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9Artrous
8jonpenny

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This is a new story I just started to write. I know that the first installment is a bit rough, but hopefully it will get better as the story progresses. Trust me, it does get more interesting later on.



Nora looked at the clock, half past 3. It was as if the day was over already. Rolling out of bed for the first time all day, she yawned. A painful looking yawn. She looked back longingly at her bed. White, soft and welcoming, she felt as though she was leaving her best friend behind. It never judges me, she thought silently.


Out the bathroom window, leaves danced aimlessly in the breeze. Nora tried hard to appreciate the nature. She failed. It never interested her even if it was beautiful. Nora combed through her unruly mop of red hair and sighed. What is the point of brushing it if it just becomes tangled in an hour? Nora winced as she noticed strands of gray within her hair. She plucked what seemed to be twenty gray strands everyday, but it was no matter, they always appeared again immediately. She was 44 years old and feeling every minute of it. From her toes to her fingertips, Nora couldn’t help but feel like old news. She was bitterly reminded of the fact whenever her 13 year old son bounded through the house like an Olympic gymnast. Not to mention Nora’s eldest daughter was set to be married in two weeks. As Nora looked in the bathroom mirror she forced a smile. It was hard to remember the last time she actually felt true happiness.


Nora brushed her teeth and wiped her mouth clean. She made her way out to the kitchen where she put on a pot of French roast coffee and waited. Nora sat at the kitchen table and examined her hands. Dry and cracked. Her nails were in desperate need of color and she could almost hear her knuckles screaming to be moisturized. Nora’s eyes wandered to her ring finger. Her skin was pale from where a wedding ring used to be. Nora frowned. Even though she had been unmarried for quite sometime she had just recently decided to stop wearing her wedding band. Nora’s tabby cat Buster leaped onto her lap, clawing its way up her thigh. Nora pushed him away but he sat down purring obnoxiously anyways. Incessant cat. 20 years ago this was not where Nora expected to be. Sitting alone at home making coffee for herself and petting an obese cat who she didn’t even like. If it was up to Nora she would have gotten rid of that cat a long time ago, along with her husband, now ex-husband, Jim.


Nora leafed through papers on the kitchen table. Mostly bills, receipts, papers of that nature. She held up her daughter’s wedding invitation. Somewhat unconventional, on the front of the card there was a picture of her daughter, Sydney, and her fiancé Maxwell at age 5 sitting on swings together. Sydney and Maxwell had been childhood friends, then first loves and college sweethearts. Now at 21 they decided to make permanent their 16 year bond. Of course Nora had doubts. She was concerned about the age of her daughter, getting married so young. More so, Nora was afraid that Sydney was going to repeat the same mistakes she made by rushing into a marriage. Sydney was so naïve, so loving; it was frightening for Nora to see her red haired, green eyed baby putting her all of her trust into someone other than her mother. Buster purred louder when Nora refrained from petting him. “Calm down, I took my hand off you for two seconds,” Nora said to the cat as if it could understand her flawlessly. “Promise me you won’t ever leave me for the nanny, Buster,” Nora demanded of the cat. Buster looked dead into Nora’s eyes and licked his lips. Then it jumped off of her lap ferociously. “That’s what I thought, all men, cats included, can go to hell.”



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The following comments are for "Come Again? 1"
by woalook100

Things that make you go 'hmmm'
Why was poor Nora in bed at half past 3?
What happened between her & Jim, that causes her to be so despondent, even toward the cat?
How is it she can't appreciate nature?

Like your descriptions, and how youuse the character examining themselves to describe them to us...

I reckon I'll have to stay tuned to find the answers to all these questions!

( Posted by: Artrous [Member] On: July 12, 2009 )

Come again
I read this a couple times and liked it. If your open to a suggestion. Open up the narrative a bit. The sentence structure could expand with more discriptive elements instead of Nora then... She this....
See if this makes sense.

'(Nora) leafed through papers on the kitchen table. Mostly bills, receipts, papers of that nature. (She) held up her daughter’s wedding invitation. Somewhat unconventional, on the front of the card there was a picture of her daughter, Sydney, and her fiancé Maxwell at age 5 sitting on swings together. Sydney and Maxwell had been child...'

Maybe:

She leafed through the papers on the kitchen table, mostly made up of bills, and receipts (Maybe add here what this means to her?)
She noticed her daiughter's unconventional wedding invatation and picked it up (maybe a thought here - why was it unconventional to her?) On the front was a picture of her daughter, Sydney, and her fiance, Maxwell, sitting on a swing.

OR:
'She plucked what seemed to be twenty gray strands everyday, but it was no matter, they
always appeared again immediately.'

Maybe:

Every day she plucked a handful of grey hairs from her head and looked at them. She always counted what seemed to be the same number, twenty strands,and she always shrugged. Her sad (distant, lonely, dark, empty, etc,) thought was that it didn't matter, there would be twenty more tomorrow.

This isn't meant to be critical as much as to have you consider opening up and playing around a bit more with your prose. You have a style and I don't suggest you change that.
What's fun for me is to try to discribe the mandane in a way that startles the reader. However, I don't achieve it that often. ;)

Keep going I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Thanks

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: July 13, 2009 )

Come again?
I am feeling your descriptions. I feel myself reluctantly sympathising withyour herion. She has deep pain in her life that is manifested through small annoyances such as gray hair. I am excited about this story. I hope its as good as Daddy Dearest.

( Posted by: smartie99 [Member] On: July 14, 2009 )





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