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Dear reader, I cannot possibly conceive, with all prior intelligence necessary, that I can decipher with probable analysis, that the most obtuse animal in the Fauna Taxonomy is the cow. Now, I say most obtuse merely because these animals, like their brethren — sheep, horses, donkeys, lambs, pigs, and chickens — only graze. Not that grazing isn’t important, but it is altogether a boring idea. Cattle, from my intricate observations, are typically lazy creatures that lay upon their udders and stomachs, soaking in the sun all the live-long-day. I understand you think I am outlandish, but I tell you, dear reader, that I have created a full report of my findings, which I believe you will find interesting. I shall call my report, if you will, “An Observation of Cattle, being Conceived of only Cows — the Most Obtuse Creature in Fauna Taxonomy.”
In the great city of Bovine, within the great island-country of Moo-o-nopolis, reside with great pride and fertility, a society of cows. I stress this word, for I happened upon this fair city, and observed these kine for myself. Most of them were zebra-colored — usually a large, rotund, barrel-shaped abdomen with black splodge. Some are light brown with white splodge. In Bovine, it constantly rained; there was no sun, no flora, no trees. There was just miles of hills with an infinite layer of green grass. These cows lay in the rain, on their stomachs, staring at each other like idiots. From what I had observed, there were no other life, or for that matter, cities. I proceeded, nonetheless, with my excursion, and I entered the fields of grass and atrocious stool.
Out in the distance, I saw a large metallic shaft protruding from one of the hilltops. This gray-layered shaft had upon its opening a large blue megaphone, which screamed the most audacious of words that I had ever heard in my life:
“How now, brown cow?”
This phrase confused me immensely. Most of the cattle were zebra-coated. From what I had seen, there were only about three brown-coated cows. The megaphone repeated this phrase several times, in intervals of four times per minute! I surveyed the foreign land for any source of intelligent life—and my thoughts had granted me my wish—and it was right under the very tip of my large nose. From behind the authoritarian megaphone came the silhouette of a figure. The figure was taller than I was, bipedal, but its hands could serve as “paws,” or “hooves.”
This figure came into full view before my eyes. It, like the idiots grazing in the field, was a cow. However, unlike its brethren, it was standing on its hind legs. It was zebra-coated. Its nose, square-shaped, was colored the most grotesque of pink. Its hooves were as black as soot. Its underbelly was colored beige, and its hideously pink utter waved as the thing walked. Its eyes, large, pupil-less, and black, stared right at my very own. Between its short, stubby horns lay a golden crown, carved magnificently and with care. It wore a brown cape, which covered nearly the whole of its back; its tail waved in the breeze.
This thing approached me, and spoke in the most-hideous of voices:
“What brings thee there, mine lad? From whence did thou conclude?”
Clearing my throat, I answered “From the fair and bright city of Upper-Egg, near the country of St. Bernard.”
“Oft! I see that thee haft traveled far; hark! Hear thy brothers speak, for thou shalt seek to understand them!”
After the thing had spoken its undecipherable Shakespearean tongue, I heard all of the grazing idiots on the field moo in unison (and forgive me for doing this, dear reader)—more accurately, it sounded more like meroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now this man-cow, as I shall call it, walked forward some more, then unleashed its mighty roar (which was nothing more than a loud moo) and confronted me. It breathed in my face, the breath hot and putrid, and licked its pink nose.
“What is this place?” I asked it. “And who are you? What is your purpose in the great city of Bovine?”
“Thou shalt understand when the time is right,” it said. “To answer thy question of who I shalt be, I shalt answer thee with purpose. I am King Moo XXVI. Mine kingdom is fair and balanced—for they hath seen the Glory of the LORD Most High!”
“Fair and balanced?” I gasped, raising my hands above my head. “Frankly, King Moo XXVI, but your kingdom is nothing more than idiotic cattle who graze all day! What, in the name of Alexander the Great, is this place? It is nothing more than infinite hills of mooing cows!”
“Ah, but thee are wrong, lad,” replied the monarch. “Mine kingdom has a zoo out yonder. It showcases other wildlife. Thou shalt take a look, and open thy eyes to your arrogance.”
“Forgive me, Your Highness,” I said, bowing. “Please lead me to this zoo. I wish to observe other life in their natural habitats. I do praise your people for their grazing, but I must see other forms of life before I lose my wits!”
And so the cow-monarch led me through the fields, past the megaphone, and into the city streets of Bovine.
* * *
“This animal is indeed a strange one. Nonetheless, it is important for us to understand that they form an important part to our kingdom. This animal is called H. Sapiens sapiens, commonly called MAN, or likewise, MANKIND. Please observe this magnificent creature in his natural habitat. Please, no touching the glass—and no feeding. It disturbs the animals.”
When I had seen this devilish sight, my heart raced. I saw a naked man inside a barred cage. The cage was made to look like living-quarters, complete with a couch, armchair, table, carpeting, television, and a refrigerator. This man was sitting upon the armchair, staring into my sad, melancholy eyes. I had my fingers wrapped around the bars. It was a sad sight, indeed—seeing my own people locked inside a cage for all eternity! Around me were more cows, standing on fours. They mooed with delight. The rain continued to pour.
The cow-monarch stood behind me, still breathing heavy. I turned to face this ghastly lusus naturae, kneeling, pleading, and tears coming to my eyes. I cried hard, knowing that it could be I behind those bars. I bowed before the monstrosity, and spoke with soft words.
“Why is this so?” I asked, clenching my fists. “Why is a man locked away for infinity behind those gray bars?”
“Be it so,” said the cow, “that Man deserves his fate. He does unto others as others shalt do unto him.”
Thinking of the cow’s words, I said, “This is Man’s fate? Being locked behind bars forever?”
“Thou art foolish,” the thing replied. “Mankind is doomed to face the evils that he has placed unto us all. Thy bay-windows shalt become grounded meat and formed into patties. Thou shalt observe these things, if thou art wise. How not be cowardly?”
Frightened, I screamed bloody murder. I shrieked in fear. Soon, I was surrounded by an infinite, ceaseless cord of moo—and at length, I dashed away. As I ran, I thought of the cow’s haunting words. Mankind shall be locked behind bars forever, so that their bay-windows shall become beef-patties stuffed between two slices of bread! The scorn! The horror! The utterable fright! I ran like a madman—I had to! And, behold, I ceased my toil. I kneeled down on a hill of grass, looking up at the rainy sky. I did so, and I saw a face of another cow! It spoke to me...but its words were prophetic, toneless, indefinite!
“Absurdity—the definition of MANKIND—is such sweet sorrow!”
Hearing the cow from the heavens, I heard a rapid stampede from behind me. I turned, and I saw these deranged, horrific cattle marching up from the summit of the hill. They bellowed that obnoxious, terrifying void of moo! I ran, as fast as my legs could take me. Under the melancholy clouds of the rain, I fell, flat upon my face. I rolled down the slope of the grassy hill, still listening to that nightmarish cry. I stopped at my own summit, and when I had risen from the grass (my clothes stained a putrid green), I saw before me another cow—however, this one was speakably different. Now, reader, bear with me. This cow, if I shall call it that, was an assembly of many things—it was a monster from the crypts of Satan’s ugly mind! It bore the barrel-shaped body of the cow (and colored like a zebra), with the hooves and legs. Its head was very humanlike, as much as I scorn this fantasy!—I saw it—it was human! This thing was stuffed between two halves of a sesame-seed roll. Its tail waved. This thing—if I can bear it any longer!—distinctly, plainly, ferociously uttered that annoying cry of moo!
Horrified, I screamed and could only stare at this monstrosity before me. And, as my soul permits me, I stared long and hard in this thing’s eyes, the stampede of cows slowly approaching me. I observed its intricate body—its human-head—its tail! Oh how I am damned for eternity! My suffering is everlasting. And now, dear reader, before I finish my nightmarish tale, I tell you—as sure as I am sane—that I shall never again poke fun of a living creature for the rest of my damnation! The stampede was finally behind me. I felt the hot breaths of the cows! Their constant, ceaseless mooing! The clomping of the hooves!
When the noises had ceased forever, I stood up and still saw this thing in front of me. However, it joined the unison of the other cows in the detestable cry of moo. And behold, as I stood there in my personal hell, I felt the perimeter of my head. My heart pounded. I sweated. I wanted to cry. Instead, I screamed bloody murder. I grasped the sides of my head, and I forever ran in an elusive, dizzying circle! I continuously screamed, my cries horrific and piercing. My dear reader, let this be a lesson learned. Before I tell you what my head had become, let me say this: if you are damned because of ferocious remarks or poking fun of your brethren, cease it at once! For, as the great king of Moo-o-noplis had stated, “Man shall do unto others as others shall do unto him.”
My head had become, from the fiery crypts of Hell, the very essence of a cow! I shall now forever, for all eternity, emit that horrific, nightmarish, detestable, annoying cry of moo!
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