe this will make more sense:

Look at all these lights, how deceiving.
(See all those lights deceiving)

Look at my cigarette, burning, turning into ashes and smoke,
(My cigarette's burning, turning, ashes, and smoke)

Carried away by the wind, just like life.
(In the wind my life is carried away)

I can see an evil in the very far distance
(This line is great - you might edit out 'far' it's an un-needed beat)

approaching and calling me by name. I am scared.
(For fear approaching and calling may name)

It's getting colder and colder, I wanna wake up, but I can't.
(I want to awaken but can't for the bitter cold)

Can you feel it? Of course you can't,
(Unnecessary - this is too conversational)

this heavy mist covering all around you, won't let you see.
(blanketed by a heavy mist you are blind)

I wouldn't suggest that these alternative lines are correct. I don't have your voice that is for you to find. I offer this as a suggestion. Also be careful of pronoun use - too confusing.
Thanks

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: September 3, 2009 )

Thanks again
again you are here by your creative critiques to help me to improve my writings. thanks for your great suggestions. you are super.

( Posted by: ilgaar [Member] On: September 6, 2009 )

Untitled
There is nothing I could say that would be any better advice than what jonpenny tells you. Believe me when I say that thinking upon what he has to say will make you better, I can attest to it. If you have the time, I wrote a poem called shades of gray. The first draft is mixed up in a piece I called The Process of a Writer. The second draft is called Shades of Gray (revised) and the final draft is called Shades of Gray (final cut)

I'm tellin you this as a shameless plug for my own work. I'm telling you because jonpenny helped me through the revisions with his vast knowlege of wordsmithing. If you read each draft, with the comments he left me, then the final piece, you'll see how much better it turned out with his help. I promise you, he wont steer you wrong...(that was a cow joke, btw)

As for me, I like your idea's, and as jonpenny said, there is a wonderful poet in you just screaming to get out. The fact that you are willing to take constructive critisism speaks highly of your desire to become a better writer. I read your thank you comment on your Nonsense poem as well. You writings are not lame, don't think it. We're all here to put our stuff out there, hopeing that our fellow writers will help us learn and grow. I've been here for a month, but I already feel like I have grown drastically in my writing thanks to the sage advice of jonpenny, auldmiseryguts, ochani lele, dagger, beckett gray......the list contiues, but you get the idea. Don't become discouraged, keep putting pen to paper. Allow me one piece of advice. As opposed to writing several more pieces and posting them. Pick two or three, and revise and then repost them. This is a way to see the progress of your work and will help in later pieces. At least, it worked for me. By all means though, keep your ideas flowing. I'm looking forward to your next submission.

P.S I'm sorry this is so sloppy, I'm haveing to type fast in between work orders.....even on sunday's I gotta bust my ass ;)

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: September 6, 2009 )





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