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9.5

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9Mandolin
10OchaniLele

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In wait beneath the old north bridge
'Tis common said that a monster lay
In wait for the deeds of foolish men
In need of what justice fails to pay

Sir, carry you not a hardened heart
And boldly walk the witch moonís way
For teeth and claw will stop your stride
And rend your soul to ash and clay

Fear the monster that languish there
Beneath that bridge its hunger deep
Seeks it those who forget the past
And raise evil from imprisoned sleep

A chain it carries about its scaly neck
To reign in misguided human prey
Craving the blood jewel upon its brow
Shine that holds heavenís aid at bay

So if your mind is wroth an sorely rank
Your guilty bowels writhe an angry pit
Stay clear the northern bridge, I say
Malice born peril lay beneath it


------
Why is doing what you love the hardest thing to do? Is it because failing what you thought defined you would be too devastating a thing from which to recover? If so, we stay where mere accident has left us.


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Comments

The following comments are for "A Monster"
by jonpenny

"A Monster"
Especially at the beginning of this poem, I imagined that it could easily be an English-style drinking/folk song! I imagined an old, bearded man telling the younger crowd to be wary on the way home from the pub and regaling them with this. :)

The only thing that didn't work for me were this line: "A chain it carries about its scaly neck" and that simply because it has too many syllables and doesn't fit the flow of the rest of the poem. The majority of your first liens have 8-9 syllables, so something like "A chain it carries 'bout it's neck,"[i] or [i]"A chain weighs down it's scaly neck" might flow better.

My only other "con-crit" would be to consider putting a hyphen between "malice" and "born" in your final line, so the reader understands the flow and that those two words are related, rather than "born" and "peril."

And I really liked these two lines:

[i]"For teeth and claw will stop your stride
And rend your soul to ash and clay"[/i] Very evocative! The cadence is just perfect and I love the repetition of the words "teeth and claw" and "ash and clay." Clay is such a great word!

( Posted by: Mandolin [Member] On: December 30, 2008 )

@ Mandolin
Clay is an awesome word in this poem!

Also -- everyone -- remember that you can rate an author's work in each thread. It's nice to see comparative ratings between a writer's pieces.

Stuart.

( Posted by: OchaniLele [Member] On: December 30, 2008 )

@ Ochani Lele
Ooh, thanks for pointing that out!

( Posted by: Mandolin [Member] On: December 30, 2008 )

thanks@Orchani&mandolin
Just an aside I play and love mandolines. Anyway... Thank you both for the comments and corrections. I missed the beat count on that line - maybe 'A chain carries it around its neck' I noted the grand numbers- most kind.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: December 30, 2008 )

@jonpenny "monster"
The mandolin is a beautiful instrument, pleasing to the ears, as is this poem. It reads as if a song.




J.B.

( Posted by: Boudica [Member] On: January 29, 2009 )

@Boudica
Sorry my friend. I missed your kind comment. Thank you!
Ken

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: February 8, 2009 )





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