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Autumn
by BWOz (Member) - published: October 7, 2007
Word Count: 120 Word Bytes: 995 Viewed: 310 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by BWOz





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AN: A reposting of a previous effort, hopefully incorporating many of your fine suggestions/thought/ideas. Version 1 from about a year ago, this time of year. Version 2, today.

Version 2:

Autumn

Summer struts in dormant fields
boasting of seasoned grasses that
roll on tides of wind, dried brown.

The sun rides the shorter sky now.
Autumn’s sway is like a mistress
who resides out beyond town's margin.

She seduces men with a sultry yield of
pumpkin, squash, apples and corn,
and the mysterious gourd.

She winks, letting go October
And we follow.





Version 1:

Autumn

Summer lies forgotten
in far away fields

The busy Sun
Rides the shorter sky now
She winks
Letting go October

And we must follow




------
The worst thing in the world is the homesickness that comes over a man occasionally when he is at home.

- E. W. Howe



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Comments

The following comments are for "Autumn"
by BWOz

Autumn
I again love both!

Although this time I'm firmly of a mind to choose your rewrite, if a choice had to be made.

This one brings to mind images my own might not have come to without your vivid details - the sultry yield of harvest... how beautiful!

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )

seduced by sun

awesome!

loved muchly how you developed and fleshed out that metaphor, particularly the “…like a mistress/
who resides out beyond town's margin…”, something other about her, forbidden, not quite wholesome...

fan of that “sultry yield” too, a fantastic way of describing autumn’s abundance… brilliant, painterly poem… timely too. thanks for this.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )

The Season
Thank you China and Shannon;

Yes, it is seasonal, and on purpose as far as that goes. Appreciate the reading and comments. I got a lot of good suggestions on the original posting and played with them for many months. I'm not sure if this version is the best, for me. I tried to steer away from cliche, but it is difficult to not go there when the subject is one that is so "seasonal" and common place.

On the other hand, I personally don't mind a little bit of predictability and cliche in poetry as long as they are tasteful, purposeful (not just to make rhyme or to otherwise grandize a situation for affect).

I did add the bit about the mysterious gourd -- maybe way-cliche there, but mom and dad always had those weird things growing and I never did know what their purpose is, except as decoration.

Well, in the seasonal spirit, the temps have finally cooled off here in the southern desert, in the low 50's last night, so I am on my way out to take the dogs for a romp in the lower grass fields a few miles from the house. I can feel safe that there won't be any rattlers out, its been cool at night for a couple of weeks now.

thanks for the reading and comments.

BW

( Posted by: bwoz [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )

boasting of seasoned poems
Been reading a lot here this morning, but feeling too fragile and addle-brained to write any energetic comments. (No, not alcohol, just... autumn? And no crucial cup of morning tea yet.) Fortunately it's not beyond me to say that this time, at odds with your previous rewrite, I much prefer the second version. The first seems incomplete and lacks the fleshed-out (but not overdone) wholeness of the second. This time, I feel you've pursued the thought just far enough but not too far. Of course, most poems and poetic processes are continua not quanta (a shame, since the quanta seem so much the best?), so you may very well post a third and prove me wrong...

( Posted by: mobiussoul [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )

Brian's Autumn
I like version two much better! It shows two seasons invested in the four that make up the year. One of them struts and the other sways! How lyrically dramatic and transporting!!!

I like your choice of seductive and sultry for Autumn.

I also like that you dropped "must" and stayed with "follow". This is liberating rather than constraining, or inevitable.

Than you!

Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )

BWOz...
Version 2 gets my vote again...cool. Autumn is indeed here, and soon the veil between the worlds will be quite thin.

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )

The "Seasoned" amung us
Thank you soul, Lucie, Lhamo:

As always, the comments bolster my spirits and will to write. I think I'll let this one sit another year or so, it might be in its final version now.

Yes, Lucie, the Autumn/Summer relationship is kind of what I really wanted to present, although the title is only Autumn. As you are so able, you have once again disected one of my poems in such a wholesome (decent) fashion that I realize I do have some good bits in there that I didn't realize meant as much as you pointed out. I always hope some "good" meaning is revealed -- of course, thanks to yours and others' previous comments the feedback more or less rewrote this version.

If you recall my previous (recent) posting of Contemplation, about crossing the frozen lake, and the warm kitchen.... that is my offering to the winter season. Again, trying to steer away from cliche, and again the commentors pointed out things about that poem I had not really considered.

I have considered writing a "Spring" piece to complete a "Four Seasons" theme, and boy that topic is really difficult to tackle without getting mushy, cliche, and overly sentimental (I've got the mental part down pat, tho).

I think it is great, and that I am very fortunate to have comments like Chinadoll's -- she sees "beauty" in the use of sultry as a discriptive, and Shannon who points out the metaphor of the mistress and how "Sultry yield" brings to mind the abundance of harvest. And Lucie's sharp perception that picked up the "Strus/Sways" relationship and she describes as "transporting" -- that is really perceptive. I would never think of that word to describe what I wanted to convey, but it is the precise word that describes what I intended. Thanks Lucie.

As you all probably know from my comments, in general, I beleive that written words should have an element of movement and motion; words on page should travel just as they do on air waves when spoken. I hope I caught some of that with this poem,

thanks all for the good thoughts and open minds.

BW

( Posted by: bwoz [Member] On: October 8, 2007 )





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