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i sat, still and empty
without a word in my brain.
I thought how life was plenty
filled with delcious beautiful things,
yet i lay lonley
in a grave of desolate dreams.

i thought of sleeping beneath starry skies
my heart beating slow in my hollow chest
My cigarette giving out a straight smoke line
so close to life, so close to death.

Never have i sat in nothing, a priviledge for my kind
Silent dark blue nights. Discovery of lethargy

i wish those nights would last forever
my life drown in a martini shower
My rings and clothes in a hall of fame
and all my family, the ones to blame

And Silence
im sitting, without a word in my brain
and theres nothing
For my forbidden love i write this:

ill never forget you and its plain for all to see
we're simply meant to be.

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The following comments are for "Written between a disapointment and a cigarette"
by Shaza89


as usual there's plenty promising fare here. the meat of the fourth stanza is particularly fine, especially that mad tape image, clever and absolutely apt...

I think this could use some tightening up in places. if it's going to rhyme- and it doesn't have to- it should move with the intense snowballing rhythm of the endless party... but you need to decide, I think...

also, the last couple of lines left me cold. they sound kind of trite and forced compared to the hedonistic free for all of the previous stanzas. maybe leave it at "For my forbidden love i write this..." that's a much stronger ending, I think, a shame to let it trail off and lose impact... some really good stuff... you excel in painting portraits of decadence.

( Posted by: AuldMiseryGuts [Member] On: August 3, 2007 )

well yea,, thanks for the comment. YOu are right..i do keep writing about decadence,, i just cant seem to want to write about anything else, feels so talent just seems to come out when im sad. anyways thank you again, your advice is always more than welcome i swear.:).
and yea you are right about the weird pace in this poem, i guess i was feeling weird when i wrote it.

( Posted by: shaza89 [Member] On: August 3, 2007 )

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