one night with K
by AuldMiseryGuts (Member) - published: May 25, 2008
Word Count: 283 Word Bytes: 1911 Viewed: 131 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by AuldMiseryGuts

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NB: haven't posted in a while, but I promised I'd post this. not feeling too comfortable... be gentle with me.

...

You bathed my head
The day I gave blood

And stray cats sat
On the bare forearms of the
Chestnut tree
That banged against your window

That tree,
The only thing growing
On your street
As ugly as a big toe,
Skinny as a breadline widower

Those cats,
Angry in that tree,
Eyes as big as
English opium eaters
Saucering, sceptically hungry.

Back home, you said
We used to sleep on the roof
In the summer

And I imagine the split sacks,
The smell of skin,
The mess of men and
Little licey children

You had to chase sleep then,
Fight it from the handfists of
Cheap and harsh and petty wakefulness

And the garish straights
Where even at midnight
A man could get a shave and a tattoo too.

I wish I could remember
The name for baby
In your native language

What you called me when
I lay on the striped sheets
And held the nothing that I knew
As soft and loose as hair in my hands

The stray cats started
When the curtains blew,
And you singing Frankie and Johnny
‘Cause you just learned it that day

You told me you’d never hurt me,
I could do as I pleased
But when sleep came and took me
You held fast to my open eyes
Like a jealous lover
And you wouldn’t stop talking.

I let my own song
Float up the river long ago
Did it meet you where you are now
Can the folks in that other hot place
Tell that you’re not
One of them?

------
The human race, the only race I know where everybody loses.

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Comments

The following comments are for "one night with K"
by AuldMiseryGuts

one night with K
Frankie and Johnny were lovers...."you told me you'd never hurt me"...memory lane of non-regrets and wondering?
Beautiful poetry, re-read it several times, but my initial feelings only grew stronger upon each reading. Now, you tell me more, please~

Blessings

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: May 26, 2008 )

Special K
That other hot place, huh? Been there, done that. Consider me your guide.

Started reading this yesterday but this was so far and above what I expected that it left me at a loss for words.

Not sure who K is but he/she sounds like someone who made promises with every intention of breaking them.

Beaufiful and what I have come to expect from you. Anything less would be uncivilised...

Like the note that precedes the poem. Gentle, eh? Would that be a reference to kid gloves commentary or something, say...a bit more missionary?

( Posted by: desvelado [Member] On: May 26, 2008 )

thanking two
Lena, really missed you lately, wondered often what you've been up to but didn't want to intrude, 'specially not the way I've been feeling, mired in destructive self-pity... still, glad to be back in the game, and glad to find you here... you know, I loved K to pieces… looking back, the worst thing he ever did was leave. he has another two poems here. one is "five views of K", I don't remember what the other one was called…

Francisco, thanks for checking this out. you know, I’d like to think he never meant to hurt me… or I him… we were a bad idea, a misaffection, in the worst possible way…

thank you for finding beauty here. it’s the only thing I’ve written lately that I’ve been remotely happy with. I finally feel like I’m clawing my way back out of the slump I’ve been stuck in… slowly…

and yeah, I meant the commentary… honest ;) … although I don’t expect kid gloves, just not bare knuckles either, please…

thank you to both of you. all the best.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: May 27, 2008 )

Moment poems are tough
Shannon: I enjoy narrative poems that try to capture a particular snapshot in time of a meaningful "happening." I tend to call these "moment poems" when I write them.

They're tough for a couple reasons. First, as someone who uses metaphor frequently and very well, you know that setting metaphor within action can be tricky. The more action, the trickier the choice and placement becomes, as the metaphors have to work against multiple actions.

There is some really lovely stuff in here, on both the narrative and metaphoric sides of the fence. My concern is that the metaphors may be overwhelming the action, especially as the action is (as I read it) metaphoric on some level, too. It ends up being a bit too much texture for a subject that reads pretty sparsely. That is, for a joyous, full-bodied, romp through a subject, loading up on metaphors can be like a buffet of imagery. For darker, more serious and grim subjects, all that metaphoric load can seem (to me) to be like an art deco from on an x-ray or a bouquet of flowers as the bad-news telegram is delivered.

Towards that end, I wonder what this piece would look like with just the narrative. I've taken the HUGE liberty (forgive, forgive) of trying that out:

* * * * * *

You bathed my head
The day I gave blood

And stray cats sat
On the bare forearms of the
Chestnut tree
(the only thing growing
on your street)
that banged against your window
Angry, hungry

Back home, you said
We used to sleep on the roof
In the summer

And I imagine the split sacks,
The smell of skin,
The mess of men and
Little licey children

You had to chase sleep then,
Where even at midnight
A man could get a shave and a tattoo too.

I wish I could remember
The name for baby
In your native language
What you called me when
I lay on the striped sheets

The stray cats started
When the curtains blew,
And you singing Frankie and Johnny
‘Cause you just learned it that day

You told me you’d never hurt me,
I could do as I pleased
But when sleep came and took me
You held fast to my open eyes
And you wouldn’t stop talking.

* * * * * *

Is there something missing from the original? Yes, of course. Especially the entire last stanza ;-)
But that was a pretty cryptic chunk, for me at least, and I'm not sure that the body of the piece doesn't resonate more (again, for me) when it's left as a dedicated narrative.

These, as always, are just thoughts and ideas to place against work that is already good.

Thanks for the chance to do so.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: June 3, 2008 )

Andy, taking liberties

take as many as you like. here, have mine, I'm not using them for anything! ;) ...

think you say a true thing about the balancing act between metaphor and narrative. love the "art deco from on an x-ray..." comparison. there's probably a poem in there too...

I like my metaphors, and I find it a real discipline to do without them. trying to lately, at least to some degree, going for a more stripped-down look to my last couple of posts, but I still find the excessive, sprawling helpful for the initial penning process… then its always helpful to go back and refine… and refine again… and again… and… you get the idea…

think the narrative-only version works better? probably… almost definitely… but an edit that extreme takes some getting used to. think I’ll go back and work with this one again, and definitely bare your astute suggestions in mind when I do…

your criticisms are always useful and to the point, Andy. you’ve got an enviable critical/ analytical faculty. I always take your comments with me and apply them to future pieces. thank YOU for that opportunity, and for all your invaluable help. best to ye.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: June 4, 2008 )

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