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Jessie and I were taking about sex the other day. I’ve known Jessie for almost ten years and we’ve talked about almost everything. He’s a handsome fellow accustomed to getting more ass than a toilet seat. Jessie’s a good friend. My name is Ed.
It seems Jessie had a new girlfriend. Her name was Maria. They were introduced by a mutual acquaintance one sunny afternoon at a cockfight somewhere in Riverside County. He told me she was beautiful with eyes as dark as sin. Jessie immediately fell in love with Maria. They drank beer all day and ended up getting–it-on in the back of Jessie’s primer-colored F-150 pickup. “She was like a strange wild animal.” he said.
The next morning, Jessie was accosted in the driveway of the trailer park where he lived by a knife-wielding manic wearing a worn out Hell’s Angles jacket.
“Leave Maria alone,” warned the knife-wielding maniac wearing a worn out Hell’s Angels jacket, “or I cut your balls off and shove em down your throat.”
Now Jessie’s no stranger to such behavior - but he admitted he was a little shook up. He called and asked if he could borrow my Smith and Wesson M&P 9mm for a little while. I told him sure and had my son run it over to him.
I didn’t hear from Jessie for about two weeks. Then one night he called and told me he’d spotted the knife-wielding maniac wearing a worn out Hell’s Angels jacket at a seedy little bar on the outskirts of town known as The Library. Apparently he didn’t see Jessie. When he left, Jessie followed him out to the parking lot and jammed the muzzle of the Smith and Wesson into his gut.
“You should’a seen the look on his fuckin face,” laughed Jessie. “I thought he was gonna shit a brick.”
Maria called Jessie later that night. She was very drunk and upset. “Did you have to pull a gun on him?” she cried. Maria was also confused. She couldn’t tell if she was more pissed off or turned on. “You better get your ass over here and help me figure this out,” she told Jessie
He didn’t waste any time – Jessie jumped in his truck and raced down the street through a couple of stop signs. A cop pulled him over and noticed the loaded pistol Jessie had absentmindedly tossed on the passenger seat. The cop arrested Jessie and charged him as felon in possession of a firearm, reckless driving, and DUI.
Eventually Jessie called and asked me to bail him out. He told me to get Maria and come pick him up. First I drove downtown to the bail bondsman next to the court house. My ex-wife works there. She took one look at me and gave me the stink-eye. “Let me guess,” she said sarcastically. “Your friend got himself arrested again, right?” I told her to shut the fuck up and finish the paper work. Then I hit the road, picked up Maria, and we drove down to the county jail.
It took a couple of hours but Jessie finally got released. It was good to see him and I shook is hand - Maria hugged him tightly. We were just about to leave when a cop started talking shit to Maria. The cop said she fit the description of a wanted drug dealer and arrested her on the spot. Maria was being lead away when Jessie turned and shouted, “Don’t worry, baby. I’ll hook you up with my attorney. “
Jessie never saw Maria again, but he’s doing just fine. Jessie and his third wife, Darlene, have reconciled. Darlene is six months pregnant and has moved back into their trailer. Jessie’s excited because he reckons there’s about a 75% chance the kid is his. I’m really excited too. Jessie’s a good friend. I know he’ll make a wonderful father.