Disclaimer: This is a redraft of a previous essay of mine, originally titled "The Grammy's Suck."
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As a warning to all, this is a very angry rant about the grammy's, and as such contains many words and ideas that some may find offensive. As further warning, i am thinking about starting a somewhat regular column type writing about music. This is the first installment. Future installments will be based on the success of this one.
Since the beginning of time. man has wondered what the end of the world would be like. And since Christianity, people have theorized about the coming of the anti-christ. We have made guesses and predictions about what the precursors to the apocalypse would be. We have heard everything from raining fire to earthquakes and tidal waves dogs and cats living together to it being just too damn gray outside. When i have seen the end of the world. I have seen the anti-christ.
And her name is Norah Jones.
When a woman wins 8 Grammy’s - beating such seasoned veterans as U2, Bruce Springsteen, and talented new-comers like John Mayer - without writing a single one of them, look up, because Jesus is 'a comin'. "But she co-wrote 2 of the songs." Hey, i'm talking the end of the world, people! I don't have such time for trivialities!
Some of you may think that i am over-exaggerating. That's just what the "music industry" wants you to think. This is not a joke. The end of the world is near. I'm not over-exaggerating for the point of emphasis. The world is ending. Evil is winning. Pack your bags, folks. We're going away. Satan is taking over.
You see, religion teaches us that evil is actually more appealing on the surface than good. Free money looks better than working hard. No-strings-sex sounds better than a commitment. Shooting heroin sounds better than waiting for the pain to pass. And Norah Jones is the perfect vessel for this evil. She is a beautiful young woman with a beautiful voice. Most people don't even realize she has stolen those 8 Grammy’s. "Why shouldn't she get them? She's a good singer." Well, great singin does not make a good song. If singing well was the sole basis for whether or not you were a successful musician, then Bob Dylan never would have ever even been heard of, let alone become a household name, and we would all view Christina Aguilera as the voice of the 21st century, instead of the slut of the 21st century.
OK, time to lay off the religious ideology a bit. Let's just focus on morality. In 1989, Grammy's were given to Milli Vanilli for best new artist. The Grammy was taken away when it was found out that didn't sing. Everyone got pissed. In the late 90's boy bands were assaulted for being so successful without writing any of their songs, despite the fact that they could (as much as i hate to admit it) sing their asses off. People got pissed. Eminem was nominated several Grammy’s. The grammy association looked past all the hype and controversy and acknowledged that despite many of the negative overtones of his work, he is a hell of a wordsmith. Everybody got pissed. Norah Jones wins 8 Grammy's this year. Everybody loves her. Is there something wrong with this picture?
A new day is coming. Not one based on creativity, but the ability to sit back and do what people tell you. There sure seem to be a lot of "artists" who are discounting the value of thinking for themselves, instead choosing to just sit back and wait for the producers to tell them what notes to sing. Heaven forbid someone be rewarded for...brace yourselves...writing their own songs! *gasp* Why reward someone with a mind when we can reward someone who has a pair of tits. Why honour someone for having something to sing about when we can honour someone who sounds good doing it.
The end is near, folks. It's all over now. Eli's coming. Don't get too attached to this world. It won't be here for much longer. It won't be long now before awards are given to people just for being on the cover of the album, or for being mentioned in the liner notes as " a loyal friend to the band." You will see Kurt Loder giving a thank you speech simply for saying he liked the band. John Mayer will be forced to give the welcome speech inducting Eddie Van Halen's guitar tech into the rock and roll hall of fame.
Maybe all of this doesn't mean the end of the world. But if this is the world we shall live in, then let me dream.