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In my most recent years, I have grown to love my insanity. My doctors have said that my first psychotic break was in the year 2000, but I believe that I was crazy a long time before then. There are many hypotheses that try to explain the root of my insanity. One is that my rampant drug use triggered something in my brain. Another, I inherited paranoid schizophrenia from my family. They say that there is too much dopamine in my brain, so they give me pills that block my dopamine receptors. This helps me regain my focus, I do have to admit, but my sanity… that’s arguable.

If mind control, thru the radio waves and what-not, is used here today, then yes, I am sane. If this world is upside down and the so-called “dumb-asses” of today’s society are actually a lot more capable of figuring things out than me, then I am of sound mind (I was always at the top of my classes in school). There are many other things that are deemed “crazy” or “irrational” that I have came to believe in, and most everyone wants to tell me that I am delusional.

I have sat thru thirty-minute sessions with my psychiatrist every month or so, and what I’ve learned is that some things are better left unsaid. Lately, I have been telling my doctor that I have no delusions and that everything is fine. The reason being is that I don’t want to be brain washed by my doctor anymore.

In the beginning, my doctor helped me toss aside any “weird” thoughts and beliefs many times, but like a ball tossed into the air, it must come down eventually. When I became “delusional,” I always tried to remember my talks with her, and the struggle of insane versus sane has probably taken off a few years of my life, due to stress.

Now, I don’t try to fight the good fight. I simply say to myself, “What I believe, is my right to believe, and nobody can tell me otherwise.” This belief system of mine runs the risk of getting a bit too crazy, because each month, the doc decreases my medication. The idea is to stay on the lowest possible dose while keeping a sane mind. This is because of the side effects of the medication.

I am on a two different anti-psychotics. One can cause diabetes, and this is the one that I am getting lowered each month or so. The other anti-psychotic can cause a terrible condition known as tardive dyskonisiea, or something like that, and the chances of me getting it increase substantially every day that I use it. If I get TD, all my muscles will spasm to a horrible degree, and it is not reversible. My face will contort into hideous distortions, and my tongue will be on the constant and uncontrollable move.

Every psychiatrist that I have seen has told me that I will need to be on medication for the rest of my life. However, they are also the ones that told me that the television can’t directly talk to and about me.



Comments

The following comments are for "Brain Washed"
by davepfingston

Brain Washed
What a great article Dave. You bring up a subject that no one wants to bring up, but that at the same time is fascinating to people. You can because you live it.

My nephew is a paranoid schizophrenic. Until just the last few weeks he had lived with my elderly Mom and Dad, (my lovely Dad died just in October) he seemed to get along good there, but just grew worse and worse, I think it was because they never could get him to take his meds right and every chance he had he was out to find pot.

So the Drs. said he could never go back to Moms, he is being set up with a house and a PAC team. I think that is what it was called.

You write so well and with such good natured humor. Very intelligent. Your comics got me thinking about, well, comics. So I signed up for a few to be delivered to my email each day from comics.com. Ever heard of that site?

The best to you. Robert.

( Posted by: robnjop [Member] On: December 30, 2008 )





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