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Sweet silence,
Empty words that bear out.
Touch of tough caress,
Quite a contrast between me and you.

Time didn't stop,
As we traverse our different paths.
Feel the morn, face some more.
Exchange cruel words, feel concord mutuality.

And as two souls stroke time,
Pretentious with the blushing, with the blue.
Two souls slyly calm,
Watching the moonlight that mingles...

A happy ending, a realization,
How to wonder a fountain,
Among the steady marble statues..
Dancing with the colors of the wind...

A happy ever after,
Our love has some what secrets,
Not heard but has uncertain hope vibrates.
Something that the breeze brings.

With our fanciful disguises,
Now we're playmates,
And lovers, and...
We share a different world.

(A tribute to my ex-boyfriend)

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The following comments are for "Rayjin"
by LainCoubert

I liked this and I came back to it because it stuck in my head. But here's the thing for me - I had a hard time reading it because it reads a bit stilted- the tempo was difficult. Like this: 2nd stanza 4-9-6-11 (mutuality has 5 beats)
3rd stanza 6-9-5-8. You could rearrange lines to read differently or economize the prose. This is a good poem and I want the reader to see the fine use of language and the poetic grace you possess and not be turned off because it may take too much work to read. Your work is worth resading and read this comment less as criticism and more a conversation with a fan. I am a fan. Maybe go look at it again? Then let us read the revision and be stunned.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: January 24, 2009 )

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