Homebound II
by BWOz (Member) - published: November 12, 2007
Word Count: 216 Word Bytes: 1362 Viewed: 193 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by BWOz

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A.N. What a difference a year makes. I submitted "Homebound" a year ago -- much more free floating that this version. It was very well received by my lit buddies, and thanks. Now, a year later I have a complete re-write in which I tried to improve some lines but got carried away. If I call it Homebound II maybe I can try a trilogy. But, as titles often confound me I am undecided, thinking that perhaps "Thistles" or "Cobwebs" might be more fitting.

Homebound II

Aunt Liona said “when that Spanish moss sway
in the dead-calm air like that it mean the Lord calling someone home”.
She rose from her porch rocker and went in to the kitchen.

I stayed on the porch with Gran-ma, held her hand,
watched for the moss to move. Tall weeds
tapped against the nailed-shut bedroom window,
so weather stained and cob webbed and greasy with age.

“Thistles! Thistles!” Gran-ma’s raspy words were
whispers at first, then filled the dead-calm of my own thoughts.
Her mouth trembled for more words to say; her watery eyes,
still clear and starlit, gazed across the years.

She drifted back to the tilled rows, the new fields
where her girl-self flew kites. No cobwebs out there.
She smiled and let out more twine.

------
The worst thing in the world is the homesickness that comes over a man occasionally when he is at home.

- E. W. Howe

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Comments

The following comments are for "Homebound II"
by BWOz

Homebound II
I really like your way of writing BWOz. It's like reading a story with a poems heart. (whatever that means) I love your subject matter, love the ghostly mystery and the emotion. The very essence of the lives you are describing come through and make it so real. Robert.

( Posted by: robnjop [Member] On: November 12, 2007 )

this still
gives me a shiver, so atmospheric it is. I half want to see these reminiscences worked in to a longer piece, a story perhaps, ‘cause I know you do those well too… but that’s probably just me being selfish. thank you for posting these redrafts here, always good to read you.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: November 13, 2007 )

No cobwebs out there.
Makes me shiver, too.

This tugs at my mind-strings, makes me feel like there's something big here that I can't quite grasp. A passage of time, the ability to see everything as everyone sees you - old and wrinkled, perhaps - as well as the ability to look back and see everything as it was and a contentment in knowing the choice is yours.

Does that make sense? I should lay off the sinus meds.

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: November 13, 2007 )

Thanks all
thank you all for reading and comments. Glad this struck a good chord.

Robert: thank you for the ego boost on my style of writing. I have not taken many course on writing, just read what I like and try to improve how I get meaning across. I have, over the years, come to rely on very simple word choices whenever possible. My technique (its a secret, don't tell anyone) is to use as many solid one-syllable words as possible to describe the characters, the scenery, the situations. I usually means I must use a few more words, but I think it helps me keep a good rhythm and reader can digest those simple meanings much easier. Plus, it lends a very simplistic hue to most writing. I am a fan of the "good old days" type of literature.

Shannon: so very glad you got shivers. that really means a lot to me, boosts my ego big time. I do try to capture bits and pieces of larger stories in most of my poems. You do that so well in your writing, as I've mentioned many times. You can write a novel in the space of five or six stanzas. Honestly, I think I would really screw this up, or at least twist it around to being something very different if I tried to lengthen it. In fact, as I mentioned in the preview this version stems from my earlier Homebound poem and I didn't include the orgininal here because they are so different -- no comparison at all. I think I'll stick with this one though. Thanks so much.

Mehgan: You nailed it; it is something big -- it is the passage of time. I introduced Aunt Liona (a real Aunt's name from Mom's side), combined with Gran-ma, and narrator as a younger character. that is the span of three generations, makes the poem move forward even though the action is very slow and deliberate. I don't know how I did it, but as soon as I had the first two stanzas down it hit me -- something told me "now just concentrate on Gran-ma".

I also used the dead-calm reference twice, the nailed-shut, and girl-self hyphenated words. When I dropped the hyphens those references got lost in the scene, when I put them in I noticed the pace was more prounounced (and slow) and then the girl-self reference at the end launched that time element again. I hate to analyze poems, especially my own. But you hit it square on the head, it is about time and it is about something bigger than all of us.

thanks for reading and commenting.

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: November 14, 2007 )

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