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Its 6:30 a.m. I am lying in bed. I hear the alarm. How could it be already time to wake up? The feeling of vanishing in my covers and pretend I do not hear my alarm. I dread waking and I dislike the morning. Reality strikes me as a hurricane strikes over my quiet world. The wake is bringing thoughts of anger and dislike up roaring and burning my vision. Make these thoughts leave I cry inside. Now I am crying on the outside uncontrollably pondering and dreading the day ahead of me. I think silently how long can I go on each and every morning with these thoughts and more importantly when will it stop. The day is started already being late; I race out the door without clearing and relieving these feelings. I throw jeans on and a shitty t-shirt I had since forever. Its old and I hate wearing it. My clothing is always this way. No time for a drink. While grabbing my carefully placed keys, wallet and phone and my notepad for thoughts I remember to stop and tell Jennifer I love her and hope she has a beautiful day. Running down the steps having no time for my body to react or wake up still in intense thought of the day ahead of me. I think, I think, I thinkÖ my mind is racing and my emotions are locked in a state of grey. The grey stays with me all day in order to keep my head from loosing it. I try to stay here in my mind or things get thick quick. The lights are poorly timed and it takes 15 minutes to go 6 miles to the bridge. Half way on the bridge I loose the layer holding my emotion back and I cry. I cry in my mind and tears flow rather slowly. Trying to resist the urge to let it all go and open the gates of the dam building rapidly. I suck it up and breathe and think about nature, life and love. Things become clear again, but I know it is a quick fix. These things never really go away. Why me, an honest, faithful hard working man of great decency deserve a life like this. Iím unhappy with a part of my life that makes the money but I am no coward I love my life outside the hell of ten hours. 12 hours of my day is left for me to be happy, Minus 8 or 7 hours of sleep leaving me to 4 to 5 hours of personnel time. In 4 or 5 hours I have to relax and unwind and become once again grounded to this earth. This is not a lot of time for me to become a better person. Leaving only a person that has to manage and make sacrifices. We as humans should love this world and do our part in nature to contribute our love and heal our spirits and the spirits of the circle of life. Iím surrounded by negative people and negative attitudes at work all day. The idiots I work around are selfish and piggish, they disrespect, create misery for them selves and others, while keeping a constant layer of boiling in there own self pity with regrets. They have impulses, urges that do harm and spin them into a cycle of anger. They recognize my happiness and my good spirit and rip it apart like a present on Christmas morning exposing my weaknesses. This is where they want me, they know my ugly and use it for there advantage. I cannot block these attacks because humans have become sophisticated in such a way that they will never realize they are the way they are. There out of touch of realism and fall into the dark side of misguided judgments. Uneducated with there selves they build a world of having no soul at all. They wasted there soul to a point where itís in hiding for 20 years. It takes near death for these people to find there beautiful soul and to use for good. I resist and resist not letting them throw my soul into hiding. I am myself all day, the giving, and the person who spreads positive spirit. Believe me readers I am no saint, I have my moments where they descend me into the black and outburst and show my color. Then they call me out and consider me an angry person or aggressive. Thereís no way I can control my honesty at this point. Thy caused this and they never will know this. I think in my mind. Now I have to live with this outburst that I cannot defend and make right. Ahh the spell I must live with. How long?

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The following comments are for "a days morning"
by NucleusFire

thank you penelope,

just the truth and that is all. i try to write freely and strait from my thought with little editing. what forms is what forms and i beleive that it is as close to my heart i can go. this is why i label these passages as rants, not much else to them. i guess in a way they are diary entry's. i want to share my state of mind with people.

turkeys they are.

( Posted by: NucleusFire [Member] On: August 25, 2007 )

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