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Is there a lasting joy in life
beyond the ebb and flow?
Must every high we feel
be followed by a low?

Can our noble ship gently sway
in the rising and falling of the tide?
Regardless of what we find without
can we have peace inside?

Instead of riding the wheel, round and round
in what seems a cruel joke
Can we not forever dwell
at the center of the spoke?

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The following comments are for "The Center of the Spoke"
by Eldros

Oh yeah- good poem!
The tag on 1st line of the 3rd stanza kinda bumped a bit -for me, but after reading it a few more times and getting a good cadence going I let go of my petty considerations. Great job.
Bless you

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: March 14, 2009 )

Thanks for the praise, and the commentary. Especially the commentary. I think rhythm, rhyme and grammar are important aspects of a poem (though I sometimes worry about coming across like Mr. J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D.). Part of the reason I post on this site is to get feedback and suggestions so I can better hone my craft and become a better conduit for the muse's, uh, musings =)

Though deviations in structure can add to a poem, they can also detract. Flow and good cadence can add to impact.

I thought of a few alternates for the 1st line of the 3rd stanza:

"Instead of riding the wheel around"
"Instead of riding the wheel forever 'round"

I'm partial to the latter...I want to convey a sense of a repeated cycle, which is why I initially used repetition for emphasis.

What do you think?

( Posted by: Eldros [Member] On: March 16, 2009 )

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