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NB: old thing

...


We walked a mile
In Mormon silence
The doctor and me
In the mad house grounds

I told a joke
But Kilbride didn’t laugh
It transpired too late
He was a protestant man.

Saint John’s looms large
And unfriendly

A dirty, down-at-
heel Dunsinane,
Beset by scarecrow cedars

I am a reluctant stoic,
Practice
Non-consensual
Heroism.

Saint John’s door is an empty hearth
A dark cold grate where a fire went out

The windows are sightless and sad
The white-washed brick-
work pitted and leprous

The whole façade is
A fallen face
Angry with unintelligence.

I live here now
Where ugliness squats
Concocting its victories

And we who have become lost
Feel fear

Fear in its worst form is misery magnified.

We walked a mile
In Mormon silence
The doctor and me
In the mad house grounds

Saint John’s opens outwards
Like a get well card
Like a breast plate unfastened
For autopsy

The great iron gates
Make me think of
Saint Peter

If his job were to keep
People in and not out

Not even the plant life
Humours me

Death did me no favours
In his last-
minute shirking

Something else sees me through now,
Something cold to the touch.

We are all canted
Toward the infinite

We should address ourselves
To that

Saint John’s shakes loose
The formality of
Standing still

Bares its barred windows
Like teeth

Shows its true face.

I am outnumbered here
By adjectival embarrassments

They give their
Professional reasons
For something they
Cannot hold
In their hand-

They do not understand
They only overstand.

We walked a mile
In Mormon silence
The doctor and me
In the mad house grounds

Before returning to
Inconclusive rooms
To apologise
To the unmade bed
For dreaming only
Briefly

Saint John’s swallows me
To sleep, story numb
Grieving my missionary precautions
The loss of my killing coping.

Doctor Kilbride,
His magnanimous waxing
Slight and false
In the fasting drum of
My inner ear

Gives me good advice,
Sound and meaningless
Puts me in my proper place

I smile, faintly
For the war he’s won
Without knowing

And ‘cause Saint John’s at least
Is better than jail.


------
The human race, the only race I know where everybody loses.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Saint John's"
by AuldMiseryGuts

The house that insanity built...
WOW! I got a lot out of this piece I'm now wondring if it's just me or my own past that connects my thoughts the way that you have with this piece, I'm wondering if it's just me or if it's really happening to you or has happened, in either case...I agree.

I love your choice of words your mind is beautiful. Dark at times but none-the-less, beautiful.

( Posted by: LMJ [Member] On: May 30, 2008 )

LMJ
thank you kindly. glad this resonated with you. I tend to write stuff that makes sense to me and then worry if it will be meaningful or intelligible to anyone else… nice to know I succeeded, in some way, with this…

I’m lucky in that this place is behind me now, although a wise man once said that the trouble with putting things behind you is that they’re a better position to creep up and stab you in the back… something like that, anyway… point being, occasionally the past resurfaces, and does so to its own agenda… memories we could all do without…

thank you for finding beauty here. beauty is redemptive, I think.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: May 30, 2008 )

There you go again Shannon!
Hi Shannon...This moved me to tears...again!!..lately, most of your work does, both for its poignancy and absolute beauty.
Most great authors were tortured souls who left us with the fruits of their sadness, and hopefully, were themselves comforted by it.

As always, you are in my thougts and prayers.

Bea

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: May 30, 2008 )

sorry, Bea
seems it's misery margarine time again… I’ve been feeling a bit up and down lately, but then, writing is better than the alternative, better for me at any rate… and having kind friends to wish me well, that helps too, thank you…

missed hearing your poetic voice around here. hope you come back and visit us soon. best to ye.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: May 31, 2008 )

I am a reluctant stoic
Think death did ME a favor in leaving you where you needed to be. I'm sure Doctor Kilbride takes credit too but it's all about me, dammit!

This poem reads like a prologue to a movie. Not sure what kind of movie yet but it would be a dramatic one.

I recently wrote that I don't much care for sharing poems I wrote during lowpoints because they remind me of where I don't want to be. But in your case, they seem to serve a greater purpose. Your poems are your battle scars.

I read this poem with images of death running from you, quick to catch someone weaker. Which reminds me, did you get around to reading "The Book Thief"? Recommended it months ago. You probably found something else to read but I think you'll like it.

Thanks for sharing this "old thing."

( Posted by: desvelado [Member] On: May 31, 2008 )

of books and battle scars
loved The Book Thief. C bought it me, for Christmas, I think, but I only recently got around to reading it. you were right, of course, just my sort of thing, don’t know what took me so long…

of battle scars I often wonder if writing doesn't make things worse. used the phrase "emotional scab-picking" to describe my out-pourings more than once... that said, there are times when I find it helpful, just to put a bit of distance between me and "it", like a poem is a way I have of cutting the past in to more manageable bite-sized chunks, I don't know... I always feel like a bit of a whore, writing my past miseries for public consumption... don't suppose I'll ever feel one-hundred percent comfortable. suppose comfortable isn't a pre-requisite of poetry....

hey, mister script writer, you should write that movie... the life and times of Blanche O’ SomethingIrish ;)

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: June 1, 2008 )

Emotional scab-picking
St. John's / jail...hummm..yea I agree it is better than jail. Other's are incapable of understanding the desperation of attempts to die by our own hands unless they've been there. It is a terrifying option. However only terrifying later down the road if we do not succeed. and for two reasons only...
1) the thought of failure and having to continue on a f@#ked up journey we do not want and 2) the true meaning to actually SUCCEED! Well...for me it is.

I, for one am grateful that you were not successful. What is one of the rare things that have the ability to define beauty on this realm....Words! Words of the mind, body and soul. And these glorious gifts would not be possible if not for the poet. You are such a poet. With gifts that help define the DEFINITION of beauty! Did i say that to where you understand what I mean?

I too have a definition similar to your "emotional scab-picking"

Mine is "Emotional vomit" paints a lovely picture, huh?

For all your pains and sorrows I am here if ever you need an ear...ANYTIME!

xoxo

( Posted by: TAMMYHENDRIX [Member] On: June 1, 2008 )

book clubs for whores
Ya know, in order for me to write a biopic of that amazing Irish writer, Shannon O'Dubhuir, I'd have to know everything - including age!

Glad to hear you enjoyed The Book Thief. Try "The Shadow of the Wind." Feels like Francisco's Book Club. At least I'm no closeted lesbian like Oprah - who attacks others for not being entirely honest!

Oh, and haven't done much script writing. Saw Indy 4 and was relieved to see it was a big joke because the crystal skulls are a big part of the script I've focused most of time on. But as it's written, it wouldn't come out 'til 2012 anyway so I have time to finesse it.

( Posted by: desvelado [Member] On: June 1, 2008 )

Wait a minute now Des
...I too have seen Indy 4 and I thought it was AWESOME!! Did you like the first Three?

Of course the old boy's moving a little slower these days. But damn if Mr.Ford don't still look very fine. And I am familiar and intrigued by the Skulls but I don't think the purpose of the movie was to state facts. It was using more of a....."artistic" view.

Now...if you are working on something concerning the Crystal Skulls...I wanna read it...think that's possible? If not...no worries.

Is there an alterior motive behind the set date of 2012?

( Posted by: TAMMYHENDRIX [Member] On: June 1, 2008 )

AULD...
1)I live here now
Where ugliness squats
Concocting its victories
...really thought provoking! who's ugliness it's or the ugliness inside?
It could go either way.

2)I am outnumbered here
By adjectival embarrassments

yeah, yep...exactly..been here!

3)I smile, faintly
For the war he’s won
Without knowing

I can actually see the smile (smirk) on your face I know that smile, oh so well.

I re-read this pieceand there really is so much here I really like it the ins and outs the realizations the imagery. I agree with Des, it reads like a prolouge to a movie. or th eback cover of a book any way it's a really tight piece I think it could be performed in many lights.

keep it tight!

( Posted by: LMJ [Member] On: June 3, 2008 )

phantom of the Oprah
Tammy, "Emotional vomit" ... yeah, you and me sure do have a way with words, hu? ;) what you say is true, that frightening realisation of what “could” have happened… although there are days that doesn’t bother me as much as I know that it probably should… but I’m in a better place now. I have my moments, but at least I know when I’m having them now, and I know that they pass. I’m still capable of doing stupid, destructive and messy things, but my bids for oblivion are less frequent and less spectacular than they used to be... thanks for the offer of an ear, and for understanding. bless ye

Francisco, hummm, you know, only one person is privy to all that sensitive biographical information. you’d have to ask her ;) … not that a biopic of my life would be especially entertaining… probably best to stick to crystal skulls… they have more mass appeal… they’re better looking for one thing ;) …

will check out that book... eventually... you think Oprah's bad you should check out the British equivillant. Richard and Judy *shudders* the horror, the horror...

LMJ, thank you for your thoughtful comments and in-depth reading of this. I’m glad you could get so much out of it. the very best to ye, my friend.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: June 3, 2008 )

vomiting exhibitionist whore
...is that how you feel about it, eh? Nothing wrong with what you do, and I hope you continue to do more of it. I very much relate to this piece of yours, funny, but the use of St. John reminded me of the herb St. John's wort which is a natural remedy used in clinical "depression". I don't know if that had that double meaning to you or not, just sharing that I picked up on that. Yes, once again, I must apologize for not being here more often, my time is consumed in long commutes between home and hospital these days. But the good news is that I am back with my Lama and my spiritual pilgrimage is in full swing once again. Interesting that Tammy referred to it as emotional vomit...that has been my coined term for quite some time regarding let it come out, literally speaking. Purging can be quite healthy and certainly make you feel much better afterwards. Again, thanks for sharing so much of your talented self. You are always a pleasure (experience extraordinaire) to read. Namaste;-)

PS--here, since you asked and you said you felt you were prying, but you are not prying, your are just a curious soul like me, so I am happy to share this info with you. This is my Dharma center journey of mystical real life characters, including my Lama Wangchen, his teacher Kalu of Kagyu Tibetan lineage, and the young incarnation of the new Kalu, plus the ( using layman terms and understanding-- "golden child") which is the new Karmapa. I am going to be going to LA soon to meet with Lama again soon. All good things:

http://mahavajra.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=17&Itemid=29

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 3, 2008 )

Lena


great to hear from you again, my friend. and you’re so right, what you say about the positive, cleansing qualities of purging, as opposed to the negative aspects… I don’t think “emotional vomit” is necessarily a bad thing… it’s just a seriously unpretty way of describing an equally unpretty- but often essential- process…

love what you were able to draw from and bring to that. funny, because I used to take Saint John’s wort, although I didn’t make the connection when writing this… duh! that’s me being thick, I guess… you know Saint John of God was hisself committed to a mental hospital for a stint… fitting, hu…?

glad to know that your journey continues and that you will meet with you Lama again soon. blessing and good health to you and to yours my friend, and thank you for taking the time to stop by.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: June 4, 2008 )

Lena check your PM
I have something I need to address with you. I have sent you a PM

( Posted by: TAMMYHENDRIX [Member] On: June 4, 2008 )

address it here...we here at the Lit.Org are all just one big happy family with no se
and besides there was nothing in my pm from you?

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 4, 2008 )

Thank you Shannon....
Your good wishes and blessings are truly appreciated, dear friend. Yes, I am quite excited about going to go see Lama again...it was wonderful speaking to him after all these years.
Namaste

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 4, 2008 )

Well here you go, Lena
OK Lena I'm fine with bringing this up here I just thought this would be more appropriate in private.

First I don't understand what happen to the PM, my apologize, now...

Above are comments that have caused me to be VERY concerned. I truly hope to be wrong about this. I'm not very happy about making enemies with someone I don't even know and someone who sure as hell doesn't know me.

"vomiting exhibitionist whore"??

To whom are you referring? Now I'll be the first to admit, when it comes to my writings; to issues I address in my works I can be VERY sensitive and perhaps a little defensive...no that's a lie I am VERY defensive but this seems to be a cheap stab at me?! Now let me explain why I took it this way:

1)I noticed you commented on my emotional vomit reference. There's vomiting.

2)I am fully aware that my works are very open and often graphic. However everything I've submitted has been accepted. Maybe it's not every bodies taste but to be honest, I don't mean to offend anyone but hey shit happens! If someone doesn't like what I write...don't read me!

It feels as if perhaps, in your opinion, that you view some of my pieces to be...?....too openly sexual? And if that's the case then your opinion of me would be "exhibitionist whore"??

Let's get this straight...yea I'm VERY open about the issues I address in my pieces but I have EARNED that right! My writings concerning sex and/or my sexuality are something that has been EXTREMELY therapeutic for me. I have major issues with dealing with this topic but in my writings I can just let it out. And in doing so I have managed to grow as a woman far more than I actually have in life. I'm 45 years old and in facing these issues this is how I choose to do it. I do this for ME. Not for the viewing pleasures of others. And I care about people far, FAR too much to purposely offend or cause harm. But at my age and as well as this has worked for me, not to mention the positive feedback that I would NEVER get otherwise keeping these things silent, I have NO intentions of shutting up EVER again! Not anymore; not for anyone, ever! I am telling you this because I want you to know where I'm coming from and why I am so open in my pieces. Now if, and I mean IF these are the reasons for your, "vomiting exhibitionist whore" comment?....then??

I would hope that you'd be HONEST and address me directly if you are offended or view me in such a manner but hey, like I said I don't know you and most people are not straight forward so I don't know whether or not you would.

And if you are well...I'm sorry I mean you no harm but...that's your problem. I'm facing my problems in a way that's good for me and this IS for ME and I would suggest you do the same. I also would suggest that you not read my works if they bother you. However, as I stated previously, I admit to being sensitive and if this is merely coincidental...then I do sincerely apologize.

In any case this has REALLY upset me and is an issue that I felt it very necessary to straighten out. I hope to hear from you asap but if I should not then I got the message. Hopefully....you got mine!

( Posted by: TAMMYHENDRIX [Member] On: June 5, 2008 )

I have NO idea how you read into this....
"vomiting exhibitionist whore" was in no way a reference to you and how you projected that into some personal attack against you is beyond me. That was meant as a joke between me and Shannon. I think Shannon understood what I meant and my sense of humor. I'm sorry you got so upset about something that had nothing to do with you and without even one thought of you in mind, except that I did mentioned I use the term "vomit as in emotional verbal vomit" like you used in your comment to Shannon, that is all that reference connection meant....anyone who knows my writing knows this about me, in fact I just recently wrote a rant that used such "vomit" terminology.

I don't even know you, why in the world would you take anything I say in such a personal manner? Glad you let it out because obviously you really read A LOT into NOTHING and that concerns me that a complete stranger would accuse me of a personal attack out of the blue for no reasonable sense of cause.

So, enough please. All this to do about all that you have laid out is in no way a part of my universe or in anyway about you.

By the way, any rumors you may have heard about me from whomever (for there are rumor whispers among some of the old league of Lit.Org) are not true, and at the very least coming from a place of probably wanting to start shit where there is none. I hope that is not the case. I don't know you, you don't know me. Now what the fuck is all this accusatory nonsense?


I wish you the best.


Blessings and Namaste

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 5, 2008 )

I owe you an apology Lena
Lena this IS NOT me accusing you of anything this is me defending what appeared to be a shitty attack from someone that does not know me and vice versa. My impression was that I was being attacked by YOU. And, as I made certain to let know, I ADMIT I get defensive about my works. And if that were the case then, also as I stated, I apologize. I am certainly not above making a mistake. In fact I pretty damn good at blaming myself for EVERYTHING! Now apparently I am wrong in my perceptions but I think every human being walking this earth has at one point or another encountered someone who would behave in such a hateful manner towards them and not really know a thing about them. Has there not been someone thats been ugly to you and not even know you? It would be a wonderful thing if we humans were not this way but unfortunately we are. I AM NOT one of them so please don't think that I was attempting to do you harm. I obviously got the vomit from the comments agreed? But I suppose I did look too much into the other and that's probably to do with the nagging conscience in my head that tells me what I'm writing is bad/wrong and I should stop. In other words this is MY thing and it's something I'm going to have to work out for myself and I'm sorry that I brought you into something that apparently doesn't have anything to do with you. Like I said TOO DAMN SENSITIVE.

Now on the other subject...I have NO idea what YOUR talking about. I have corresponded with no one concerning you. I am close to only two people here and I am not one to behave that way in the first place. I DO NOT listen to what others say. I see with my own eyes; hear with my own ears and form ideas of someone based on MY observations. I have encountered FAR too many people who have eventually proven themselves to NOT be trustworthy. BUT that is precisely what I'm referring to, an attack to cause harm to another.

So...here we are...I misunderstood and over reacted to nothing and... now you also? If you stop to think about it thats actually pretty funny.

One last time I do apologize and as you stated enough.

( Posted by: TAMMYHENDRIX [Member] On: June 5, 2008 )

Thick Skin...
I accept your apology.

Like with how you reacted with Lucie (Windchime) recently, you read into something that was not here and was not meant as an insult to you. But in regards to your ending remark back to me here,that I over reacted? No, Tammy I did not over react. What I said has to do with my experience here at the Lit.Org that goes back many years. I too see and know what goes on around here and know beyond most what really goes on around here...I am no fool. And again, that was not an attack on you...so no further comment on that subject is not necessary since you are a "newbie" here at the Lit.Org, and really have no idea of it's history and darker moments, nor do you really need to know. What is important is the now. The here and now is all there is. Welcome to the Lit.Org by the way, I noticed you were quickly welcomed by most, especially by Beatrice Boyle. That was sweet of Bea and some of the others to be so welcoming to you right away. That has not always been the case for other "newbies" here at the Lit.Org. Sometimes, to be truthful, many new people have just been outright ignored and snubbed by the old timers of the Lit.Org, and of course I have no idea why, some are welcomed so easily and others are not, but maybe it is because of your outgoing personality. I mean you really fill up the pages with your bubbly personality. I love interesting outspoken personalities, so consider that a compliment.

But the "Thick skin" advice that RCallaci gave you today is good advice, RCallaci gave me that same advice a long time ago and I hope you learn from his advice. It took me a while to catch on. I am a slow learner (sometimes) and I paid a heavy price for allowing myself to get all riled up about things...but eventually I figured it all out. Now my skin is as thick as mammoth hide. Can't touch this.

Blessings to you and yours,

Namaste

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 27, 2008 )

Thick skin comment....
(my above comment was meant for Tammy Hendrix)

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 27, 2008 )

Tammy RE: http://www.lit.org/view.php?viewid=42430
I refer to the comments made by to Lucie at that link-

http://www.lit.org/view.php?viewid=42430

As far as critiques go around here, Lucie is the best. I trust and love Lucie as a real person, a good person, and someone who does not look down on anyone. If anything, Lucie is more than compassionate and respectful of all sentient beings beyond most.

Namaste

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: June 27, 2008 )

Right on about Lucie, Lina!
You took the words right out of my mouth re: Lucie. A dear friend, and most importantly, the most compassionate person I've ever met...she has to be...surrounded by death and dying every day. This coupled with her literary talent, and sweet nature, and generousity of spirit, makes me proud to be her friend!

Bea

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: June 27, 2008 )

Shannon, Lena, Bea
So sorry, Shannon, that I must use your post and comment thread, but my name appears here and I can't very well disregard that...

Lena and Bea, girls, let's do lunch! (How I would love that, in real life!) I promise I will do something about my bad hair day before showing up to meet you...Thank you both for being my friends, for understanding my presences as well as my absences here, and for loving me anyway. I sure do love you both!

Shannon, it's not like me to comment on comments and not the work, but I may surprise you and return here to leave an actual comment on your poem...

Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: June 27, 2008 )

Shannon at St.John's
Thank God I came back here to read, and to get my eyes pried open! I will, I swear, never, ever overstand. I've never been "there", always have been on the salaried side of "us" and "them", and I'm going back again now after a ten year absence.
I love neologisms. I love overstand. (I'm proud of my "revastated").
I love that there is a refrain and I love that this refrain takes on the cadence of walking a silent mile.
There are places where it reads like a diary entry, but I suppose it should...It's difficult for me because I don't live in the narratives, I only work there. I get to sign off to the next shift and go home.

"We are all canted
Toward the infinite"

is, indeed, very cold to the touch. And shivering for it, and being hungry for it, is meant to feel good. We just don't know that, most days...

"Puts me in my proper place": no psychiatrist does that, my friend, they put you in your common place. You put you in your proper place.

Yeah, in jail you don't get to walk a mile, round and round the exercise yard, because you're not outside long enough...Or, because you use up your exercise time to fight, get a broken jaw and end up with a white coat holding a flashlight over your eye...Been there too, used to be a prison nurse...

"In the fasting drum of
My inner ear":

this is a vivid, sonorous image that reverberates in many ways.

Thank you for the wisdom contained in here which I will need as working tools.

Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: June 29, 2008 )





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