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Boyfriend ~~ What a great evening. Thanks sweetie. And now ... are you protected?
Girlfriend ~~ I ran out of protection.
Boyfriend ~~ Well ... okay then. I've got this. It's kind of old. I've had it a long time, but ...
Girlfriend ~~ Then why bother? You might as well skip it.
Boyfriend ~~ Skip it? Are you crazy? You're the one that always ...
Girlfriend ~~ I know. But what difference would it make? Didn't I tell you? I'm already pregnant.
"That Ain't no Bull"
Farmer #1 ~ Howdy, Jake. What brings y'out this way?
Farmer #2 ~ Jus' payin' a visit to that bull I sold ya. Brought some turnips--his favorite snack.
Farmer #1 ~ Well, y'might wanna think better of it. That bull's got one hell of a mean streak in 'im.
Farmer #2 ~ Now that jus' don't sound right, Tom. The kids helped raise 'im. He's gentle as a lamb.
Farmer #1 ~ Well, see fer yesself.. Won't make a big difference, tho. We castrated that bull yestiddy.
"Sailing the friendly skies"
Captain ~ Mayday! Mayday!
Co-pilot ~ Pressure's dropping. All gauges in the red, sir.
Captain ~ This is Romeo-Alpha-six! We are losing speed and altitude!
Co-pilot ~ Flameout on second engine, Captain.
Captain ~ Switch to the other tank!
Co-pilot ~ I doubt it will make much difference, sir. We are on the other tank.
Wifey ~ I'm so excited! Sis wants us to vacation with them in their fabulous new beach house!
Hubby ~ How nice. Too bad we can't return the favor.
Wifey ~ Oh, honey, relax. We'll get back on our feet. Jean and Ty are so fond of you.
Hubby ~ What about a gift? They're always bringing gifts.
Wifey ~ Forget that. I'm telling you it won't make a bit of difference. It's you they want to see.
Hubby ~ Well I sure could use a lift about now.
Wifey ~ Great! And you know what else? Mother is moving in with them ... tomorrow!
Bartender~~~~~~~ We're arranging a trip to Nudie Island. Wanna join us?
Bored Undergrad~~ Is it safe? I heard they sabotage the boats of strangers.
Bartender~~~~~~~ Nah ... just a rumor. The most they'll do is steal your clothes.
Bored Undergrad~~ Well ... what if it isn't a rumor?
Bartender~~~~~~~ We'll swim back.
Bored Undergrad~~ Isn't that, like, almost four miles? Besides, my wife can't swim.
Bartender~~~~~~~ Well that don't make no difference. The place is all male now, anyways.
"What's Today's Date?"
Steward~~~~ Aha! Caught'cha there, stowaway! And with half the trip left t'go, the chains is gonna cut deep in-ta ya!
Stowaway ~~ No, no. Look, you don't understand. I'm from the future. My system went ka-put and dropped me here.
Steward~~~~ Dropped ya here ... on this ship ... in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Is that yer story?
Stowaway ~~ Yes, exactly.
Steward~~~~ Well then, would ya mind tellin' me where yer "time machine" is? Bet'cha feel naked without it.
Stowaway ~~ Oh, no, ha-ha-ha. We don't use machines anymore. No, no. We have matter scramblers now. You know, "Beam me up Scotty."
Steward~~~~ Ah-h, do ya now? Well, that makes a big difference. Y'see, I'm a great science fiction fan, so y'know what? I believe ya! What's more, I'm gonna get ya settled in. Congratulations sir! Yer now safely aboard the Titanic!
Ambulance Chaser~~~~~~~ Miss Jones ... take a letter. Begin ... Dear Aunt Phoebe: Whereas you have always considered me the black sheep in the family, and whereas in your latest will you have decided to cut me out entirely ...
Personal Assistant~~~~~~~ Uh-h, excuse me, Mr. Smudley
Ambulance Chaser~~~~~~~ Please allow me to continue, Miss Jones ... now where did I leave off?
Personal Assistant~~~~~~~ Cut me out entirely..
Ambulance Chaser~~~~~~~ Yes ... 'cut me out entirely,' comma, you can just take your money and go to hell, as far as I'm concerned. Furthermore ...
Personal Assistant~~~~~~~ I hate to keep breaking in like this, Mr. Smudley, but there's ...
Ambulance Chaser~~~~~~~ Then please don't, Miss Jones. Let's see ... Furthermore, comma, to tell you outright that you are a stingy, money grubbing old biddy is something I've ...
Personal Assistant~~~~~~~ Mr. Smudley, If you would just give me the chance ...
Ambulance Chaser~~~~~~~ Yes ... Miss Jones. Good heavens, go ahead and get it off your chest!
Personal Assistant~~~~~~~ Well, Mr Smudley, you probably haven't read your morning mail. I put your Aunt Phoebe's amended will right on top ... delivered personally by her attorney. She's decided to leave you fifty million dollars.