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7jonpenny

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The pain of eating loved meat, i can't descibe
Like feeding off the carcass that once kept me alive
My lover wasnt born a lion
and if you're not a lion you're a prey

I feed off him sobbing my way through joints
crying at his weakness, but im triumphant in my game
My instinct is strong, he doesnt know
The girl he loves so much, can never love him so.

I was born a lion, and at 19 of age i see my mane
My nature compells me, there is no other way
i am a woman, a deadlier being was never made.




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The following comments are for "Born a Lion"
by Shaza89

I still think
"I was born a lion, and at 19 of age i see my mane" is a stronger closing line than the more literal "a deadlier being was never made." I think this is because the former is more imaginatively/ figuratively stronger, and has a more vivid, animalistic association. I'm not sure you need to use the word "woman" because here, in the internal anthropomorphic world of the poem "lion" stands for "woman", if you see what I mean…? sorry if that doesn’t make any sense, I’m on a lot of medication at the moment and it isn’t always very conducive to coherence… but anyway…

I do like this version, although I’d still keep the last line from the first draft, I think it’s pulled together much tighter, which is good. thanks for reposting this re-working.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: March 6, 2008 )

LIONESS
This is why I hate smokin weed with women... I knew I wasnt just being paranoid... Nice poem brutal and honest...

( Posted by: kilgoretrout [Member] On: March 6, 2008 )

of lions..
Shaza-
Agree with Shannon..'woman' is not needed.."I was born.." line would make strongest ending..

Enjoyed read..

Keep putting pen to paper,
Robert William

( Posted by: Bobby7L [Member] On: March 9, 2008 )





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