Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

Of late
youíve been suddenly seized
with sincerity,
Seized with the impulse to hold me
til breathing is stifled.

Always outclassed on the tennis court,
Iím as inadequate fielding your eulogies
Meager returns falling woefully short
of your eagerly volleyed hyperbole.
Darling, Iím sorry.
Instinct mistrusts protestations
made more to convince the protestor
than win the convinced protestee.

Yet your hands on my waist
and your head on my chest
(that unknowable fragile bulletproof head
with its prickle of stubble through silk)
In their weight and their warmth
these feel honest enough:
Iíll buy false guarantees
from your body my love,
in the dark.

Though in darkness your eyes thrash
as fierce and fast
as two tadpoles constrained before birth
under thin jellied lids.
What is brewing beneath?
Conjoured up by what troublesome tweak
from your pale puppeteer
in the childproof vial?

Your lord-of-misrule puppeteer,
who dabbles at night
through your mannekin mind.
Who sets you a-fire and a-jerk and a-blaze
with a chemical chiaroscuro
Iíve no way to follow.

Is he really to blame?
Does he hold all the cards
in this poker-eyed puppetry-game
I donít know how to play?
Who am I to mistrust?
Is it him, is that true?
If you canít pick the sucker at cards,
so they say, then itís you.

Related Items


The following comments are for "Pierrot"
by MobiusSoul

"suddenly seized with sincerity"
alliteration at its finest there...

hard pressed to pick a favourite line in thatÖ at the moment itís the phrase ďchemical chiaroscuroĒ, but only by a hairís breathÖ

these emotional processes are so intensely and meticulously observed itís almost scientific, on the one hand, on the other thereís this rich descriptiveness thatís almost unwieldyÖ I like that, I like unwieldy, and I like the way unwieldy combines with acute observation, not least because Self is observed as acutely as OtherÖ if that makes any sense at all [had way too much coffee]Ö

Iím going to come back to this, and my well comment again when my critical faculties are in finer fetterÖ Itís good to read you again, been much too long.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: September 24, 2007 )

I really liked how you ended this one; I've never heard that saying before. Don't know if you just made it up or not. An interesting read, all-around, however; definitely worth coming back to this one.

( Posted by: ghostpoisonsturgeon [Member] On: September 24, 2007 )

MobiusSoul's Pierrot
"Of late
youíve been suddenly seized
with sincerity,
Seized with the impulse to hold me
til breathing is stifled"

I love this first stanza, what a GREAT opening to this poetic story poem (it seems to me) that leads me through an intense inner view of poets eyes transferred to word. You've got some great images going here. I really like the puppeteer and the tadpole metaphors.

It's great to read you work here, and I am looking forward to more.

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: September 24, 2007 )

Yet your hands on my waist
and your head on my chest
(that unknowable fragile bulletproof head
with its prickle of stubble through silk)
In their weight and their warmth
these feel honest enough:
Iíll buy false guarantees
from your body my love,
in the dark.

Perfectly penned. Eloquent and honest. As said above, great metaphors and use of alliterative.

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: September 25, 2007 )

I very much like this -- as I like all your work -- but I have the feeling that this is slightly less than the final version; ie, it still feels a bit drafty. There are some very lovely bits that are moving and interesting and gripping, but (for me) they don't quite all hang together... yet.

There are a few too many metaphors dancing around here, perhaps. Puppets, poker, tennis, tadpoles. None of them bad, just... again... not pulled together enough to really make the whole thing ring. And the sometimes-rhyme was confusing to my tongue.

As always, I'm a bit hesitant to give critical feedback to one whose work I enjoy so much; I don't mean to discourage, you know that, eh? But only to tweak and to let you know I'm reading carefully. There's a lot going on here that intrigues and delights me; I'd love to see it after a bit more smoothing.

If I'm not being troublesome to you, and this is a piece you want to work on more, let me know and I'll bat it around with you.

Good to see you back.

( Posted by: andyhavens [Member] On: September 25, 2007 )

Pierrot: Andy & others
Thanks to all for reading and saying kind things.

AMG - the self-and-other observation or interplay is indeed key (I hope). Unwieldy, I'm not so sure I like, although this was never going to be neat 'moment' poem.
Ghost - the poker-related saying has been around a while: I vaguely think it was used in the movie Rounders, for example?

Andy: correct, this is rather 'unfinished' (for a fairly specific reason, I fear). Popping back in here and receiving several prodding messages to post more, I dug up this poem from many months' dormancy. (For the kind and the curious - I haven't had anything literary to say lately, which fortunately doesn't distress me much. Sometimes I have nothing to say for years :) I'm an unashamed dilettante rather than a 'true craftsman' who persistently writes for the exercise of it. For me, the results of that struggle are always depressingly bad...)

But back to the poem. This one at least has sincerity in its favour, and I do like most of the images, although the tennis line is a poor fit and poker could be culled if I could find a way to cover those ideas under the puppetry analogy. But the last verse is rotten: tacked on in exasperation because I have no neat closure to the issue I'm trying to write about. Does anyone else get this problem? When, although you have stuff to say, you're still too mired in it mentally to conclude the poem satisfactorily? I don't actually know what to say in the final verse, so unsurprisingly, it sucks a bit. Any suggestions on all this gratefully received!

( Posted by: mobiussoul [Member] On: September 26, 2007 )

Thanks Lucie
... for the painstaking critique.

I'm not sure I have a big problem with 'level 1', but I do take your point on 2,3 and 4. I think you're getting at some the same things Andy and Shannon mentioned - the uneven unwieldyness of certain lines and the presence of too many disparate poorly-strung-together ideas. Those things possibly could be fixed with work.

More troubling is '3': that you don't understand what I'm on about. It's true that the 'I' is simple while the 'you' is complex, because I'm trying to deal with the way that mental 'so-called-health' meds can mess with a person's character. Hence the puppeteer, erratic behaviour, dilemma over what (or who) to mistrust, etc. It's an issue I find impenetrable, and deeply distressing. But if I can't convey the complexity coherently here, without a prosaic explanation, then the poem is fatally flawed!

I don't have much luxury of time or inspiration at present, but if I come up with a better re-working, I'll certainly post it. And I'll try to 'be around' at least a little on the website too!

( Posted by: MobiusSoul [Member] On: September 28, 2007 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.