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It is creeping... I can feel it,
this thing that won't let
me rest and forces me to
stay up and sit.

Everytime the night falls,
it seems to take full control
of my body
as I tend to roam the halls.

With its force it pulls me in,
and I seem to allow it-
Yet, I want to shout from within.

I want to dream of things and places,
but all I do is reminisce
about the familiar faces.

When will it stop and set me free?
I am tired, sad, and confused
because it just won't let me be...

------
AN


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Comments

The following comments are for "Insomnia"
by Zia

Insomnia
Hi Zia!

I think this is a fine start, but needs a little polishing.

I like the first stanza. The line breaks are placed efficiently - they took a sentence and gave it breath and made it ... well, twitchy. Like a mind spent and exhausted from lack of sleep.

Second stanza, though, something falls off. It doesn't settle well with me. Maybe it's the combination of "it seems" and "I tend" - it makes me wonder, well, is it? Are you? I think it would move along better if at least one took decisive action.

I see the same ordeal in the third stanza.

With its force it pulls me in,
and I seem to allow it-
Yet, I want to shout from within.

I like the thought of being forcefully pulled in. I think you should go with that - maybe paint the insomnia as a growling slave driver, insisting that you will not sleep so long as it's around. Don't seem to allow it - succumb to it, uselessly rail against it, struggle in vain and cry out to an unconcerned audience!

Again, I think it's a great start, and I thank you for sharing. Feel free to ignore my critique - I haven't exactly been a star performer these days. :)

Thanks once more and take care,
Meghan

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: October 3, 2007 )

Sleep Deprived
I am familiar with this feeling, this knawing impedament to a restful night...
I particularly like the third stanza-

"With its force it pulls me in,
and I seem to allow it-
Yet, I want to shout from within."

Seeming to "allow" it, yet railing against it, desperately wanting to just sleep!

I think you captured it fairly well although the desperation I feel, at times, is more meloncholy with you.

Thanks for sharing this, and I hope you get a good night's sleep and dream sweet dreams-

-Elizabeth

( Posted by: emaks [Member] On: October 3, 2007 )

I can't get No sleep...
I know it has taken me a while to respond.
Still, thanks to all those who have taken the time
to read what I call "my starting point".
--Meghan:Thank you for showing me
a thing or two on how to make my
work better. Feel free to "critique"
all you want. After all, this is why
I joined the lit family in hopes that
my work can evolve just as I have in
the past five years or so. Thanks
again. I look foward in hearing from
you..
--Elizabeth:Being sleep deprived is what I have
come to cope with. I call it my
love/hate relationship with my body.
During my late night restlessness I
have come to the conclusion that I am
more aware of my capabilities. Even
if it's only in my mind. Thank you for
commenting on this piece.
Take care :)
--Desvelado:NO, thank you for inspiring me.
I have read some of your work, &
have found it very compellng. As far
as no sleep. You should try it once in
a while. You might be surprised at
what can be accomplished during this
"amusing phase". Thanks for sharing
your thoughts.

( Posted by: zia [Member] On: October 10, 2007 )

I can't get No sleep...
I know it has taken me a while to respond.
Still, thanks to all those who have taken the time
to read what I call "my starting point".
--Meghan:Thank you for showing me
a thing or two on how to make my
work better. Feel free to "critique"
all you want. After all, this is why
I joined the lit family in hopes that
my work can evolve just as I have in
the past five years or so. Thanks
again. I look foward in hearing from
you..
--Elizabeth:Being sleep deprived is what I have
come to cope with. I call it my
love/hate relationship with my body.
During my late night restlessness I
have come to the conclusion that I am
more aware of my capabilities. Even
if it's only in my mind. Thank you for
commenting on this piece.
Take care :)
--Desvelado:NO, thank you for inspiring me.
I have read some of your work, &
have found it very compellng. As far
as no sleep. You should try it once in
a while. You might be surprised at
what can be accomplished during this
"amusing phase". Thanks for sharing
your thoughts.

( Posted by: zia [Member] On: October 10, 2007 )

the curse the curse of Zia & Lit.Org....
Insomnia seems to be a curse for some Lit.Org members, I remember a couple of members from way back when who suffered severe insomnia; members, -Macbeth- & -Dareva- (Darlene) as I recall.

But yes, creativity can come from sleep deprivation, just look at this poem of yours inspired by being up during the wee hours. Great start, as Meghan has already said, and I agree with her and the rest, it needs a little polishing, so that it has less of a journal entry feeling to it, almost a little too much teen angst sound to it, but it is a nice poem, I enjoyed reading it. I think Meghan's suggests are right on target, so I have nothing more to add.

Keep writing.

Blessings!

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: October 10, 2007 )





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