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Soft moon shadows cast
Dark across the summer grass.
Your presence nears
And echoes silent in my ears.
Stillness accentuates my heart beat,
Cool the grass, bare my feet.
My body shivers on breaths breeze,
Your soft whispers amongst the trees.
Firm and strong supports the bark.
Our heightened senses in the dark.
With passions pleasures overcome,
Still moments as the rising sun
Sparkles gold upon your skin.
Fulfilment of our love within.



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Comments

The following comments are for "PASSIONS PLEASURES"
by HdotOdotWard

Dear H.O.
I enjoyed the music in this when I read it aloud.
I would, however, like to make a couple of suggestions:
Try transposing lines 5 and 6. It fits better with the preceding lines to have a shorter line before the longer.
"Amongst," though it sounds pleasingly assonant with "whispers," is an archaic word that you might want to reconsider.
I am not sure I understood about the supporting bark, but I liked the line that followed:
"Our heightened senses in the dark."

( Posted by: poeteye [Member] On: August 12, 2008 )

poewhit
" cool the grass, my bare feet " - I like that line, I could feel it reading the poem.

( Posted by: poewhit [Member] On: August 16, 2008 )

Steady there Poewhit
I like twist of words there - cool the grass, my bare . . . for a moment there I was with ya and the poem tends to draw you in that direction with the descriptive pleasure but I'm pleased you recovered well and got back on your feet!

( Posted by: HdotOdotWARD [Member] On: September 1, 2008 )

liked it
Enjoyed it immensely but felt the line 'firm and strong supports the bark' lets it down a bit. I understand you want to maintain the rhyming scheme aa,bb,cc, etc. and bark rhymes with dark in the next line. But sometimes it's better not to get carried away with the idea that you must rhyme at all costs.
If I may make a suggestion:
Take out 'firm and strong etc.' Use 'heightened senses in the dark' as the start of a second stanza.
At the start of the poem, try 'The moon casts soft shadows across summer grass' as your first line then you're left with the rhyming scheme, a, bb,cc,dd, in the first stanza and e,ff,gg in the last stanza.
As always, it's your work and you can take or leave advice as you wish.
take care
Paul

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: March 7, 2009 )





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