Contemplation
by BWOz (Member) - published: September 23, 2007
Word Count: 256 Word Bytes: 1891 Viewed: 212 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by BWOz

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A.N. I originally posted this about a year ago (9.25.06) and, as most poems never are really complete, I've revised it a couple of times. I have posted all three versions for your review.

Major changes: The title is now "Contemplation" because that is really the focus. I put it in first person, makes it clear whose problem this is. and I stretched out last stanza, added the contemplation there. Hope you like it, please be honest and let me know.
thanks

v.i (9/25/06)

Forgetting
Is like walking on an
Isolated frozen lake
Remembering
Is like a thermos of hot chocolate
And a sandwich

I wish I could forget
And still have the sandwich

v.ii (10/10/06 – 1/10/07)

Remember

Forgetting
Is like walking on an
isolated frozen lake.
You find yourself searching
the farther shore for lonely tracks
of an earlier crossing

Remembering
Is like a mug of hot chocolate
and a sandwich in a kitchen
where a dim radio
tells the news
and someone left a note.

I wish I could forget
And still have the sandwich

v.iii (9/23/07)

Contemplation

Forgetting
Is like walking on a frozen lake.
I find myself isolated,
searching the farther shore
for lonely tracks of an earlier crossing.

Remembering
Is like a mug of hot chocolate
and a sandwich in a kitchen
where a dim radio tells the news
and someone left a note.

Contemplating
I prefer the scenery of the forgotten
yet, I need the comfort of remembering.
I wish I could forget
and still have the sandwich.

------
The worst thing in the world is the homesickness that comes over a man occasionally when he is at home.

- E. W. Howe

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Comments

The following comments are for "Contemplation"
by BWOz

I think
I like the second version best, though I'm pressed to put my finger exactly on why… I think maybe I prefer the “You” to the “I”, because with the third person there’s a kind of abstraction/ detachment that seems apt for a guy walking on a frozen lake… I’m pretty clear already that the narrator is the “You”, the last two lines make it clear, if nothing else… but that might very well just be me…

I prefer the title now, “Contemplation” is much more open to the possibilities of both remembering and forgetting... I’m glad of the “lonely tracks of an earlier crossing” and the “dim radio” too, both seem kind of forlorn and rueful… shows that both remembering and forgetting have their price, and maybe there’s not such a difference between the two… bit of a double-edged sword sort of thing… or I’m reading this completely wrong…

I like this in all its forms, but the second works best for me… then again, I’m strange.

Good to read something from you again.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: September 24, 2007 )

Torn
..between the first and the second.

Yes, I actually like the rough draft more than the final finished draft.

The sparing use of words forces my head to kick into gear. I see the lake more clearly, dull with ice and dusty with snow. The thought of cold numbs my nose and seeps through my clothing.

I stand still for a moment.

And remember the darn thermos just sitting there, steaming away on the counter top.

I don't know. I like the sparsity in that first version; it seems colder, somehow, like the brain is sluggish with cold and there isn't much room save for moving one foot in front of the other and wishing you had the damn sandwich.

But I also like the second version, as well. It takes away some of my mind's pleasure in envisioning the scene you've set, but it does flow a little smoother, gives the reader a little more to chew on.

I'm with Shannon about the third version, though. First person isn't necessary. The last two lines turn out a brilliant performance.

( Posted by: chinadoll [Member] On: September 25, 2007 )

Thanks much
thank you Shannon and Chinadoll, and to JJD for a great rating.

Yes, I guess v2 is my selection then. I have a habit of writing in the abstract quite a bit, and in other writing forums I generally get slaughtered for not clearly defining each intended meaning or image.

Funny China, that you prefer the more sparse version because it engages your own imagination more. That is exactly why I tend to be abstract in most cases. It is a slipery slope because it normally does not work until I add enough detail so that it is not weird, but hold enough so readers' mind has something to do.

I get bored with some poetry that includes all the great detailed images. To me, the details often become abstract because I think "Hell, that's not what I think it is."

So then, great consensus (which I usually care nothing for), and it will be version #2, with the new title Contemplation -- or should it be Contemplating, or just Contemplate.....argh!!! I feel like Charlie Brown now.

thanks all

BW

( Posted by: BWOz [Member] On: September 25, 2007 )

i've returned
to your poem to "say" how much i enjoyed it and also to welcome you back (again). i always look forward to you posting new stuff, BWOz.

j.jd.

( Posted by: johnjohndoe [Member] On: September 26, 2007 )

Contemplating contemplation
For what it's worth, I like the first version by far the best, simply because it has an immediacy which the more worked-at versions lack. Chinadoll expresses this very eloquently - a more 'direct' version seem to me to be actually less 'abstract', not more.

Basically, I think 'moment-in-time' poems, like watercolour paintings, are seldom improved by tweaking. (My paintings are usually terrible, for exactly the same reason that my poems in this style rarely succeed...)

You have a great title and a great last line. I'd put as little distracting filler between the two as possible!

( Posted by: mobiussoul [Member] On: September 26, 2007 )

shorter works
Thanks JJD and mobious:

I agree with your points about the immediacy of the shorter version, and I suppose I can say that was my original intent, kind of.

Perhaps the shorter version #1 with the newer title of "Contemplation".

But then I think I am somewhat attached to the middle lines about the father shore and lonely tracks that reflect a little bit in the dim radio and a note left by someone.

I know it is not good to get attached to the lines, emotionally at least.

Its a tough call: thanks for reading and giving me more to think about.

BW

( Posted by: bwoz [Member] On: September 27, 2007 )

Brian contemplating
Well, I disagre with your earlier commenters on this, Brian: I like the third version best for its completeness. It ties up the thought processes into a neater package.

However, I would like to see most of the vertical pronoun gone:

out with "I find myself" in the first stanza;

in the third stanza, why not use the word "contemplating" as subject?

"Contemplating/prefers...yet needs..."

The final two lines would do well on their own, I think, double-spaced from the rest.

Thanks for coming back!
Hope to see you here again soon!

Lucie

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: September 27, 2007 )

insight
Lucie,

Once again your knack for preceptive reasoning reveals insight to my own poem that I had not yet considered. Of course, it IS all about the lake, the kitchen, forgetting, remembering. "I" has no place because nobody owns these things, they exist in every molecule on earth.

Perhaps this version:

Contemplation

Forgetting
Is like walking
on a frozen lake,
searching the farther shore
for lonely tracks of an earlier crossing.

Remembering
Is like a mug of hot chocolate
and a sandwich in a kitchen
where a dim radio tells the news
and someone left a note.

Contemplating
the scenery of forgetting
and the comfort of remembering

I wish I could forget
and still have the sandwich.

( Posted by: bwoz [Member] On: September 27, 2007 )

Contemplation, by BWoz
I like the first version...for all the same reasons that Mobiussoul likes it as well.

Good to see you posting again. Blessings!

( Posted by: TheRealKarmaTseringLhamo [Member] On: October 1, 2007 )

final version
Contemplation

Forgetting
Is like walking
on a frozen lake,
searching the farther shore
for lonely tracks of an earlier crossing.

Remembering
Is like a mug of hot chocolate
and a sandwich in a kitchen
where a dim radio tells the news
and someone left a note.

Contemplating
I wish I could forget
and still have the sandwich.

( Posted by: bwoz [Member] On: October 1, 2007 )

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