Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
8jonpenny

You must login to vote

Moving our feet down that small town street
A hint of autumn in the air
From the white steeple the bells call to the people
Welcoming all who would gather there.
The green grass and the trees, sighing with ease
Escorts the congregation, young and old
To doorway and archway, into the hall
Inside, the wonder begins to unfold.

The choir sings and clear voices ring!
Hallelujah! A joyous noise is put forth!
As we answer the call, whether great or small
Of a life of connection, meaning and worth.
Merry meet and merry part,
Here we merry meet again
Cross the aisle with a smile
To greet a stranger or a friend.

Pouring forth sand from across the land
Some touched by distant tides
Bringing more grace to our sacred space
And our sacred spaces inside.
For there's love in laughter, love in tears
Love in all beneath the skies
Truly the love that we seek here, together
Is the love that never dies.



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "The Ingathering"
by Eldros

Eldors Congregation
I love your word choices and lucid imagery. But I have to tell you I stumbled on this one.
I'm going to nit pick a bit.
Your beat counts are erratic - if you do it on purpose then I am just a fuddy duddy and so be it.

But I will go on 'cause I am a fuddy duddy!. ;)
The first stanza counts 9-7-12-10-10-10-10-10
second stanza counts 9-11-11-11-7-7-8-8

I know that my being a songsmithe makes me over aware, perhaps, of structure and maybe these days where chilish crap poetry sells, unapologetically, as some 'cultural phenom' its a bit old fashion to hold to a traditional artistic discipline- (feathers will no doubt ruffle!) but smooth, well crafted, intelligent, poetry is still my preference and surely so with some one with your lucid vision and language skills.
Let me give an example:
-Moving our feet down that small town street (9)
A hint of autumn in the air (8)-
Why not:
-Moving our feet down that small town street (9)
A hint of autumn in the (morning) air (9)-
Or:
-Pouring forth sand from across the land (9)
Some touched by (the) distant (rolling) tides (9)

The added words could add more color and texture and the meter would be consistent.

You could go 9-9-9-10-10-10 in all stanzas and it would sing sweetly in the reading.

Anyway... Know that I love your work and humbly opine to a gifted writer and, based on your work, surely a kindered soul. I trust you will honor my work with this same sharp eye.
Thanks for letting us all read your work.
Bless you
Ken

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: March 15, 2009 )

@Eldros
Sorry my friend for mis-typing your name.
Ken

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: March 15, 2009 )

@Jonpenny
Ken,

First and foremost, I'm flattered that you cared enough about my writing to type up such a detailed reply. Thank you for the praise of the elements you liked and of my work in general.

Now, let's see what I can do to better hone this one...

I don't like strict syllabic count or meter with poems and usually don't pay too much attention to them unless I'm writing a haiku. At the same time, I agree that this poem just does not flow very well and could use some tweaking. "Flow" is an esoteric term, I know, but, like Pirsig's "Quality", when it's there it's there and when it's not it's not.

As you pointed out, the brevity of certain lines seem to leave the reader awkwardly hanging or stumbling on to the next line. I'm going to see what I can do offline (pen & paper first for me) with adding where needed and eventually resubmit.

I greatly appreciate your comments!

( Posted by: Eldros [Member] On: March 18, 2009 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: