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Sitting here
Listening to you
Talk about the furture
Talk about us
love
And making love
getting married
Making children
And living life
Throught the world
Together for the rest of our lives
With wedding bells
And rings
With smiles and ciggerttes
Holding hands
Through the phone
Please come home soon

------
Does the wadded up paper ball or the bowling ball fall faster?


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The following comments are for "Come"
by thesadpoet

About the same effect for me
this piece although, a wonderful idea, seem to be rushed together, maybe its way over my head...very likely. 2 Observations that would help this piece greatly: 1. Punctuation- this would have helped break down and really help the reader digest this properly, adding to the emotional effect of the mind. 2nd: Misspellings: They automatically pull the reader away from any kind of sub thought that might be evolving ('Throught'- maybe you meant through, and 'ciggerttes' maybe you meant, cigarettes.)

Please take these with a grain of salt- my humble opinion.

Thanks for sharing.

( Posted by: pablowilliams [Member] On: August 23, 2009 )

of wedding bells and rings.....
For me this hit home like a Louisville slugger to the forehead. This could be a poem from my wife. I agree with what pablo said. He's right about spelling error's detracting from what your trying to get across, I've found this out the hard way, much to my dismay. Allow me one more suggestion. I was given a piece of advice that really help me by Shannon (aka AuldMiseryGuts) and I think you would benifit from it like I have. Don't be afraid of making your lines fit to a certian number of syllbles. For example:

Talking about us
love
and making love

Could just as easily be:

Talking about us
love
making love

The word "and" while grammitcaly correct, isnt really need here in my opinion. When shannon told me this, I went back through mine and he was dead on.

Like pablo said, please take these comments in the spirit they are intended; just the friendly opservations of one writer to another, with no offense intended. Like I said, this really hit home for me, and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you very much for sharing.

Dave

( Posted by: HeRoCoMpLeX [Member] On: August 24, 2009 )





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