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8jonpenny

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One day you came
Knocked on my door
Looking for someone to see your soul

I gave you love
You fed my heart
Feelings we used to heal our scars


You said that life had owed you a thing
An apology at the end
I held you close into my arms
Whispered the words you longed to hear

.
.
.

You were the light of my days my sweetheart
Then one day you told me we had to part

Just like you suddenly came to my life
You coldly told me I had to survive


.
.
.

I spent the days
Searching for you
In everything I see or hear

Everything would
'Remind of you
Even coffee or food would do

You said that life now owed you more things
Only this time the debt won't end
I never knew why you had to go
Leaving me alone with memories

.
.
.

You were the light of my days my sweetheart
Why did you tell me that we had to part?

You seemed so happy, I foolishly thought
You used to tell me, I still have your note

.
.
.

I can't let go
The thought of you
Waking up without you would hurt

Nor can forget
How you touched me
Sending to flight my heart with birds

You said that life owed you a thing
I can see now you took revenge
Onto my trusting heart and left
Long before I'd ever think

.
.
.

You were the light of my days my sweetheart
Why did you think that we had to part?

You seemed so happy, I foolishly thought
You used to tell me, I still have your note

...

You were the light of my days my sweetheart
Why did you think that we had to part?


I will forever await your return ...
I can't believe that this is the end



.
.
.
.
.
.

Wael Nawara, 2008.
Inspired by Neith, Egyptian Goddess of Hunting and Wild Things.




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Comments

The following comments are for "Brief Visitation"
by waelnawara

response to 'brief visitation'
Interesting. The poem? Or is it the writer? Sort'a Romance meets E.E. Cummings. Or perhaps not. Reminds me, where all these deviations deviate, between stanzas, that you call on the masters for your pleasure. For my pleasure, too sickly sweet with the inclusion of sweetheart. But that is one brief rant to an end. Of course, it is difficult to score love. But this will resonate for your pleasure. Hard to make one's romance accessible, no? Roses are red... violets are...

firstedition

( Posted by: firstedition [Member] On: December 1, 2008 )

odd structure
Thanks For your critique ... I think the structure sounds a bit odd ...

I wrote the Lyrics to a nice melodic tune ... which may explain the complex structure ... but this is no excuse ... :)

I know that kind of structure is not very conventional in English ... but the music is more latin/french ... too emotional ... too melodic ... swaying and twirling ... perhpas I did not do it justice ... :)

( Posted by: waelnawara [Member] On: December 1, 2008 )

reply to 'odd structure'
Music melodies and lyrical tunes. There's another area to rote by. Yes, I can't account for your creative flair and creative temprament. Read too much into E.E. Cummings. And read too much into BV. Although, written verse and written lyrics can seem and sound similar in delivery.

Sure, I see most of Bob Dylan's lyrics belonging to that extensive, elitist club of published poets. Just don't know if other people see verse and lyrics in the same serene-sense of sound as FE? All said, I love '' Lay Lady Lay, Lay'' by Bob. What'a catch a fire for waelnawara?

firstedition

( Posted by: firstedition [Member] On: December 1, 2008 )

verse and lyrics
For some reason I often find myself preferring to write lyrics - rather than verse ...

Thanks a lot for the insights ...
Also, I must thank you for your kind advice ...
I will gladly take it ... :)

( Posted by: waelnawara [Member] On: December 1, 2008 )

lyrics?
I have read this a number of times before I decided to remark. I like the conversational prose as universal in appeal but the refrain - I presume the 2 and 2 lines - don't sing easily for me and don't stick in my head. Maybe synthezize the feeling of the current refrain and come up with something that economically says what you want and sings easy. Try to make the listener's head snap back and say 'Oh yeah I know how that feels.' I'm with FE that the words are real "love songy" but that's okay.

( Posted by: jonpenny [Member] On: December 1, 2008 )

two-liner
@ Jonpenny

Thanks for your thoughts ... I think you are right ... probably a two-liner chorus would sing better and stick to the listener's memory easier

( Posted by: waelnawara [Member] On: December 6, 2008 )

Get over it Man !
@ Eric

Yes ... unlike the stereotyping ... I have found that men are less capable of turning the page when an affair ends ... hence "I will survive" is sang by a female :)

OK ... I promise I will try to work on a male version

:)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

( Posted by: waelnawara [Member] On: December 6, 2008 )

Millions of Fish in the Sea!
Absolutely Chloe!

Both you and your dad are right. There are so many fishes in the sea ... and there is no time to waste crying over the ones which are not for you ...


The challenge is to find a matching fish ...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Chloe ... and I look forward to reading your posts and poems

All the best

:)

( Posted by: waelnawara [Member] On: December 6, 2008 )





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