September 31, 2010- Hunting in the Alaskan woodlands, VP Sarah Palin shot one of her hunting companions and closest friends, Dr. Bridget Tunoweir in the face.
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“I thought she was a moose with lipstick. After all, it is mating season, and a moose or a girl’s gotta do what she must to get elected, I mean selected”, said Palin, adding that Dr. Tunoweir ”has put on a couple hundred pounds since college, but she has, or had such a pretty face until I shot it. Something big moved so I shot it. If you’re not with me, you’re game. Stay behind me, bitch, or you’ll get shot. And that bitch had no biz saying she wouldn’t vote for me on GMA before the 2008 election, and then come hunting with me? I had that bitch in my bead-”
Her press advisor, Carrot Top, interrupted at that point with a lame routine utilizing aborted fetuses, lipstick, and a half-billion dollar bridge. “I’m much better at this than at comedy”, he continued.
Nobody in the press cared to press on. There were no follow-up questions as Ms. Palin cleaned her concealed weapons while Carrot Top and Dr. Tonoweir changed their shorts.
Dr. Tonoweir apologized for standing in Ms. Palin's line of fire. "Sarah field-dresses LIVE moose. She rides teams of sled dogs over her opponents. You've got to love her- or else.."
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesman and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do."
- Ralph 'Where's Waldo' Emerson
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like. And I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
- Bilbo Baggins