Once again like chapter 5, chapter 7 might offend some people, but it's an important part of the story, so i had to fit it in.
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The clock read 8:51 p.m.
I was so uninterested in my mother’s home; I decided to take a walk.
The air was thick with the heat of an impending summer. This year, my summer would most likely be spent the same way as it always is. Sitting at my house, napping, watching soap operas and eating constantly while my brain turns into paste. Betsy will go off by herself, Curtis will talk loudly and hang with the bothersome children across the street, Francis will participate in the local drama club at the high school and Nadine will ‘hang with her girlfriends’ and by that I mean stay over at Tyrone’s apartment and take part in drug usage. My dad will stay the same, writing homilies and running the bible camp at the church. My mom will most likely sit on her bony ass and drink until she passes out and then she’ll forget to call Bobbi for money to pay the electric bill.
Summer wasn’t what I would call exhilarating but it was better than being in school with the ugly preps and arrogant jocks. I didn’t even have a label, I just was alone. That girl whose dad is the pastor, the girl whose sister is really hot and the girl who didn’t shave her legs until 8th grade. My dad thought he was keeping me from growing up too fast, I, on the other hand, thought he was forcing me to look like a bear.
I strolled along the sidewalk and down the street. The houses I passed were so plain; they all were built the same way, with a small porch, two big windows between hefty shudders and a chimney on the right side of the house. My mother’s house was no different.
I heard faint music is the distant, sounded like a party was going on. I bet the party was at Gretchen’s house. Gretchen was a spoiled bitch from my school. She weighed about 100 lbs yet she had gigantic boobs and didn’t hesitate to flaunt them. Her fried blonde hair was obviously dyed that way and her skin resembled leather, not to mention her eyebrows looked like they were drawn on with a fine tip sharpie. As the music grew louder I realized that the party was indeed at Gretchen’s house. Cars filled her driveway and spilled over into the street.
There it was! The red car belonging to Steve. I knew that car’s exterior like the back of my hand. It looked so beautiful as I imagined its owner sitting in the front seat and zipping down the street with no limitations. That meant Steve, gorgeous Steve was inside that house. One thing was between that godly creature and me, a burgundy front door.
No one noticed me in school, so why would anyone notice me if I walked into a crammed party, filled with drunken, self-centered assholes?
I casually walked up to the door, making sure to be hidden behind three girls from my school. They were the known as the ‘soccer hotties’. Kelsey, Shannon and Molly. They were connected by the arms and were dressed in short jean skirts showing off their tan muscular legs. Behind them, I was clothed in a pair of saggy black denim jeans, low-top red converse and an oversized navy blue Boston sweatshirt.
Without drawing any attention to myself, I entered the house and I slipped into a corner near the coat rack and stood there alone. I searched the room for Steve. I didn’t see him. Oh God, I knew this was a mistake. When I saw what I thought was his car I should’ve looked inside of it to see if anything proved that he was the actually owner.
Then at that moment, I saw him. Everything was perfect. He took his time walking over to the punch bowl and leaned against the table it was sitting upon. He was so suave and carefree. He lit a cigarette and inhaled slowly. He scanned the room as if to find something to entice him. Oh no, his eyes were moving towards me, I looked like crap. I tried to stand cool. His eyes met mine. With arms crossed and my head tilted I starred right back at him. He grinned and lifted his fingers to wave me over. Holy fuck, was this actually happening, or was it just another one of my crazy illusions, again? I looked behind me to make sure that I was the person he was waving over; no one else was there. I gulped and started my trek across the living room of Gretchen’s house. Each step seemed like an eternity. When I finally reached Steve he didn’t flinch. He merely squinted his eyes and took a drag from his cigarette.
“You go to my school, right?” he asked.
“Uh huh,” I shook my head up and down.
Oh my God was he saying that it was cool that I went to his school!?
“This party’s lame,” he stated
Steve looked around my head and then back at me, “you wanna go somewhere?”
I gulped and shook my head in a yes.
Steve motioned for me to follow him. He dove into a cluster of people, some I knew and some were unfamiliar. I trailed along behind him following his black smooth hair through he crowd with my eyes. He walked into a semi-large bathroom. Did he want me to go in, or did he actually have to pee? I decided against him urinating and nervously walked into the bathroom with him. I laced my fingers in front of my body. My palms were sweating and my teeth were chattering.
“Close the door,” Steve commanded
I closed it reluctantly.
Steve sat down on the toilet and looked up at me.
“Take off your sweatshirt.”
I did what he said.
My hands shook as I undid the fastener. Soon I would be about 50% exposed; I closed my eyes and dropped it to the floor.
“And the rest.”
I could feel my armpits tingling with sweat as I did what he told me. I felt like I was getting undressed in a stadium full of people. That was it. Now I was standing, bare as a newborn, in front of Steve. He wore a straight face, I’m sure he wasn’t pleased by my body.
“Get on the floor,” he instructed me with his eyes.
I kneeled down onto the cold tile and laid straight on my back. I had goose bumps all over my skin. He stood over me as he pulled down his jeans to his knees. I could feel my heart beating at the speed of light. I wondered if Steve could hear it.
He kneeled over me and put out his cigarette on the tile.
I looked at his face; he looked angry and wouldn’t dare to look down at me. I felt ashamed and stared at a soap sitting on the sink. It was shaped like a fish.
I prayed to God to end this. This was nothing like the love scenes in the movies. I certainly was not enjoying it. I transferred my thoughts to the fish soap I had come to name Newman.
Newman looked about 3 inches tall and 2 inches wide. He was a light blue and his scales had been worn down from rubbing on people’s hands. I wondered what he smelled like. I bet that it was baby powder.
Steve got up on his knees. He wiped the sweat off of his forehead and zipped up his jeans. He stood up and looked into the mirror and played with his hair. He was about to walk out of the bathroom when he turned around to look down at me on the floor, he shook his head, almost to say “I can’t believe I just did that.” Then he walked out and closed the door behind him.
I got up onto my knees, reached out and locked the door. I leaned my back against the wall. It was gone forever. I was no longer innocent. With that thought, I started to tear up. I sat there unclothed on the floor and cried. I had always imagined myself losing my virginity to Steve. But it had been in a bed, with him tenderly caressing my body and slowly taking in the moment, not lying on a bathroom floor with him refusing to look at me. I had just had sex for the first time in my life with someone who didn’t give a fuck about me; he just wanted to fulfill his sexual urges quickly with whoever was alone and near him. I laid down on the floor, held in my knees and continued to sob. The cold tile felt good against my burning face.
Not before long I slipped into my clothes and left the bathroom. I was invisible. With my head hung low I trudged out of the house and started on my way home. It was dark and chilly, there was no moon. Had that actually just happened?
counted the number of pebbles I saw of the sidewalk; by the time I had reached my house I had counted 93 of them. I stopped before I entered my house. Would anyone be able to tell that I had just become a woman? I shook off the thought and opened the door. It was quiet. Francis and Curtis were watching TV and Betsy was asleep on the floor. Francis talked to me, without taking his eyes away from the television.
“Where were you?”
“Out on a walk, where’s mom?”
“Ah, I think she’s sleeping.”
“Oh good, I’m going to bed.”
“Are you okay?” Francis looked over at me.
“Yeah, why?” I blurted out fast.
“I don’t know, you seem to be all jittery.”
“Well, I’m not, goodnight.”
I walked away from the living room and peered into Nadine’s room, it was empty. She was probably at Tyrone’s house. I wished that she‘d been home. As much as she had pissed me off the last few days, I kind of wanted to talk to her about this. I stepped into my bedroom, undressed and then went to throw my clothing into the wash. I wanted anything that reminded me of this night to be cleaned. I felt like throwing myself into the washing machine too.
Lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and made a silent act of contrition. Even though I wasn’t the most religious person, I still felt like I had sinned. I fell asleep that night tied and sore.
God, I’m sorry
Today should’ve been a school day, but we had it off for a teacher’s workshop.
Teacher’s workshop? Bull. I bet those ‘teachers’ just sat around, drank coffee and watched Dr. Phil.
Whatever, a day off was a day off.
“Hurry up, I told Dad we’d be there by 1!” Nadine yelled while jingling her car keys.
It was 2:15 p.m.
I walked out of my room with a duffle bag in hand. Francis was ready and rearing to go.
“Come on Curtis and Betsy, we haven’t seen Dad all weekend,” Francis called out.
Yeah. I’m sure that’s why he wanted to get back. It didn’t have anything to do with the Jake Gyllenhaal poster hanging on the back of his bedroom door. Not a thing.
Betsy and Curtis walked out of their rooms just as Pam sleepily walked out of hers.
“Okay let’s go,” Nadine instructed.
“Will ya hold on for a sec? Mommy needs to say goodbye to her babies,” Mom said.
Why did she always refer to herself in the third person?
My mom hugged Curtis tight and then kissed Betsy on the forehead. Betsy immediately wiped her face off. Francis started to walk away.
“Ill be in the car,” Francis stated.
“What, you got a hot date?” my mom asked sarcastically.
Yeah, with Jake.
“No,” he stammered.
“Come here,” my mother kissed and hugged Francis.
“Nadine, get over here you skinny little bitch,” my mother laughed. Nadine wasn’t amused.
My mother pulled her close and went to kiss her; Nadine stopped Pam’s lips with her hand and patted her cheek smiling. My mom looked disappointed and then preceded to slap Nadine’s butt when she walked away in a sad attempt to play along with Nadine’s ‘little game’. Nadine made a gagging noise.
Curtis, Betsy and Francis followed Nadine out the door to the Saab. I stayed to say goodbye.
My mother hugged me and held on tight. She refused to let go when I pulled away. I heard a whimper. Oh no. Was she crying? She went limp.
“Oh Lily, I love you more than anything, I hope you know that,” my mother sobbed.
“Eh huh,” I cringed as I felt her tears on my back.
“I just try so hard and I feel like you give me nothing back.”
She squeezed tighter. She smelled like burnt rubber.
“I’m so tired,” she cried.
Then go to sleep and let go of me.
“Of what?” I asked.
“Of life,” she croaked.
Okay then, what the Hell do you expect me to do about that?
“I gotta go,” I pulled away.
“Just like everyone in my life.”
“Um. Ill see you later then?”
“For sure,” my mother smiled, “Lily, I wish I had boobs like you, so firm.”
“Yeah, I’ll uh see you later.”
Pam took her hands off my back and held my face in her hands. They were warm and dry. Her face was beat red and her eyes were bloodshot. The black eyeliner from her eyelids was smeared on her upper cheeks. She attempted to kiss the space between my two eyebrows, but missed and ended up kissing my right eye. My eye stung seeing as that it was partially open when she kissed it.
I backed away. My mother looked so sad and lonely. I always tried to remind myself that she put that upon herself, but it was hard when I saw her so miserable. I turned my back to her and made sure to step over the sleeping Smokey. Had he eaten this weekend?
Nadine pulled the car into my Dad’s driveway, next to Fay’s white Jetta. I instantly frowned upon seeing her presence at my house. I walked into the house only to have JoJo jump to hug me. I had to restrain from pushing him off forcefully.
“Lily! I love you!” Jojo screamed.
“Aw, isn’t that so cute?” Fay smiled.
Like Hell it’s cute, get this poorly named roach off me.
I twisted out of Jojo’s hold and looked around for Thomas. I didn’t see him.
“Where is your other kid?” I asked Fay coldly.
“You mean Thomas?” Fay inquired.
Yes you stupid bitch, who else would I mean?
“Uh Huh,” I nodded.
“Oh, he’s at his father’s house.”
So her children have two different fathers. Dad really picked a winner.
Fay and Jojo were making me feel uncomfortable in my own house. My dad was sitting on the couch watching television with Fay and Jojo was sitting on the floor playing with a toy tractor my father probably bought him. I came to my father’s to escape Pamela, not to have fun time with Jojo and Fay.
I slinked up the stairs into my room. I turned on my radio and sat on my bed for three hours. I didn’t want to go downstairs and hang out with the visitors so I planned to wait in my room until they left. Sadly I was never rewarded with Fay and Jojo disappearing. At 6 pm my bedroom door flew open to reveal a grinning Jojo.
“Dinner ready!” he yelled at me.
“Ok,” I frowned.
He turned to walk back downstairs. I didn’t follow.
“Aren’t you coming?”
“I’m not hungry.”
Cause you and your bitch of a mother won’t leave.
“Come on!” Jojo pulled at my arm.
I yanked it away, his hands were wet.
“Get off me.”
“Pastor Randy!” Jojo screamed, “Lily won’t come with me”
“And she told me to shut up!” Jojo yelled down the stairs.
Oh my God, that little ass wipe.
“Now why would she do that?” my father called up to me, “come on Jojo, I’ll go and get her.”
My father walked up the stairs and patted Jojo on the back.
“Lily?” my father peered into my room, “why won’t you come down for dinner?”
“I told Jojo I wasn’t hungry.”
“You’ve been up here all day, now stop being Mrs. Gloomy and eat with your family.”
How dare he call them my family.
“Fay cooked pierogies!” my father persuaded.
“I’m not hungry, I said, now please leave me alone,” I turned my back to my dad.
“Hey,” my dad touched my shoulder, “are you feeling okay?”
No I’m not; you are replacing us with Fay and her bastard child.
“Yeah, I just want to sleep.”
My father acquiesced and walked out of my room, closing the door gently.
I wanted to scream. How could he do this? My father was forcing this woman and her child onto us like some kind of new food. ‘Try it, you’ll like it.’ ‘No I won’t like it!’
I made a silent pack with myself to never accept Fay, Thomas or Jojo.
That night they stayed until midnight. Jojo had even brought his ‘jammies’ to put on because they were staying past his bedtime. They should never be staying so late that Jojo has to get ready at my house for bedtime at his own. I heard Fay call up to me in my bedroom around 12:00am “Goodnight Lillian!”. I didn’t answer. I hated her. I hated Jojo and I hated my father for bringing them to us. I could feel it in the air. This was the start of a whole new life at my dad’s house. A life consisting of Fay and Jojo 24/7.
Just shoot me now.
God bless the radio.